Week 11 contender match: 3. timeless (6-4) vs. 4. Split Eight (2-2) \\ Split Eight wins 6-0

oats · 05-11-2014, 04:38 PM

Timeless: I think you dialed in your rhyming in sections here. Though it started to slip noticeably two/thirds in (around where you picked up more dialogue), I generally enjoyed the actual rhyming here. Still some instances that appear to be cramming for the sake of rhyming, but I see you widdling those moments down every week.

Story was cool, I always enjoy magic realism like this - went from a normal world into a sudden break from that with the other wordly door choosing. I think this was a little too bare though. What was at stake? Why did he choose hell? I would have preferred us to know the character more and then not know his decision, leaving it up to me to put those pieces together. But if you did that people would probably complain, too. Just thinking out loud.

In general there was an emotional flatness for me. The verse was well-written, but I didn't know enough about sid, hank or the story behind the decision to care about what happened. Big step in the right direction, but still a few miscues IMO.

Split: you and pancake write so similarly it's eerie. Well crafted prose, and dripping rhyme schemes that ebb and flow alongside the content. Beautiful writing, truly.

I do think the ending was a little too vague. Which is weird because you did exactly what I just recommended timeless should have done - build up the character and be ambiguous. What I mean is, I would have liked some clarification on what exactly sparked his epiphany that, despite these great accomplishments and clever intellect, he really isn't that special. The last line had me thinking that maybe something did happen to him, physically. Hopefully I didn't misread, because if he did suddenly die that would be cheap.

Vote: split gets my vote, overall more refined and focused writing. Timeless is making strides, didn't quite leap that hurdle yet this week.

05-11-2014, 04:38 PM	#5
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Timeless: I think you dialed in your rhyming in sections here. Though it started to slip noticeably two/thirds in (around where you picked up more dialogue), I generally enjoyed the actual rhyming here. Still some instances that appear to be cramming for the sake of rhyming, but I see you widdling those moments down every week. Story was cool, I always enjoy magic realism like this - went from a normal world into a sudden break from that with the other wordly door choosing. I think this was a little too bare though. What was at stake? Why did he choose hell? I would have preferred us to know the character more and then not know his decision, leaving it up to me to put those pieces together. But if you did that people would probably complain, too. Just thinking out loud. In general there was an emotional flatness for me. The verse was well-written, but I didn't know enough about sid, hank or the story behind the decision to care about what happened. Big step in the right direction, but still a few miscues IMO. Split: you and pancake write so similarly it's eerie. Well crafted prose, and dripping rhyme schemes that ebb and flow alongside the content. Beautiful writing, truly. I do think the ending was a little too vague. Which is weird because you did exactly what I just recommended timeless should have done - build up the character and be ambiguous. What I mean is, I would have liked some clarification on what exactly sparked his epiphany that, despite these great accomplishments and clever intellect, he really isn't that special. The last line had me thinking that maybe something did happen to him, physically. Hopefully I didn't misread, because if he did suddenly die that would be cheap. Vote: split gets my vote, overall more refined and focused writing. Timeless is making strides, didn't quite leap that hurdle yet this week. __________________ You should be water