Week 9: 11. Mike Wrecka (3-5) vs. 12. Smegma (0-0) \\ Mike Wrecka wins 6-2

oats · 04-27-2014, 01:20 AM

Smegma: your writing was a strong spot here, the rhyming was crisp and there was never an awkward syllable in the entire verse. beyond that, nothing came off as forced or awkward, which is very impressive. dope shit

there were a few things I didn't like. first, I thought it would have benefitted to be more subtle with the analogy - the "line of white girl" in the beginning gave it away almost immediately that you weren't talking about an actual woman. It's tough to do these kinds of verses in an original way, because it's a pretty standard twist at this point. The twist, however, was that it was heroin and not coke, which is odd to me because heroin is not a club drug, at least not in the circles that I know. more of a zone out in a garage/parking lot/wherever there aren't many people and fry for a bit. Like Frank's use of Nat King Cole last week, I can suspend my disbelief about that and overlook it, but it did strike me as odd.

the main thing was really that this was telegraphed. I would suggest either aiming for more subtlety, or going a different route altogether and just make it about an actual relationship. more interesting things to explore that route, in my opinion. overall it was a strong showing, a better approach and I can see you making some moves in the league for sure.

Mike: I liked this. lots of velocity behind your rhymes, I felt propelled through the verse. This is also because the nature of your writing was very descriptive in an expositional way. There was an underhanded humor that popped up from time to time as well, like the don't wanna run out of breath and nunchuckas line. overall not a whole lot of gripes to this, other than that it didn't jump out and grab me. there were some cool ideas in there, like the metamorphoses every week/old style, fresh way to present that. I think what could have made this stronger would have been a tighter focus on atmosphere. to show and not tell, to use the grade school adage. either way, this was a strong verse as well.

Vote: Good battle here, both of you guys had strong writing all around. I think that Wrecka got this one with a more novel approach to the topic though. it was straightforward, but it worked better than the reliance on a predictable twist. good shit to both

04-27-2014, 01:20 AM	#7
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	Smegma: your writing was a strong spot here, the rhyming was crisp and there was never an awkward syllable in the entire verse. beyond that, nothing came off as forced or awkward, which is very impressive. dope shit there were a few things I didn't like. first, I thought it would have benefitted to be more subtle with the analogy - the "line of white girl" in the beginning gave it away almost immediately that you weren't talking about an actual woman. It's tough to do these kinds of verses in an original way, because it's a pretty standard twist at this point. The twist, however, was that it was heroin and not coke, which is odd to me because heroin is not a club drug, at least not in the circles that I know. more of a zone out in a garage/parking lot/wherever there aren't many people and fry for a bit. Like Frank's use of Nat King Cole last week, I can suspend my disbelief about that and overlook it, but it did strike me as odd. the main thing was really that this was telegraphed. I would suggest either aiming for more subtlety, or going a different route altogether and just make it about an actual relationship. more interesting things to explore that route, in my opinion. overall it was a strong showing, a better approach and I can see you making some moves in the league for sure. Mike: I liked this. lots of velocity behind your rhymes, I felt propelled through the verse. This is also because the nature of your writing was very descriptive in an expositional way. There was an underhanded humor that popped up from time to time as well, like the don't wanna run out of breath and nunchuckas line. overall not a whole lot of gripes to this, other than that it didn't jump out and grab me. there were some cool ideas in there, like the metamorphoses every week/old style, fresh way to present that. I think what could have made this stronger would have been a tighter focus on atmosphere. to show and not tell, to use the grade school adage. either way, this was a strong verse as well. Vote: Good battle here, both of you guys had strong writing all around. I think that Wrecka got this one with a more novel approach to the topic though. it was straightforward, but it worked better than the reliance on a predictable twist. good shit to both __________________ You should be water