Week 9: 13. Certain (1-1) vs. 14. timeless (4-4) \\ timeless wins 5-3

[Certain]

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.


Topic


“This Is It”


Good luck, @Certain and @timeless.

[timeless]

I walked a fine line between dreams and neglectful realities,
using my own thoughts as mirrors to reflect life's vitalities.
If I didn't, then she would be see-through. We bleed blue
because there's no oxygen on our surface for us to breathe. Who
said to que the weak mood? Add in aggression to start unleashing rude
impressions to put a vex in their trued, yet deceiftul hue.
I wish we could tell them this, I wish for the ever so seldom bliss,
the type of unity and respect like if heaven blew hell a kiss.
When coincidences become natural, that's when you know we're fucked.
Stuck in between the mold that shaped us mackerel, we owe an ode to luck
"Because before I lived here in this pond, I seen some crazy shit man.
I shared a small glass bowl with a friend, thats when I switched plans."
Then I asked him, "What do you mean, Stan?" He said he dipped when
his friend died, "they flushed him, and no, not in the sink man."
It was horrifying, he literally watched his friend lay to waste.
He'd say and shake, "Fucking human always display such haste.
Always stuck in some sort of amazing race against life face to face.
Crazed yet they pray for god, then pray at the tables for the ace of spades."
For the people and the god of human, here's a message for you :
you will never conquer the seas, we breathe all your medicine used.
We are in fact ; better than you. Free and able to sleep on fables
that your race is dominant, even obama seeks peace in labels.
Lets get away from the politicians, theres not much were missing.
The world's rocked, they're living risk in stocks, got lunch? No? Go fishing!
This isn't how I wanted to go, having a convo with Stan to end my days.
All species figured you caused this, either way we weren't mean to stay.
Our mother earth finally breathed a sigh of relief as the skies would retreat.
All we could do is try to hide and release when the our time is deceased.
No mind of a human could believe that they're the cause of this.
You just figure every other species are clueless and just caught in it.

Stan's friend's soul lies in a toilet bowl...
...they could've given him a proper burial instead of that.
But then I measured our tracks ;
human's unruly dominance in the world is a collective trap.
Upstream we gathered to chatter about the end of days.
Elders shattered our hopes to live, "This is it! We've been sent to pray."
The water changed color and soon, our party would drown in it.
Humans destroyed the planet,
but they didnt need to bring neptune's army down with it.

This was a sight for sore eyes for sure as I absorbed the shoreline's force.
Becoming one with the land, the final lap of human's wartime horse.

[Certain]

The twisted scar on Willie's left leg is pale and dry,
up from the ankle, scaling his thigh,
still snaring the tendons facing the mine.
He hadn't even tripped the switch that awakened the blast.
No, he was pacing in back of the unit when Dave hit the tract.
They ducked. Some never came up.
The helmets were tombstones,
but Willie pulled his leg out of the mud
with help from the two Joes.
Joe Riley, he'd never forget. He sent his pocket watch to his wife.
Joe Delucca, he'd never forget. He's right across the hall, on the right.

But we're sitting here for now.

That's Norm with the cracked stars and stripes
disbarred by time.
He got the ink while docked at Clark in '9,
must have been drinking hard that night.
Now he looks down at his cards and sighs.
See, he's not moving, not since a scar the size
of a shotgun shell had marked his spine.
The lower half. Norm's paralyzed from toes to back
but slowly drags another chip to the center of the table,
while others fold 'em fast.
The smile leaves his face. He tends to get lonely fast.
Another glance out the window,
but no one passes.

And we'll be sitting here for a while.

Him? Sgt. Jim Rose. Don't forget the "Sgt."
As a commander, an invective hard-ass
who smoked whole menthol cartons.
That came back to bite him. Doesn't it always?
He paces, spins, ducks in these hallways,
unable to sit still, the same tack he'd fight with
in his days among the infantry.
That's when he picked up the habit,
displaced his lungs from symmetry.
And the oxygen tank gets dragged around, its weight so humbly limiting.

But we're sitting here for a reason.

The Marshalltown V.A. Hospital flies a flag, tall in a headwind.
It's there to remind us of all we fought for,
of all we gained,
of all we protected.

[Vulgar]

timeless - Starting off with a cliché like 'I walk a fine line' was a big no-no for me. Onto the verse, if you called this 'Fukushima' I would've thought Pent Up wrote it. Nah, this was cool though, I was fond of it. The beginning was metaphorical in tone at first, so I was very into it, then it transitioned into literal territory with former fish bowl residents speaking on the biological significance of oceanic folk in comparison to destructive humanity. A creative interpretation of the topic, to say the least. The last lines of the verse were okay to me - less all encompassing as I would've liked it to be.

