Week 10: 13. Vividlyvague (5-3) vs. 14. Johnathan Mercy (1-1) \\ Vividlyvague wins 6-4

Frank · 05-05-2014, 12:00 AM

Jonathan Mercy

This was a cool vignette. I thought the warped, tightly wrapped wording lended it self to the impact that would follow from a gun shot at a short distance. I'd liken this verse to a one inch punch. It's velocity of verbosity was very well executed. I thought the early personification was cool but, you missed a crucial step by not including the daughter in the personified family. Your use of rapid fire descriptive words later would push the vignette toward a closing line that would bring the shit full circle. Adrenaline spike, b12 shot, whatever you wanna call it. High voltage verse, but I'm not really buzzed anymore......

Vividlyvague

So, this was all over the place. The focal point of dialogue driven writing is admirably distracting. The verse basically cancels itself out. The loop holes and twists and cut ins and and cut outs and twist and turns cancel any meaning or impact the verse may have, out. I can't follow 4-5 characters this haphazardly. I could not tell you what I read about. Some kind of cop soap box sitcom with handle bar mustaches davie Crockett I don't know.

This is a toss between a 12 line verse that could have been 12 lines longer vs a verse that could've been 24 lines shorter.

Voting VividlyVague in a photo finish

05-05-2014, 12:00 AM	#11
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Jonathan Mercy This was a cool vignette. I thought the warped, tightly wrapped wording lended it self to the impact that would follow from a gun shot at a short distance. I'd liken this verse to a one inch punch. It's velocity of verbosity was very well executed. I thought the early personification was cool but, you missed a crucial step by not including the daughter in the personified family. Your use of rapid fire descriptive words later would push the vignette toward a closing line that would bring the shit full circle. Adrenaline spike, b12 shot, whatever you wanna call it. High voltage verse, but I'm not really buzzed anymore...... Vividlyvague So, this was all over the place. The focal point of dialogue driven writing is admirably distracting. The verse basically cancels itself out. The loop holes and twists and cut ins and and cut outs and twist and turns cancel any meaning or impact the verse may have, out. I can't follow 4-5 characters this haphazardly. I could not tell you what I read about. Some kind of cop soap box sitcom with handle bar mustaches davie Crockett I don't know. This is a toss between a 12 line verse that could have been 12 lines longer vs a verse that could've been 24 lines shorter. Voting VividlyVague in a photo finish __________________ *VETWORK*