Quarter Final: Piiz vs. Purple Puke [PURPLE PUKE ADVANCES 6-1]

Certain · 08-17-2014, 01:15 AM

Purple Puke: I liked this verse for its ambiguity. Was this a verse about playing chess, or a verse about war that used chess as a metaphor? I lean toward the former, but I'm glad it wasn't cleared up with some corny "That's when James slid his bishop and called out 'checkmate' "-type closing line. Obviously, playing an overaggressive game is a killer in chess, so that made this a good take on the topic. The writing itself started out rough and generic and trite, but it improved a lot as this very short verse went on. The closer made this 10-liner a complete verse, which isn't always easy to do. I would like to see you do more with your rhyme schemes, though.

Piiz: The rhyming here, obviously, was the standout. And it really was the only standout. There wasn't much heft to this verse, and it felt incomplete. I know you didn't even think you'd be able to show, so that these 10 lines to a degree were overachieving for you. But the verse felt scatter-brained and existed mostly for its deep array of rhymes. Even the cadence was a bit difficult to pick up because of how jarring the frequency of the rhymes was. Maybe with a longer verse you could have added some content, but in these short installments, we don't have time to waste on rhyme displays. (See what I did there?)

Vote: Purple Puke

08-17-2014, 01:15 AM	#5
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Purple Puke: I liked this verse for its ambiguity. Was this a verse about playing chess, or a verse about war that used chess as a metaphor? I lean toward the former, but I'm glad it wasn't cleared up with some corny "That's when James slid his bishop and called out 'checkmate' "-type closing line. Obviously, playing an overaggressive game is a killer in chess, so that made this a good take on the topic. The writing itself started out rough and generic and trite, but it improved a lot as this very short verse went on. The closer made this 10-liner a complete verse, which isn't always easy to do. I would like to see you do more with your rhyme schemes, though. Piiz: The rhyming here, obviously, was the standout. And it really was the only standout. There wasn't much heft to this verse, and it felt incomplete. I know you didn't even think you'd be able to show, so that these 10 lines to a degree were overachieving for you. But the verse felt scatter-brained and existed mostly for its deep array of rhymes. Even the cadence was a bit difficult to pick up because of how jarring the frequency of the rhymes was. Maybe with a longer verse you could have added some content, but in these short installments, we don't have time to waste on rhyme displays. (See what I did there?) Vote: Purple Puke __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.