Week 9: 7. Johnathan Mercy (1-0) vs. 8. Zombie (1-0) \\ Zombie wins 6-4

Certain · 04-28-2014, 02:14 AM

Johnathan Mercy: Your diction is so gloriously tight and refined. I love that, particularly because so few others on these sites can match it. The way you bounce around rhymes is very effortless but refined. Your take on this topic was pretty straight-forward, a man who can't bring the pain because his entire existence is defined by it. He brings pain because he is pain, so asking him to bring the pain is redundant. But I think you could have done a better job humanizing him with more complete images. You bounced around a lot and gave us specks of the composite whole rather than a focused take on a scene or two. That also led to a bit of cliché in the description. The content never matched the writing level, which was disappointing.

Zombie: This was the most direct take on this topic imaginable, but that didn't matter much because of how well you pulled it off. The writing here was transfixing, especially because you carried such impressive rhymes (albeit often through slants). The stop-and-start phrasing that is your signature really worked here because it gave the verse a crescendo feel up until "the love." After that point, things boiled down to the essence with more clever lines and a bit tighter writing. Because you were describing the feelings of masochism, the reference points and imagery was a little jumpy in the second quarter of the verse, but by the time you were in the home stretch, the focus and the purpose was displayed. So yes, the take on the topic was unimaginative. But the execution was highly original and gripping.

Vote: Zombie

04-28-2014, 02:14 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Johnathan Mercy: Your diction is so gloriously tight and refined. I love that, particularly because so few others on these sites can match it. The way you bounce around rhymes is very effortless but refined. Your take on this topic was pretty straight-forward, a man who can't bring the pain because his entire existence is defined by it. He brings pain because he is pain, so asking him to bring the pain is redundant. But I think you could have done a better job humanizing him with more complete images. You bounced around a lot and gave us specks of the composite whole rather than a focused take on a scene or two. That also led to a bit of cliché in the description. The content never matched the writing level, which was disappointing. Zombie: This was the most direct take on this topic imaginable, but that didn't matter much because of how well you pulled it off. The writing here was transfixing, especially because you carried such impressive rhymes (albeit often through slants). The stop-and-start phrasing that is your signature really worked here because it gave the verse a crescendo feel up until "the love." After that point, things boiled down to the essence with more clever lines and a bit tighter writing. Because you were describing the feelings of masochism, the reference points and imagery was a little jumpy in the second quarter of the verse, but by the time you were in the home stretch, the focus and the purpose was displayed. So yes, the take on the topic was unimaginative. But the execution was highly original and gripping. Vote: Zombie __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.