Week 10: 9. oats (8-1) vs. 10. Perpendicular (0-0) \\ Perpendicular wins 5-4

zygote · 05-03-2014, 11:08 AM

The self-deprecating humor was great. It was also written a nice quasi-autobiographical style, something different from a story. The overall theme was very internally consistent, not a single unnecessary part, every single line worked towards showing the humorous contrast between the ‘feeling’ of this escapism internal fantasy and the ‘reality’ of this kids life. Highlight part was “from dreams of lettin off the 4 pound hammer in different directions to waking up with my ukulele hammering 4 string picking progressions” that was extremely humorous. I don’t know how honest it is, but it seemed really honest which means the writing had good details. It was engaging.

The strong multiple rhyming and short space between rhymes made it seem more impressive than it was. The first part with all the “Healthy challenges” et al., was really cool but then it came to “With legs that stand unhinged and a screen for an iris, the man of the future looks as seedy as pirates.” it seemed like an awkward phrase just to have the multiple rhyme and it lost the illusion for a moment there. Similarly, again at “Brady's on the pulpit representing the androgynous bunch - with a smile that reaches from the blood bag to the hospital punch.” Maybe it’s also too strong of an overall condescending/preaching tone, it was clear you were going for a the world is full of idiots kind of thing. Perhaps it could have been more effective with a lighter tone (the parts with jokes were the strongest) but when it’s just words like ‘plebs’ and ‘sheep’ I couldn’t get into it as part of that flock. Voting for Oats.

05-03-2014, 11:08 AM	#5
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	The self-deprecating humor was great. It was also written a nice quasi-autobiographical style, something different from a story. The overall theme was very internally consistent, not a single unnecessary part, every single line worked towards showing the humorous contrast between the ‘feeling’ of this escapism internal fantasy and the ‘reality’ of this kids life. Highlight part was “from dreams of lettin off the 4 pound hammer in different directions to waking up with my ukulele hammering 4 string picking progressions” that was extremely humorous. I don’t know how honest it is, but it seemed really honest which means the writing had good details. It was engaging. The strong multiple rhyming and short space between rhymes made it seem more impressive than it was. The first part with all the “Healthy challenges” et al., was really cool but then it came to “With legs that stand unhinged and a screen for an iris, the man of the future looks as seedy as pirates.” it seemed like an awkward phrase just to have the multiple rhyme and it lost the illusion for a moment there. Similarly, again at “Brady's on the pulpit representing the androgynous bunch - with a smile that reaches from the blood bag to the hospital punch.” Maybe it’s also too strong of an overall condescending/preaching tone, it was clear you were going for a the world is full of idiots kind of thing. Perhaps it could have been more effective with a lighter tone (the parts with jokes were the strongest) but when it’s just words like ‘plebs’ and ‘sheep’ I couldn’t get into it as part of that flock. Voting for Oats.