Certain - There's not a lot to dislike about this, except for the fact that it borders on being dull to read. This was a thinner verse than I'm used to reading from you, I'm usually accustomed to a thicker broth, especially when it's a story or illustration of toil or hardship. The verse you beat me with in the league would be what I'd expect from you in terms of the appearance/structure. Overall, this was decent.

My vote goes to timeless.

[PancakeBrah]

timeless - This is the best verse I've read from you. You have a thing for animals. Turtles and fish. Anyways, I liked the creative angle you took on a familiar trope, that being the human penchant for destroying nature. The dialogue and writing was very smooth. Less convoluted and messy than that one verse you wrote. Very clear, I knew what you were doing/saying and the message was clear and profound. The idea of being subjected to the results caused by something else's mistakes, while you're innocently swimming. The idea of being a fish caught in a fish bowl being the same as a fish in the wild subject to the world of humans. I don't necessarily agree with the bleeding heart slant of the piece but that's neither here nor there. My own prejudices have nothing to do with how well this piece was constructed, and it was constructed well. Nice.

Certain - I'm more of a fan of this style, which you've been using in the open mic for a little bit, than your more fleshed out pieces. Doing more with less, concise but fulfilling with a slightly poetic tilt. This didn't have the poetic side of it as much, but the rest. Not a wasted word, and it goes against the norm of showing out for these matches. A sort of risk, really. This and the 'Champagne in a Paper Cup' both had the same effect for me. They lay out a scene, spruced up with detail and nuance (real nuance), and just kind of leave the reader with a feeling, earned through the events and facts. There's no crazy twist or anything. Just a well-painted slice of life that leaves the reader to understand it's context. My only critique is that there were one or two rhyming gaffes that were probably intentional that still took me out of the piece, just slightly.

Probably the battle of the week in my estimation, with two very different approaches and concepts. Basically a coinflip, I lean closer to favoring the route and style of writing Certain went with. Neither should be ashamed if they lose. Much appreciated.

v/ Certain

[Just Write]

I wish we could tell them this, I wish for the ever so seldom bliss,
the type of unity and respect like if heaven blew hell a kiss.

Damn, definitely the lotb for me. That last line was superb


Timeless, this was a great piece bro, probably the best ive seen from you besides the very first verse you wrote. I loved this all the way up to the got no lunch/ go fishing part. I get where yoh were going but I felt it stuck out with the cadence you set to your piece and the only other part I didnt like is the using shit ass a rhyme word. I this using cuss words for sake of rhyme is a cop out although we all have done it before. But thats only a minor complaint. This was a very well written piece about man vs. Nature, props


Certain, this was not as flashy as some previous pieces you've written, but I love that. This was straight to the point, all meat, no condiments type of sandwhich and you know what.. fuck the mag, i'm a man. I love meat, no but seriously I really enjoyed this piece. It was very descriptive and just really pulled me in and held my attention all the way through. Very nice job sir.


This definitely is botw material, two great pieces by two very talented writers. This is by far my hardest decision so far and is really only based on which piece I enjoyed more since they were both equally written and thatd going to be certain. I just feel like I connected more with his piece on an enjoyment level. Great job to both of you though.

Mvgt=certain

[Split]

I walked a fine line between dreams and neglectful realities,
using my own thoughts as mirrors to reflect life's vitalities.
>cool opener, especially first line. very thought provoking. the second line carried the idea as well despite being a conceptual jump.


If I didn't, then she would be see-through. We bleed blue
because there's no oxygen on our surface for us to breathe. Who
said to que the weak mood? Add in aggression to start unleashing rude
>you should have kept the focus on She. you start jumping around here.

impressions to put a vex in their trued, yet deceiftul hue.
>sloppy wording.

I wish we could tell them this, I wish for the ever so seldom bliss,
the type of unity and respect like if heaven blew hell a kiss.
> DOPE

When coincidences become natural, that's when you know we're fucked.
Stuck in between the mold that shaped us mackerel, we owe an ode to luck
"Because before I lived here in this pond, I seen some crazy shit man.
I shared a small glass bowl with a friend, thats when I switched plans."
Then I asked him, "What do you mean, Stan?" He said he dipped when
his friend died, "they flushed him, and no, not in the sink man."
It was horrifying, he literally watched his friend lay to waste.
He'd say and shake, "Fucking human always display such haste.
Always stuck in some sort of amazing race against life face to face.
Crazed yet they pray for god, then pray at the tables for the ace of spades."
>didn't like the metaphors but effective use of dialogue and narration

For the people and the god of human, here's a message for you :
you will never conquer the seas, we breathe all your medicine used.
We are in fact ; better than you. Free and able to sleep on fables
that your race is dominant, even obama seeks peace in labels.
Lets get away from the politicians, theres not much were missing.
The world's rocked, they're living risk in stocks, got lunch? No? Go fishing!
> I have no idea what the story is at this point but it is being told nicely

This isn't how I wanted to go, having a convo with Stan to end my days.
All species figured you caused this, either way we weren't mean to stay.
Our mother earth finally breathed a sigh of relief as the skies would retreat.
All we could do is try to hide and release when the our time is deceased.
No mind of a human could believe that they're the cause of this.
You just figure every other species are clueless and just caught in it.

