Week 5 championship: Frank (4-0) vs. oats (4-0) vs. Vividlyvague (4-0) \\ oats wins 3-1-0

[Certain]

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.


Topic


"Don't Let Me Down"


Good luck, @Frank, @oats and @Vividlyvague.

[oats]

Ha! (mentally) Sicker Than Your Average

“sit back, relax, don't writhe and fidget
we gotta sink deeper to find why you did it…”

everything’s white.
Except a dot resting dormant to the right of me
off in the distance, I cautiously squint to try and see.
A haze of color vapors upward when I slide my feet -
low rumbling. The dot begins to grow as white retreats.

Each step’s vertiginous, am I walking or falling towards it?
(Darkness engorges)
rumbling louder til a cavernous entrance
materializes.
I creep to the side to an unfolding ladder descending.

the bottom of it: two armed-guards
distorted reflections, funhouse versions of me in nuanced garb.
“Halt! What do you want?” - startled, I begged my speech to expire
they’d been here a while - fatigued proof of feet grooves showed each move was tired.
Up close they were see-through, I could peer to the pyres
behind them in airy heaps - “This is where you keep your fears and desires."

“We’re not supposed to let you down here,” they echoed in chorus
but when they stepped up towards me it rendered them formless.
“Your threats are all worthless, let me go!” I demanded
Eliciting snickers - “You don’t understand it.”
“Truth is cancer, we’re here to protect you from it -
come see - if you think you possess the stomach."
The first one showed me my desires, but before I could ask him
what everything meant, he already Formed a Reaction.

The corner was flashing with dreams from the past:
morbid attractions, friends clinking their glass.
Adolescent me, peaking a glance at my mother undressing,
and a sequence of acts trying to gain other’s acceptance.
“It’s something depressing, what your heart gravitated to.
Think of ALL the things you didn’t have the talent to pursue.
I make things manageable for you, a crucial part of your pride
You’re bound to fail, I don’t know why you bothered to try."

I felt a hotness arise within, but before I could respond
I found myself on the black shore of a sordid little pond.
“Incorrigible fraud,” the second guard barbed as he appeared,
“you have to dive down for the water to be clear.
If you’re gargling your fears and you need some protection
then don’t dive - I’m close by to be your Projection.”
I breached it in seconds. Eyes burned from the depth.
But the guard lied! The dark tide grew murkier yet.
The pressure burdened my chest, panic spiraled inside of me -
till it burst out around me through the waves of a stifled scream.

Pictures of childhood. Tormented with lies and regrets.
Paralyzed. Suspended in a torrent of what I’ve tried to forget.
Everyone laughing at me: surrounded, naked and shoved
too much a failure for love, but my biggest fear:
becoming what I was capable of.

Kept swimming. Lungs stinging. Crude shape. Escape hatch!
We tried to warn you, but my fate was too late to take back.
A few cranks and waves crashed, swallowing swiftly;
vortex of my fears, desires, and defenses - I brought it all with me.

The other side. Two different men. Stopped atop the horn of a staircase
that fell deep into a blank abyss; darkness also worn on their face.
Shadows stretched, lurking behind them. Panicked, I couldn’t stare straight
silhouettes of specters illumined a path I wouldn’t dare take.

I won’t let you down, the first appealed the same -
like before, when I confronted him, the less real he became.

People say the brain is controlled by outer stimulus,
but those pictures are tricksters, so I filter out the images.
Think of this - was it your fault your single mom was a whore?
Did you deserve to grow up in a place so dishonest and poor?
Were your promises born out of impossible lies?
Does your conscience mean more than old inaudible cries?
All of those lives down there, they don’t know what it’s like -

The second man interrupted, the ghost of my psyche:

Ignorance is bliss, should’ve enjoyed it while it lasted
No need to rationalize - if you bury it, it never happened.

The dirty, painful, liberating Truth - down those stairs it existed
Instead of asking, I demanded, “Don’t let me down…bury me with it.”

