Week 13: 7. zygote (9-3) vs. 8. Soulstice (1-3) \\ zygote wins 4-3

Certain · 05-26-2014, 01:35 AM

zygote: I had a hard time tying together all the strings in this verse. The writing itself had flashes of greatness, though it was a bit herky-jerky in comparison to your storytelling, where the grammar and diction is a little more natural. This verse felt more like a standard text rap open mic verse about all sorts of things, with the added twist of this first-letter gimmick that tied into the topic. The writing and rhyming was top notch, and there was a lot of interesting thought. It had the feel of a dead man verse, it was written that well but also that loosely in relation to the topic. I particularly liked the set of rhymes and thoughts from "Occur in a dream" to "coup de gras." Unfortunately, the content of the verse didn't come together to me into a coherent take on this specific topic.

Soulstice: You require very close reading with your storytelling, which to a degree is a fault. I did a quick skim of votes to see if I was correct, and it seemed like no one picked up on your actual story line of a sister protecting her infant brother in assumedly Soviet Russia or a similar state after the government took their parents for one reason or another. (If I'm wrong about this, feel free to let me know.) But I really liked it, and I think your phrasing deserves commendation. My favorite: "She thought, when Dan grows up, a collection of various scars/ And the tears on her heart will be all that he knows of her." Your rhyming was mixed from great to a bit too far off, but I can get over that sort of thing. I liked the take on the topic and the phrasing quite a bit, but I think you could have made the backdrop for the story a bit clearer even for me. Addressing the setting and possibly a bit more physical description and less emotional description would have been a better way to open that up.

Vote: Soulstice

05-26-2014, 01:35 AM	#9
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	zygote: I had a hard time tying together all the strings in this verse. The writing itself had flashes of greatness, though it was a bit herky-jerky in comparison to your storytelling, where the grammar and diction is a little more natural. This verse felt more like a standard text rap open mic verse about all sorts of things, with the added twist of this first-letter gimmick that tied into the topic. The writing and rhyming was top notch, and there was a lot of interesting thought. It had the feel of a dead man verse, it was written that well but also that loosely in relation to the topic. I particularly liked the set of rhymes and thoughts from "Occur in a dream" to "coup de gras." Unfortunately, the content of the verse didn't come together to me into a coherent take on this specific topic. Soulstice: You require very close reading with your storytelling, which to a degree is a fault. I did a quick skim of votes to see if I was correct, and it seemed like no one picked up on your actual story line of a sister protecting her infant brother in assumedly Soviet Russia or a similar state after the government took their parents for one reason or another. (If I'm wrong about this, feel free to let me know.) But I really liked it, and I think your phrasing deserves commendation. My favorite: "She thought, when Dan grows up, a collection of various scars/ And the tears on her heart will be all that he knows of her." Your rhyming was mixed from great to a bit too far off, but I can get over that sort of thing. I liked the take on the topic and the phrasing quite a bit, but I think you could have made the backdrop for the story a bit clearer even for me. Addressing the setting and possibly a bit more physical description and less emotional description would have been a better way to open that up. Vote: Soulstice __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.