Stan's friend's soul lies in a toilet bowl...
...they could've given him a proper burial instead of that.
But then I measured our tracks ;
human's unruly dominance in the world is a collective trap.
Upstream we gathered to chatter about the end of days.
Elders shattered our hopes to live, "This is it! We've been sent to pray."
The water changed color and soon, our party would drown in it.
Humans destroyed the planet,
but they didnt need to bring neptune's army down with it.

This was a sight for sore eyes for sure as I absorbed the shoreline's force.
Becoming one with the land, the final lap of human's wartime horse.



I mean it was gripping and interesting, the writing fostered a natural discourse with the subject matter, but at the same time it was very confusing and unfocused. I don't know what to make of it. I think you need to work on story telling though you definitely have potential as one, and your general topical abilities are more polished than I expected. I think your rhyming didn't fit the general beat of your story, sometimes you just gotta rhyme less for the sake of flow and readability


Certain.


Lots of emphatic quotables in here. Perfect pacing. I didn't like the scattered focus too much. Still enjoyed the story immensely, agree w/ PCB about this style of yours from OMs and collabs suits you much better. I thought it really pulled together at the end, bringing up themes such as the dual standards of military service and patriotism and human nature.


CERTAIN wins, his story operated on a higher level than timless

[zygote]

It’s a contrast between an ambitious all-encompassing alien approach and an exercise in the restrained description of minutiae. Perhaps Vulgar or Just Write or others can attest there can be a fair bit of “sitting here for a while” and small tasks during day to day military work. It gives an atypical reading to ‘this is it’ – rather than ‘this is it’ as something to become expectant or anxious about, the ‘this is it’ becomes like a resigned ‘this is it?’ It’s a pretty interesting critique of some of the enlistment propaganda surrounding the military-industrial complex, but the issue is whether this well executed conceptualization works well enough to overcome the restrained language and lack of stylistic frills the creation of this overall tone required. I’m going to vote yes but no. While it was a great, tightly constructed concept, in comparison it was not effective enough, it’s a bit annoying because timeless had a lot of looseness that Certain eliminated with his strict imagist style, and while it may appear that timeless was more complex/ambitious and put in more effort in reality it was probably more difficult to write with such minimalist restraint. I’m also biased towards anything alien related, especially when the narrator is an external force moralizing about familiar things. Alien moralizing is always effective because it reframes the familiar in an unfamiliar way. Good experimentation by Certain that fell a bit flat, perhaps to be more effective it could have been even slower if possible, have even the whole ‘action’ just about a single task like rolling over from one side to the other in the hospital bed or something. Don’t know really, it’s difficult. Certain was engaging but not really that effective, while timeless was effective but not nearly as engaging on a thematic level as Certain. Voting for timeless.

[Perpendicular]

Timeless: the seldom bliss/hell a kiss/know we’re fucked/ode to luck bit was my favorite part. This started real strong and forceful and wound out with a good point. The allegory in the middle really tied it all together. Dope verse.
Certain: Great characterization and great spread of characters. I think the verse lacked a strong connection between the characters and the universe, and I look for that in a verse. Also, feel like you spent more time characterizing the first character than the others, which is a shame. The thing that’s holding this verse back the most is that it was encapsulating but not engaging enough.
Vote: Timeless

[Zombie]

I read this before, and I believe timeless took this easily. Certain had a slow vibe - which effective had the resonance of a goomba. For timeless, I believe this was a step above his average writing and showcased exemplary talent. Certain tried to do too much - with too little and that affected him here.

Short burts like this were needed throughout

"The smile leaves his face. He tends to get lonely fast.
Another glance out the window,
but no one passes."

Seemed rush. Timeless had gems sprinkled throughout which made for a very enjoyable read

No mind of a human could believe that they're the cause of this.
You just figure every other species are clueless and just caught in it.

My vote goes to timeless.

[Frank]

Timeless

Murky clarity coming from a bloody toilet bowl of dead goldfishs watery grave. The story was flip flopping like a fish out of water. You breathed life into your idea as it gasped for its life in a plastic bag void of air. I thought the enthusiasm was there, you had the pep in your step and the wind at your gills but just couldn't make this verse fly with the rest of the flying fish. Good creativity though, keep thinking outside the box, er, bowl.

Certain

That was it? I guess, felt incomplete, to say the least. Sounded like a crazy home at a hospital. Verse read as if it lost some of its marbles. The characters were uninspired and did not interact. Plus, it all ended on an anticlimactic, depressing note. Overall, this is probably the worst piece I've ever read from you.

voting timeless