Week 9: 17. d0ubt (0-1) vs. 18. MMLP (0-2) \\ d0ubt wins 5-3

oats · 04-27-2014, 08:32 PM

MMLP: if I'm being honest, which I am, I liked the idea in a way; there was something irreverent about being a muslim terrorist sent to a christian hell who ends up killing God. at least, that's what I think you were aiming for, which gets into my gripes. primarily, it was clarity. the writing itself was spotty; strong rhyming in places, fell off in others, and some wording choices were odd to me. but all of that is secondary to the problem of writing clear action, and in many places, what was happening was not clear to me. beyond that, I thought the end was cheap. I think it would have been better aligned for this person to step into the footsteps that the devil left, more interesting psychology to explore there. so cool concept, but execution was misfiring in a few ways.

doubt: there were some good things here - the rhymes were solid, some clever phrasing (I especially liked the 2 became one we multiplied), and it kept my attention. That being said, I think the angle of this was a little pedestrian, and there were some sloppy errors in there (switching from first person to third etc). There were some odd word choices in there too, like the slaughterhouse one: if we are to believe that this is the first person, you think he would see his dead family and say "wow, this is a slaughterhouse - I love that group!" Not that that's what you said in the verse, but you get what I'm saying.

Vote: This is close, but only due to both parties underperforming imo. Doubt went with a less imaginative and less interesting topic but pulled it off better, whereas MMLP had a better idea that was not executed well. In many instances, I choose the better concept, but I felt like MMLP was too scattered and unclear to warrant that. Doubt gets the nod here.

04-27-2014, 08:32 PM	#1
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	MMLP: if I'm being honest, which I am, I liked the idea in a way; there was something irreverent about being a muslim terrorist sent to a christian hell who ends up killing God. at least, that's what I think you were aiming for, which gets into my gripes. primarily, it was clarity. the writing itself was spotty; strong rhyming in places, fell off in others, and some wording choices were odd to me. but all of that is secondary to the problem of writing clear action, and in many places, what was happening was not clear to me. beyond that, I thought the end was cheap. I think it would have been better aligned for this person to step into the footsteps that the devil left, more interesting psychology to explore there. so cool concept, but execution was misfiring in a few ways. doubt: there were some good things here - the rhymes were solid, some clever phrasing (I especially liked the 2 became one we multiplied), and it kept my attention. That being said, I think the angle of this was a little pedestrian, and there were some sloppy errors in there (switching from first person to third etc). There were some odd word choices in there too, like the slaughterhouse one: if we are to believe that this is the first person, you think he would see his dead family and say "wow, this is a slaughterhouse - I love that group!" Not that that's what you said in the verse, but you get what I'm saying. Vote: This is close, but only due to both parties underperforming imo. Doubt went with a less imaginative and less interesting topic but pulled it off better, whereas MMLP had a better idea that was not executed well. In many instances, I choose the better concept, but I felt like MMLP was too scattered and unclear to warrant that. Doubt gets the nod here. __________________ You should be water