[e11even]

"I don't think I can take it any more, Reese.
You're too safe and boring, our kid and place are corny.
We need a break for at least like eighty mornings...
Fuck that... maybe eternity is more spacing for me...." CLICK.

She and Jake were highschool sweethearts, those nights laced with horny
escapades and lazy warring with the latent bustle of educated performing.
They concieved on prom night, a pudge made graduation annoying.
Oh, congradulations on your bastard! If only it was ever that blatantly warming...
But Jake stuck by, enjoying her company til that first baby boy scream.
"I can't take this shit, Reese! There's a b-ball club and I'm joining!
I refuse to watch that little shit come before me!"
Jake's demons were forming... but Reese played her part like Mama taught.
Laboring more than not, "Ends must meet for rice and meat to see table cloth..."
Yea, yea...

She made all for naught.

"I worked this telemarketer job for you, Jake!" She gave the cradle a rock.
"I saved with you for us, Jake!" pushing harder, Junior startled and shocked...
"I gave you all of me, Jake!" A violent shove sent the cradle off, tossed to the wall.
A loud wailing filled the nursery. "Josh!"
She recovered the newborn and sent him to live with her mom.

Okay, motherfucker. You don't just dump me! Something is wrong...
Checking Jake's Facebook wall, comments sprawling his log.
Melanie? "The Queen of our prom?"
Is she better than me? "She better at getting you off?!"

Then she read his relationship status: Engaged
Status: "Getting married in May! Who's seeing me cross
into the bliss of this ceremonious day?"

She vomitted uncontrollably, with a weakening sway.
"I'll show you! I'll show... BLEEEHH! You're dying TODAY!

Or... "This could be an exercise in a glory retained,
A prospering against said odds, and in turn, having a laugh in it's face."
But then... "I could commit suicide and make him mourn at my wake!
The ultimate sacrifice could be payback; his Karmic exchange!"
And so, she set out to plunge him into the dark pits of pain.
The only thoughts fit were bought this whole hard fifth and pain
killers to bring forthwith more shit than he can hardly retain!
It'll be awesome to see raw bitch in poor pissed display,
After he forfeits his whore miss, his chorus will change!

A dozen sleepers ingested, patron the perfect confection,
Nodding,eternally, as she'd expected... til the alarm arrested her resting.
"What the fuck?! No angels or demons? Gold or fire?"
Time to rethink this 'death' thing. Maybe the next wouldn't be vexing...

3 attempts, 2 slice wrists, and one concussion later,
C'est la vie! Who knows, maybe it'll hit the paper?
She cannonballs off the overpass, turning her joyful cry to vapors,
Impailing a limo- limbs broken, but Mel and Jake met undertakers.

Los Angeles Times: "Just Married Couple Killed by Suicidal Stranger"

[Frank]

Michael Jordan - For The Love Of The Game
March Madness - North Carolina 1982 Championship

"NEVER LET ME DOWN"

