AOWL Week 6: Vinzr (3-0) VS. Adonis (2-0) [ADONIS WINS, 12-0.]

zygote · 03-23-2013, 10:28 PM

Adonis, enjoyed the social commentary in the second paragraph, it showed an overall view of general issues but with a personal tone. Felt like a conversation between the narrator and reader, and used language to demonstrate this world weariness/tiredness of the narrator. Last line was powerful in showing the narrators motivation.

Vinzr, only did not enjoy the death ending, even though you did a characterization of hopelessness to set it up well, it still felt like an unnatural ending. Perhaps, if you gave some more hints beforehand such as some suicidal thoughts, the ending wouldn't have seemed as strained. Also enjoyed how you gave allusion to the character doing something terrible to create the insomnia but didn't dilute story by unnecessarily expanding on it. Voted for Adonis.

03-23-2013, 10:28 PM	#9
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	Adonis, enjoyed the social commentary in the second paragraph, it showed an overall view of general issues but with a personal tone. Felt like a conversation between the narrator and reader, and used language to demonstrate this world weariness/tiredness of the narrator. Last line was powerful in showing the narrators motivation. Vinzr, only did not enjoy the death ending, even though you did a characterization of hopelessness to set it up well, it still felt like an unnatural ending. Perhaps, if you gave some more hints beforehand such as some suicidal thoughts, the ending wouldn't have seemed as strained. Also enjoyed how you gave allusion to the character doing something terrible to create the insomnia but didn't dilute story by unnecessarily expanding on it. Voted for Adonis.