yaya

namix · 06-27-2014, 08:06 PM

so there is a movement happening in writing where tight rhyme-schemes and abstract thought with sound imagery connects, but I can't drink the koolaid anymore without digging it myself.

there is an aspect of this kind of writing that comes off difficult to some and easier to others... not good or bad in that respect, the reverse can be said about a lot of writing too.

since i think the kid finally went off the deep-end in terms of being just annoyingly immature and useless, I hate to say it - but this piece remind me of Lars at his best. he had a bit more careful attention to the detail of the rhyme scheme at his best, in my opinion - BUT, importantly, your verse read truly natural --- which is one of the most important things to a writer, because in a moment of honesty, that other guy would admit it was a bit contrived at times.

since he's my benchmark for this style, while he could be more vivid in a moment in terms of word usage/imagery, your CONCEPTS were more fully developed in my opinion, on a one-off basis...

"Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise."
^^ a great example of that.

"whatever makes you survive" --- then "take what you like". that is ill dude...

"hate what you despise" -- probably more detailed than most care/need, but the extra syllable just gave me that weird cringe feeling... it was a perfect concept, and by saying "hate what's despised" - i would have read it more cleanly (even if it meant you sacrificed some grammatical integrity --- i think its worth it in this kind of piece to maintain flow execution).

Some really strongly developed concepts broskie.... my main personal issue with these kinds of pieces comes down to the lack of 'overall message' being established and delivered throughout the piece. I get rhyming on a topic, or feeling, but what i alluded to before as my main issue with this style, it's the lack of story telling, or message to me..... BUT, that is personal preference, and from a writer standpoint, i wouldnt ding you for it --- because in the end I have one great takeaway:

your conceptual development is getting strong. some dudes are good at an 'overall message of a verse', some are good with 'imagery in a couple words', but you had several instances of meaningful concepts that painted a picture AND were effective at hitting home to most readers.

great development of this piece, and overall yo. pc

06-27-2014, 08:06 PM	#15
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246655	so there is a movement happening in writing where tight rhyme-schemes and abstract thought with sound imagery connects, but I can't drink the koolaid anymore without digging it myself. there is an aspect of this kind of writing that comes off difficult to some and easier to others... not good or bad in that respect, the reverse can be said about a lot of writing too. since i think the kid finally went off the deep-end in terms of being just annoyingly immature and useless, I hate to say it - but this piece remind me of Lars at his best. he had a bit more careful attention to the detail of the rhyme scheme at his best, in my opinion - BUT, importantly, your verse read truly natural --- which is one of the most important things to a writer, because in a moment of honesty, that other guy would admit it was a bit contrived at times. since he's my benchmark for this style, while he could be more vivid in a moment in terms of word usage/imagery, your CONCEPTS were more fully developed in my opinion, on a one-off basis... "Whatever makes you survive. Take what you like. Hate what you despise." ^^ a great example of that. "whatever makes you survive" --- then "take what you like". that is ill dude... "hate what you despise" -- probably more detailed than most care/need, but the extra syllable just gave me that weird cringe feeling... it was a perfect concept, and by saying "hate what's despised" - i would have read it more cleanly (even if it meant you sacrificed some grammatical integrity --- i think its worth it in this kind of piece to maintain flow execution). Some really strongly developed concepts broskie.... my main personal issue with these kinds of pieces comes down to the lack of 'overall message' being established and delivered throughout the piece. I get rhyming on a topic, or feeling, but what i alluded to before as my main issue with this style, it's the lack of story telling, or message to me..... BUT, that is personal preference, and from a writer standpoint, i wouldnt ding you for it --- because in the end I have one great takeaway: your conceptual development is getting strong. some dudes are good at an 'overall message of a verse', some are good with 'imagery in a couple words', but you had several instances of meaningful concepts that painted a picture AND were effective at hitting home to most readers. great development of this piece, and overall yo. pc __________________ well fed.