The championship banner rose to the rooftop of the Tarheel Arena.
High above the light blue of the Carolina courts reservoir-sealed marina.
Daddy was darthly ill with emphysema - his cigar filled, Bolivar Cofradia
Memorabilia, on the wall the reel of cart wheeling streakers & cars teal with fever.
March feels like amnesia...
"Jordan dribbles to the arch for a 3" and careens into the bleacher. He just shrugs at Dean.
Coach calls for a time out with a disrupting T
He scolds the rookie in front of the other 13 teammates, an ugly scene of cussing' obscene. ..
"Adjust to the screen!!!!! Pump Fake!!! Find the open man cutting!!! Or I'm subbing in Pete"
The 30 seconds were up - The referee blew the whistle, ear drum puncturing
"Tweeeeeeeeeeee"
..
"Follow your shot." He shouted thunderously over 21,750 fans up on their feet.
Georgetown had been undefeated, crushing the league. Patrick Ewing was a dunking machine
They were bigger. They were stronger. They were faster. Those mothetfuckers were mean!
..
But we were gunning for the ring, sinking buckets and dropping jumpers and hustling on D.
They had gotten into foul trouble, as 23 fought off the double team and got off the shot that had the buzzer beat.
..
They had missed lay ups. The momentum had swung - as my dad coughed up his lungs suffering to breathe.
..
Everyone touch;swinged the ball around like pinball on the color TV.
Dad sucked in a wheeze, his adrenaline rushing: comforting -
Jordan dropped another dagger with the clutchest release of any young player he must've seen since the Bucks and Kareem.
Georgetown called timeout. Heading off the court heads hung in defeat.
The shot clock stopped at 3:23.
The score board read a 100 to 3...
The referees went over to the scoring table and corrected the malfunction, they were only up 3.
Coach Dean drew up a motion offense with his sharpie marker, instructions:
Then comes up with a speech:
"Some want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen.
Which ones are we!?"
He screams as sweat pours off his player's bodies puffing with steam.
"I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying"
He says to his group of guys runned with fatigue.
The NBA scouts were watching 23 from the sidelines and up in the luxury seats
The NBA draft was these kids big chance to make reality of what once was a dream.
"Your money is guaranteed. Your minutes are not - So play these last couple of minutes with a bunch of belief..."
"Tarheels on 3
ONE! TWO! THREE! TARHEELS "NC" up in the sleeve.
..
The pom-poms pumping; the marching bands trumpets erupting - the drummers drumming -
Number 23 beats the defender to the weak side, taking it to the hole and stuffing it!
..
Defense wins championships. We crashed the boards, converse sneakers shuffle & squeaked.
"They call him Windex man because he's always cleaning the glass going up for the Re"
Fundamentals can be teached, but what he could under pressure, in the crunch was something to see.
Jordan chest passed to the center - just then my father reached for his pump in relief.
"With authority! Yes, and it counts! He'll go to the line for one"
We cut the lead.
My father put the cigar butt in his cheek. Huffing, beet-red, underneath a ton of the heap.
Crossing over, drop step, floater - Coach had saw enough
Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
..
Coach Dean called for his final timeout and ran a play for the brightest young star in the country - Number 23
We missed the free throw just so Michael could out hustle and retrieve the ball and hit the game winning bucket, nothing but net - extended tongue as he leaped.
The # 1 seed
..
Gatorade dumped on the dean.

Posing after the game winning shot - one hand up like a G

Swish

[Adonis]

Oats – I really enjoyed your verse. A deep look into the mind of a battered soul/boy/man now who was abused. I loved the look into his mind, from the soldiers guarding these memories to the long dark stairs leading to the memories. Flow was decent, you had some instances that slightly veered, however, the content in those lines or bars were crucial to the narrative, so in a sense I actually appreciated them more, the “sacrificed flow” or rhyme for delving deeper into the story is always enjoyable for me. I loved the imagery, this entire verse read dark and damaged which is dope. I honestly don't have critique other than do you, cuz this verses start to fin was simply a fun, in depth read into the mind of character. Dope shit.


Vivy - Ends must meet for rice and meat to see table cloth... not the most common of sentence in a natural (American) conversation I must say. “The queen of our prom” “The only thoughts fit werebought this whole hard fifth and pain “ extra word maybe? Next line had melded a nice bar of flow, I don't know why the first line is off, it seemed you took time on wording. “Whore miss” IDK man. It's the same old thing again. Multie after Multie, conversation after conversation of gobbledygook for rhymes sake...Nay, dope rhymes, but none the less, the lines flow immaculate and sound aesthetically pleasing but as I read they decipher the meanings they dont make sense, just leaving me to scratch my head. Sure I get what you mean, but a topical is not just a rap, it's also a story, and yours is hindered by the flow, albeit extremely crisp, most likely too crisp of a flow. If that makes sense. “Two slit wrists” Nice ending to a good story, too many errors however in my personal/ honest and humble opinion.

