Uprising of the Downtrodden - 300 B.C.

[Vulgar]

[

[Zen]

There wasn't a glimmer of couth, hierarchies spread their miserable roots
The Indus riddled with brutes - predicaments proved monotheistic religion was moot
^Nice crisp rhyming. I was going to quote this and the subliminal message couplet but my phone won't copy it for some reason. Those two sections stood out though when it came to strong rhyming.

Pretty creative writing showcased here especially with what was added in the parenthesis. As for the story, idk if its true or not but that seems very possible. This is a little underwhelming imo when compared to your other works. That doesn't mean it wasn't good though, just not as goods some of your others. Still this is more impressive than what the majority of the om. Stay up.

[Pinot Grij]

Yo, this was absolutely brilliant. Every angle here is covered nicely, great diction, rhyme scheme, original content and just flat-out entertainment. Not many can pull off a historical piece and put you right in the time and place that you need to be to truly appreciated it. You did that here, and it was awesome.

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Vulgar

There were clusters of restless peasants in the fields...
^12 syllable line.
Right around the time when the world saw the invention of the wheel
^16 syllable line. The syllable count don't gotta be EXACT
but for Christ sakes within two syllables of each other
would be optimal. This is too far apart. The only artists I know of
that this rule doesn't apply to are artists like "twista", "yela wolf", tech nine" etc.
The reason being they can switch up they're cadence with
such precision it doesn't matter...plus they rhyme over
entire sections of snares and shit. I understand this is text
and there is no beat here...but regardless matching the syllables
would still aid fluidity and overall presentation. Syllable count aside
the content of the bar is good. Pretty straightforward.


Aristocratic snakes roamed the Indus River Valley
with intent that was concealed - a lesson they'd reveal...
Misconduct had an electric effect on the populace... they had the temperament of eels
The Damara, or feudal landlords, ordered a town gathering
Families who refused to attend were herded together with bronze javelins
At this time, conditions were beyond hazardous -
There wasn't a glimmer of couth, hierarchies spread their miserable roots
The Indus riddled with brutes - predicaments proved monotheistic religion was moot
Debate was nigh in tents and flats,
when ancient tribes went tit for tat over civil disputes...

Artisans weren't amused; carpenters & shepherds embraced their nervous kin
The property taxes they might soon face bordered on tasteless, murderous
Documents were passed around by the hundreds, irresoluteness would tease them
Sign OUR land over to these demons? If not, executed for treason...
Kings and emperors were booted as weaklings
"The fine print" was the new royal lineage.
A poisonous, crimson strain of hibiscus began to bloom in the region
Corruption was no foreign tongue; they weren't new to the teachings
All naysayers ended up as destitute sinews on the beaches
So many parasites flocked, their collective destructiveness might've formed typhus
Erosion of rights burnt through the city like a bush fire through old Cyprus
"Take what Damaras say with a large grain of salt," warned the elders...
it's too bad they couldn't afford spices.

[roughly translated due to poor condition of historical tablet]

"By the decree of Jyahangira the Pratihara...
It'll take forty parables, NOT forty thieves like Ali Baba
Gandharavas and Hosa Rajanaka have a message for the serfs
Khana Ebhrahimaja respects & honors your testament to serve
We've determined your elemental worth, by the king's orders"
(The document was full of obscure references meant to snip corners
seize borderlands, bleed pauper's hands, claim acres of rich orchards)
Damara enforcers read the last statement, being the orators
Confident with their job security since the statuses of their lords would soar

"Signed, [the following names]
اپ کی زمین ہے اور اسی میں ہماری بھلائی ہے. اس پر دستخط کرنے سے ایک اہستہ رفتار ہے.
Yorlandizouhahs, Sine-Italwhay, Atya Li-Shure"

It was a subliminal message, such maliciousness
as was discovered by a resident calligraphist...
Angered, the villagers rendered these wicked men
deader than Australopithecus...

"Get the gist of it? Let me explain...
Yorlandizouhahs, Sine-Italwhay, Atya Li-Shure
TRANSLATED:
"Your land is ours. Sign it over at your leisure."

Consequently, enforcers' blood drenched the soil of the dry provinces
The Samaras, blind to any common decency,
immune to all laws & high doctrine lists
had something to look forward to -
as pitchforks were lodged into their eye socket slits
Trends still persist today in the same thrones where the Nine Brahmin sit
What men do for consolidated power is mind boggling...

I'm going to type a summary of my thoughts on this.


On a negative note the syllable count could have been tighter and that's one of the reasons I didn't do a bar by bar breakdown. Id have been just repeating myself over and over.
My advice is keep each line within two syllables of each other.
You have fantastic rhyming ability so that one amendment alone would increase the fluidity and overall enjoyment.

On a positive note, you're rhyming ability...use of internal...emphasis on vowl sounds...
make this incredibly fluid...especially for a drop with not always so tight nit syllable wise.
Personally I'm not at all interested in what you choice to talk about...
and I don't know much about it to boot....but I suspect you do.
Some of the things you say are so on point I suspect you do you're research.
I commend that. I don't get the impression you are just trying to
seem intelligent and elegant. Some ppl do that though lol.
Overall this was above avarage. Enjoyable read.