I want to make Dull Boy proud of me

[Witty]

The Zen state of mind, is a pet hate of mine, cuz it feels like when I fret, I pen greater rhymes. I'm a sensei, yet I struggle to eat because it's rent day, I got that hunger to lead yet highly strung from fatigue as I shuffle my feet thru the scum on the street, stunning a priest with a taser, carving 666 in his chest to summon the beast, I feel it coming; unleashed from the fear in my stomach, unease dissapears as I plummet to the depths of hell where the peasants dwell, unpleasant smells lingering, souls mingling in depression's cells. First impressions sell, the thirst in the back of my throat makes my voice crack, and I croak...as death stands poised; black, in a cloak...I'm a baby in a pram and I want my toys back...sniffing coke off my boy's sack...just a joke...to make up for what my ploy lacks. Shit's pristine, I love capes and molesting whores, jack..as I shift between enough shapes to test a Rorshach, I think I've been in this mess before, the sin, the infected core full of freshly tore wounds, eating the flesh of four goons, domestic lore looms, I'm a legend in my hometown and it's pleasant but I'm zoned out, reflecting on the sewn doubt in the back of my mind so I'm stressing as I hone clout. Picturing unicorns...fuckin' stupid horns, fuckin' internet laggin' when I'm tryna view this porn, just came all over my dinner, fuckin' ruined corn...fuckin' moving on. Fuck it, maybe I should use bigger words? insert a 'nigga'? Curse? maybe then this shit'd work, stfu I'm taking a shit at work, and I'm a little irked cuz the kid's disturbed by the fag in the next shitter...'Is your ass doing tricks mister? I haven't heard an anus make a sound like that since I raped my kid sister, you're producing more wind than 6 twisters, you better use wet wipes on your ass, I hope that shit blisters'. I'm not even at work, not even doing a turd, I'm just letting the rap spurt and I'm just fooling with words, being so cool is a curse it takes a bit of getting used to at first, go look up Miley Cyrus's boobs on youtube, they're pert. I'm kinda bored now, gonna find a whorehouse with four brown sluts and leave them bitches worn out, if you think I meant I'ma give 'em dick, nah I meant with mental arithmetic...two guys + 1 gifted chick = fun, and if it's quick then we can cuddle and watch Nickelodeon, you thought I had one trick, aww shit the pony wins. See this space? watch it, my only sin is lack of giving enough of a fuck to hold this pen, but when I do I can ruffle 'em, cuz when I come home again I'm honing in on these phony trends, tryna close me in, blow me, you're about to see the homie win, I extort lonely men and whore them out on corners for 40 pence.

[dull boy]

:)

[Witty]

!!!

[CopyPat]

wow. this was awesome. holy shit, seriously.

i'll be reading this again later and giving better feed, but for now props. super dope.

[Split]

I'm a legend in my hometown and its pleasant but I'm zoned out

filthy^^

[God Of War]

Picturing unicorns...fuckin' stupid horns, fuckin' internet laggin' when I'm tryna view this porn, just came all over my dinner, fuckin' ruined corn...fuckin' moving on. Fuck it, maybe I should use bigger words? insert a 'nigga'? Curse? maybe then this shit'd work, stfu I'm taking a shit at work, and I'm a little irked cuz the kid's disturbed by the fag in the next shitter...'Is your ass doing tricks mister? I haven't heard an anus make a sound like that since I raped my kid sister, you're producing more wind than 6 twisters, you better use wet wipes on your ass, I hope that shit blisters'. I'm not even at work, not even doing a turd, I'm just letting the rap spurt and I'm just fooling with words


that was ridiculously nice

tho i dont like paragraph rhymes this was sick man

[oats]

Bookmarked you Irish fuck

[Paradigm]

I shift between enough shapes to test a Rorshach

lol dope

wasn't really feeling the rest TBH your imagery is cool but the substance behind it was lacking even for a kind of parody... also reading it as a topical it kind of ran out of steam is prolly why i wasnt feeling it

RTF: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=63323

[Witty]

Originally Posted by oats

Bookmarked you Irish fuck

<3

[ill nik-A]

This was hot, first time I've read ur stuff I believe and I'm impressed, this was solid and done better than some of those who practice it more often

Props fox

[Witty]

Originally Posted by Paradigm

I shift between enough shapes to test a Rorshach

lol dope

wasn't really feeling the rest TBH your imagery is cool but the substance behind it was lacking even for a kind of parody... also reading it as a topical it kind of ran out of steam is prolly why i wasnt feeling it

RTF: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=63323

Lol it isn't a topical...just random rhymes.

I'll get at your piece ASAP.

[Sick]

Lmao this was ok


But if you were trying to mimic dull is needs some work

[Witty]

I wasn't trying to mimic his writing, just the paragraph format.