Frank – Extremely long bars that flow for the most part, but then you end a line with “Re” in short for rebound for rhymes sake. NO. You also never really said exactly who you were, which is fine, except you mentioned “we” in the huddle, knew everything that happened during timeouts as well as what a man on a couch was doing. I guess you can simply be referring to the royal “we”, much like I do when I speak of the Raiders, but still a stretch when reading. Imagery was cool, but again, there were missteps in formatting of sentences while I read which would throw me off while reading disrupting any semblance of flow or cohesiveness I may I have mustered.

Vote oats for having a better verse overall in terms in content and meaning as well as a different approach to topic. He not only nailed the topic, but again did so while thinking out side of the AOWL 's box and did so talent laden.

[zygote]

To summarize it is 'The Movie Labyrinth' v 'Daytime Soap Opera' v 'Sports Gonzo Journalism.' Firstly, enjoyed the characterization of the two psyche parts, interpreted it as a bit of psychoanalytic dream analysis in rhyming format. Some parts were obvious nods like the capitalization of Reaction, Projection etc, but other parts were more subtle. It was good that there was no definitive analysis at the end, but it was good to leave the dream as it was - just focusing on the manifest rather than the latent content. The language, especially the dialogue was nice, the way the two 'antagonist' parts of the mind talked was cool - "Incorrigible fraud", gave a kind of sense that the character having the dream had some problems with authority/academy. The childhood flashback part was good to give some insight into early development and you even threw in some Oedipal complex stuff too (the single mother part). Overall this was really interesting and it allowed for some thought, just didn't like the first two lines in bold, it made the main character seem like a psychopath in some mandatory analysis when perhaps it would have been more effective to leave that out and make the character seem like an everyman with these disturbing dreams. Then came a nice contrast from VV, italics was a good device to show the inner monologue, it was good how you had the 'fake' dialogue next to the 'real' internal dialogue. I like the setting you created without much description, you were able to explain that the characters demographics without explicitly stating it, again the dialogue was a strong reason for that. I don't understand the ending with the Los Angeles Times though, that was necessary and detracted rather than added to it. It didn't read like an article, so that ending didn't really fit. Still, overall you had a good focus and stuck to it. Frank had the best rhyming of the three, also there is the signature use of non-words to make a rhyme which was excellent - best example being the "Tweeeeeeeeeeee" part. Also, it was a good connection to the topic, "Don't let me down." that was what the Dean/coach was thinking, there was a good display of portraying that thought without stating it. You had good themes of faith in a star player, and there was that foreshadowing for Jordan becoming a great future player. It was really good, the lightest of the three in terms of underlying stuff, but that is good too, because not everything has to be some big comment on something all the time. You brought the reader into a time and a place, and you did it well. Overall, voting for Oats.

[PancakeBrah]

oats -

There's a lot to digest here. First of all, this was obviously a great verse. The concept was very thorough and engrossing. The idea of explaining or exploring the mind in an abstract way has been done before but actually giving characters to that exploration was cool. You employed a few different style switches, in terms of rhymes/flow, which showed your range. I like how the verse ended. This was a nuanced approach, working in the details. I particularly enjoyed the second italicized portion. My favorite single line, though, was the ender for the first italicized portion ("but my biggest fear: becoming what I was capable of."). You characterized a broken person extremely well here, in my estimation. This wasn't a portrait of cartoon character, this could be a real person. Subtlety. Well done in all respects. I think 'nuanced garb' was the only wording issue I saw throughout.

