R2: Jhene Aiko vs. Purple Puke - [Purple Puke advances 6-4]

Certain · 08-10-2014, 07:40 PM

Purple Puke: This was a solid character sketch, well-written and paced for its length. My biggest qualm with the verse itself was the line with "empty" awkwardly used twice. The character was generic, but that made sense of this length. We've discussed doing a 10- or 16-line topical tournament, and I've put some thought lately into what the ideal format for those shorter verses would be. This verse would stand up well in such a tournament. Of course, this is not a short-verse tournament, so the genericness of the character does count against you. The ideas were not fleshed out, particularly the ending. This verse still was pretty good, though. You should enter the short-length topical tournament, particularly given your already-extant time constraints for writing.

Jhene Aiko: This verse felt very generically metaphorical, pretty unoriginal in both theme and delivery. The metaphor alone simply wasn't deep enough because you didn't humanize it all. You used a lot of rhymes, which was a little unnerving because your rhymes were awkward. For instance, "murderous events" and "flirting with your friends" absolutely do rhyme, but they have so many stressed syllables that they become very clunky. That happened a lot here, a verse loaded with complex rhymes but little cadence. And the writer's voice bounced around a lot. Basically, this verse seemed like a technical exercise missing the emotion and humanization required to hammer home the point. And the point wasn't all that interesting, either. With all those extra lines, did you offer more substance than Purple Puke? I'm not so sure. Your content was significantly more simplistic and trite. And his word choice was better, too.

Vote: Purple Puke

I don't usually offer much more explanation beyond breaking down the two verses, but I think this vote will be controversial. (I'm guessing this is a shutout so far.) Jhene Aiko's verse was too long for what it had to offer. Purple Puke's verse was more crafted and delivered more eloquently. Jhene Aiko had the clear leg up on text mechanics, but the verse felt very stiff and had mediocre content. I couldn't get into it. So I'm voting for the more humanized and interesting verse in a battle between two writers who both seem better than what they showed here.

08-10-2014, 07:40 PM	#8
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Purple Puke: This was a solid character sketch, well-written and paced for its length. My biggest qualm with the verse itself was the line with "empty" awkwardly used twice. The character was generic, but that made sense of this length. We've discussed doing a 10- or 16-line topical tournament, and I've put some thought lately into what the ideal format for those shorter verses would be. This verse would stand up well in such a tournament. Of course, this is not a short-verse tournament, so the genericness of the character does count against you. The ideas were not fleshed out, particularly the ending. This verse still was pretty good, though. You should enter the short-length topical tournament, particularly given your already-extant time constraints for writing. Jhene Aiko: This verse felt very generically metaphorical, pretty unoriginal in both theme and delivery. The metaphor alone simply wasn't deep enough because you didn't humanize it all. You used a lot of rhymes, which was a little unnerving because your rhymes were awkward. For instance, "murderous events" and "flirting with your friends" absolutely do rhyme, but they have so many stressed syllables that they become very clunky. That happened a lot here, a verse loaded with complex rhymes but little cadence. And the writer's voice bounced around a lot. Basically, this verse seemed like a technical exercise missing the emotion and humanization required to hammer home the point. And the point wasn't all that interesting, either. With all those extra lines, did you offer more substance than Purple Puke? I'm not so sure. Your content was significantly more simplistic and trite. And his word choice was better, too. Vote: Purple Puke I don't usually offer much more explanation beyond breaking down the two verses, but I think this vote will be controversial. (I'm guessing this is a shutout so far.) Jhene Aiko's verse was too long for what it had to offer. Purple Puke's verse was more crafted and delivered more eloquently. Jhene Aiko had the clear leg up on text mechanics, but the verse felt very stiff and had mediocre content. I couldn't get into it. So I'm voting for the more humanized and interesting verse in a battle between two writers who both seem better than what they showed here. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.