[10-Line Topical] dead man vs. Certain [dead man WINS]

[Certain]

The topic is "If You See Me Again," and 10 lines broken traditionally will be due Friday, July 25.

Good luck, @dead man.

Certain's links:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=83022
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=83020

dead man's links:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49829
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=83021

[dead man]

if you see me again, i'm a --


could there ever be a perfect goodbye? it seems not -
nobody truly hopes to leave their burdens behind
funnel clouds at harbor threatening a turbulent ride
farewell, my friend. my serpent, my swine. blurring the lines
between purpose and sign. epiphany and trick of the mind
that momentary nicotine high, it calls me softly
oil-black and costly. wheeze whistling notes
piercing chalk-washed arteries addicted to smoke
let the symptoms diagnose themselves. all doctor approved
coughing up mucus. cold-turkey pack of Marlboro blues.



dead man

[Certain]

The air becomes Spanish profanity. A knife's produced.
It shimmers for one hopeless second, slicing through
as the white consumes the table, unleashed, while the staring match
enables a peace, the slightest truce amid careless acts.
One wave of the heat. One chamber release.
Ruckus ensues. Ducking, I move from range of the AR-15,
lying, splayed in between the sofa and wall.
Then, surveying the scene, holding them off,
the enemy enters the frame of my scope, sentenced to die.
But while aiming the blow, I catch a glimpse of his eyes.

[Pent uP]

Blacketh -- Dope for a 10 liner. Nice twist on the subject. I lol'd when i read that serpent line...i felt like it was a subliminal shot at certain (u know cuz his name used to be certain serpent). I mean obviously for such a short verse it was really straight forward, but you allowed some depth in your language and wording. Very strong (short) verse.

Certain -- I really like "moment in time" pieces and this was strong. The rhyme scheme carried me like a rocking ship, which had its up and its downs (see what i did there?). I thought, for the topic, the directional choice was a bit poor partially because there was less space to build upon it, but mostly because it was such an easy path.

Overall -- I felt that Black came with something more relatable (que the veterans) and that beyond that are of critique both put a strong verse in that could swing it either way. Cheers guys.

[jilti]

Dead Man..

could there ever be a perfect goodbye? it seems not -
nobody truly hopes to leave their burdens behind
funnel clouds at harbor threatening a turbulent ride
farewell, my friend. my serpent, my swine. blurring the lines
between purpose and sign. epiphany and trick of the mind
that momentary nicotine high, it calls me softly
oil-black and costly. wheeze whistling notes
piercing chalk-washed arteries addicted to smoke
let the symptoms diagnose themselves. all doctor approved
coughing up mucus. cold-turkey pack of Marlboro blues.

Whole verse was dope


Certain..

The air becomes Spanish profanity. A knife's produced.
It shimmers for one hopeless second, slicing through
as the white consumes the table, unleashed, while the staring match
enables a peace, the slightest truce amid careless acts.
One wave of the heat. One chamber release.
Ruckus ensues. Ducking, I move from range of the AR-15

Verse was dope to this point. Ending rhymes and concept lacked something impactful


Vote- Dead

[Ghost1]

This is hard to vote on

U guys went in complete opposite directions. .....i feeo like certain almost did it on purpose. If im him an i seen black dropped something based solely on seemingly personal experience and relatability then it makes sense to go opposite spectrum an write something fictional and action oriented. Or none of thats tru an sometimes i think about things in a weird way. Regardless i enjoyed certains story more then the melancholy narative of black quitting cigs for the 19th time. Blacks schemes were crisper....but not by much. He was more subtle and refined but i was diggin the more raw approach by certain here.

V certain

[Zen]

I gotta be honest, going into this I thought ten lines would be make both verses suck since there wouldn't be enough room for content, but I was wrong. These ten liners were better than most of the verses in the AOWL last season. True story.

Both of you were better in one aspect. Black had the better rhymes, and Certain had the better concept. Black's verse flowed effortlessly, while I wondered what was going to happen next in Certain's verse. The vote all boils down to which one of these things a reader prefers, rhymes or content. I like the rhymes the most, so black gets my vote. Cool stuff, brahs. A 10 line league doesn't seem like a bad idea.

[ribbit]

Both of jhese were alright i felt like blacks was easier to read and the ciggy topib was cool duckin something a lot of ppl could relate to as for ceqtahn i felt like a lot of the story warnt expkained as if it was up to the reader to decide wat happened besides a few minor grammaticle errors i actually enjoxed urs more because i hate my nicotine addiction

vote certain

[big baby]

Close battle. I liked both concepts. Certains seemed a bit stretched, but more movie-like. If it were to be a movie it'd be Tarantino or Scorcese. If deadmans was a movie it'd be Muccino or Ayoade. Deadman showed a bit more connectivity on my behalf after about 5 reads for each. And that's what I was looking for. Seemed certain needed 15 lines.

[Sho Money EMG]

Black had a solid verse. Love Te vocab, multis were great. Awesome flow. Solid as usual.

Certains verse was okay. Hard finding to flow. Structure was good. Not as deep and polished as dead man tho.

Pretty clear to me

Vote - dead man

[Paradigm]

dead man wins 5-2.

dead man: (0) +5W+2Links=7pts
Certain: (0) -3L+2Links+4OR=3pts