Witty does Witty's writing style.

[Sick]

Originally Posted by God Of War

Picturing unicorns...fuckin' stupid horns, fuckin' internet laggin' when I'm tryna view this porn, just came all over my dinner, fuckin' ruined corn...fuckin' moving on. Fuck it, maybe I should use bigger words? insert a 'nigga'? Curse? maybe then this shit'd work, stfu I'm taking a shit at work, and I'm a little irked cuz the kid's disturbed by the fag in the next shitter...'Is your ass doing tricks mister? I haven't heard an anus make a sound like that since I raped my kid sister, you're producing more wind than 6 twisters, you better use wet wipes on your ass, I hope that shit blisters'. I'm not even at work, not even doing a turd, I'm just letting the rap spurt and I'm just fooling with words


that was ridiculously nice

tho i dont like paragraph rhymes this was sick man

Lmao @God Of War appearing out of nowhere dropping feed in the OM


Sup br0

[Sick]

Originally Posted by Witty

I wasn't trying to mimic his writing, just the paragraph format.

Witty does Witty's writing style.

Oh my bad

[Wise Wiggles]

Reserving this for when I have some time and my brain isn't burnt to a crisp.

[Fig]

This made me proud witty

[PancakeBrah]

"The Zen state of mind, is a pet hate of mine, cuz it feels like when I fret, I pen greater rhymes."

Good opening. You didn't need a comma after mind, which is a pattern I noticed throughout this piece. The over/wrong use of commas. I think part of it is the 'flow' you're trying to impart to the reader but it stuck out to me. Zen state of mind/pen greater rhymes was very cool and the thought bridging the rhymes wasn't forced. Creative and probably honest. Cool.

"Shit's pristine, I love capes and molesting whores, jack..as I shift between enough shapes to test a Rorshach, I think I've been in this mess before, the sin, the infected core full of freshly tore wounds, eating the flesh of four goons, domestic lore looms, I'm a legend in my hometown and it's pleasant but I'm zoned out,"

Jack was cool. Rorschach line was fire. Domestic lore looms was nice wording. The last line, as Split noted, was also fire. The section between the first line and this quoted section felt a little too rhyme driven for me. Here you kept the schemes going while being original, content-wise. More 'domestic lore looms' and rorschach, less stunning priests with lasers imo.

"Picturing unicorns...fuckin' stupid horns, fuckin' internet laggin' when I'm tryna view this porn, just came all over my dinner, fuckin' ruined corn...fuckin' moving on."

Ha. This was awesome. Very random, but good. The over-use of 'fuckin'' was used well here. 'Fuckin' moving on' was a nice cap to this thought. It was like a one-off tangent in the midst of a whole tangential verse. Basically felt like "I just needed to say this". Flowed well, too. Ruined corn.

"Fuck it, maybe I should use bigger words? insert a 'nigga'? Curse? maybe then this shit'd work"

Didn't like this. Dull boy does this sometimes, too, ironically. Or not ironically, what with the piece's title and all. Whatever. I generally dislike going overly meta, breaking the fourth wall kind of shit. You have this head of steam going then you stop to give a semi-critique. Not my favorite portion.

"two guys + 1 gifted chick = fun, and if it's quick then we can cuddle and watch Nickelodeon"

Liked this. Was Nickelodeon suppose to rhyme with equal fun? I say no sir. Regardless, thought this was cool. I'm saying cool a lot.

"See this space? watch it, my only sin is lack of giving enough of a fuck to hold this pen, but when I do I can ruffle 'em, cuz when I come home again I'm honing in on these phony trends, tryna close me in, blow me, you're about to see the homie win, I extort lonely men and whore them out on corners for 40 pence."

Solid closing section. 'Phony trends' was a bit forced. There were a couple examples of forced rhymes like that here and there. 'Hone clout', '6 twisters', and 'ploy lacks' come to mind. But the ending was solid.

Overall this was good, and enjoyable. I actually liked this more than your more 'standard' pieces. Not to say they those aren't good, they are. But you kind of ran with this and dropped the pretense. It was uneven but fun, which is what any open mic should aim for. Being fun to read. This was. I think if you ran through a couple more "paragraph" joints you could sharpen your wording and rhyme smoothness to the point dull boy would be super proud. As it stands now, this was a fun read with a few kinks to work out. Still, glad to have read it. Good shit Witworth.

Throw a couple more periods in there, too.

[Sick]

That would be Pancake, Andrea.

No, no. NO. Don't ever ask about Pancake.

[PancakeBrah]

Originally Posted by Sick

That would be Pancake, Andrea.

No, no. NO. Don't ever ask about Pancake.

?