Vividlyvague -

Good verse here. You had some strengths with a few little hiccups but overall a champ match worthy verse. Your rhymes were strong throughout and the use of thoughts before speech was a nice little touch you don't see too often in topicals. Taking a broad view of the story it was unique and kind of funny, which was refreshing. Maybe a little too unbelievable, but I took it at face value and enjoyed it. Your wording, though, was a bit awkward in a couple spots due to forcing rhymes. We've all been there. In a Champ match, though, it can be the difference. Also, the Melanie throwing up bit seemed a bit extreme, maybe too comical/far-fetched. I could see that being a reaction but the way it was worded lacked subtlety. As far as story pieces go, though, this was one of the better ones I've read this season. Not one you see every week. You definitely took the age-old topical favorite of suicide and gave it a new twist. Jake seems like a douche.

Frank -

Great verse. All of your hallmarks were here. Unique subject matter, engrossing detail, and unorthodox line structuring/rhyming/flow. You really captured the moment. An expert eye for detail and scene creation. You created a fuzzy 1980's tv screen image for the reader, bunny ears and all. There were some small issues, but this was great on balance. Your obsession with keeping one scheme definitely forced some funky wording and forced rhymes. Also, the main character's father's health issues came off as unnecessary as opposed to additive. I think Adonis' criticism of who the narrator was is a bit off base. I'm pretty confident this was from the perspective of a fan watching the game with his father. Any use of 'we' was a royal we, and the conversations of Dean were just a bit of literary liberty. A Frank verse through and through, great despite some minor flaws.

This three-way lived up to hype. Although VV definitely contributed a worthy verse this is a decision between oats and Frank, to me. Both wrote great verses, both wrote extremely different verses. In the end I think oats approach to the topic was a bit more effective, and his verse was more air-tight technically which I prefer. Wouldn't be surprised if either won. Good job to all three.

v/ oats

[King Ra.]

I read this Saturday morning and have been torn deciding who I'm voting for. For me, it comes down to the two more creative stories. Vivid, you've progressed greatly and that's why you're here in this title match. You have a unique way of telling stories and your style is similar to Just Write somewhat, except that you really take the more unorthodox route concept-wise. Your piece here however wasn't one of your best conceptually and compared to what oats and Frank put together, this wasn't up to par. That's not saying your story was bad.... your dialogue was good, your rhyming was as well, but the story itself didn't seem to come around in it's fullness. The ending was a head scratcher for me. I felt you could have done it differently or, you could have added more to top it off. The real setback is that this wasn't as creative as some of your better pieces and I was expecting something really interesting and crazy from you. Oats, you entered the dream world on this one. So I'll tell you, that you earned preference points for that. That's my niche. Your writing was the more complex of this match up and you do so well to really present the details. I liked the fading in and out of different "memories" or thoughts of your character being led by what I believe projections of his subconscious. Very deep stuff. You didn't focus too much on rhyming to drive the story along, which was a good move because this piece is very content driven, and it worked out very well. You ended this story much better than Vivid, tying the topic into everything very well. Frank, you had the more creative story here, and of course your end rhyme style was part of the driving force in the fluidity of your piece. I feel Vivid and oats went a more bit complex, and maybe you figured that, so the direction you took wasn't as complex but also not simplistic. You did a good job in describing the moments in the game, centered around Micheal Jordan in his days wearing the Carolina blue. Your main character, imo, seemed like one of the players, at least that's what I believed. The part of the father which you slid in there in-between I didn't fully get, but maybe Cake was correct in that it's a father-son watching the game live or at home. But you also described the moments with the coach interacting with his players, particularly Jordan, which gave me reason to believe your main character is one of the guys on the court. Either case, I really enjoyed reading your piece.

Vivid put together a story which I felt wasn't one of his better work and compared to his opponents was the weakest. I liked oats sort of complex dive into the mind and Frank's snap shot take of a basketball game was intriguing and well written. So who do I vote for? Preference wise, oats wrote about a world that I love to explore and he did an excellent job with it. But, believe it or not, when I read through these pieces Frank's reeled me in from beginning to end. What better way to capture the essence of "don't let me down", and I felt Frank did that while telling an exciting story on the basketball court.

MVGT: Frank. Good job by all competitors.