Week 2: Mike Wrecka (1-0) vs. Vividlyvague (1-0) \\ Vividlyvague wins 6-5

Certain · 03-10-2014, 03:29 AM

Vividlyvague: God, you really write exactly like Frank sometimes. There were a lot of great aspects to this verse, though it was undermined by some of your trademark flaws. Your fluid rhyming was very easy to catch on to, and you didn't slip up very often as you've been wont to do in the past. The thing that impressed me most might be the amount of subtle foreshadowing. I wasn't crazy about the incest angle as a whole, but you did a really good job setting it up and making this verse more worthwhile on the second read. The emotion was strong, helped along by the natural rhymes and the use of dialogue. You've become a lot better a tthat since first signing in last season. You've become a lot better at everything since first signing in last season. My initial feeling was that you didn't ground the verse well enough by providing clear details, but the ending made that a little more understandable. There were some sloppy points, but it's rare that a verse with a major twist reveal at the ending still works so effectively on the lead up to the ending. And you developed the character of Miguel very well, though our narrator wasn't as clean. This was a very good verse, perhaps the best I've read from you.

Mike Wrecka: This verse is a rock-solid example of the end-of-verse twist. Your flow was perfect, and your end rhymes were strong (though a better use of internal rhymes was still to be desired). You built up quite a lot of foreshadowing without giving it away until about eight lines away from the end, but I don't think you ruined it by leaking too much information. What I do think is that these verses in general struggle with feeling concrete in their images when you're hiding so much. That became a big factor here because Vividlyvague did such a good job of both having his own end-of-verse twist and also keeping me more engaged throughout his verse. Your verse was a sturdy showcase for wordplay and metaphor and creativity, while Vividlyvague offered an emotion gamut through his detailed storytelling. Had the lyricism in your verse been a bit more complex and had you avoided a few bumpy clichés, you still might h ave pulled this out because your verse was strong. But I think Vividlyvague connected more with me and with the topic while executing his end-of-verse twist with even more of a surprise factor, for better or worse.

This was an excellent battle. I could have seen it going either way. But it has to end.

Vote: Vividlyvague

03-10-2014, 03:29 AM	#14
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Vividlyvague: God, you really write exactly like Frank sometimes. There were a lot of great aspects to this verse, though it was undermined by some of your trademark flaws. Your fluid rhyming was very easy to catch on to, and you didn't slip up very often as you've been wont to do in the past. The thing that impressed me most might be the amount of subtle foreshadowing. I wasn't crazy about the incest angle as a whole, but you did a really good job setting it up and making this verse more worthwhile on the second read. The emotion was strong, helped along by the natural rhymes and the use of dialogue. You've become a lot better a tthat since first signing in last season. You've become a lot better at everything since first signing in last season. My initial feeling was that you didn't ground the verse well enough by providing clear details, but the ending made that a little more understandable. There were some sloppy points, but it's rare that a verse with a major twist reveal at the ending still works so effectively on the lead up to the ending. And you developed the character of Miguel very well, though our narrator wasn't as clean. This was a very good verse, perhaps the best I've read from you. Mike Wrecka: This verse is a rock-solid example of the end-of-verse twist. Your flow was perfect, and your end rhymes were strong (though a better use of internal rhymes was still to be desired). You built up quite a lot of foreshadowing without giving it away until about eight lines away from the end, but I don't think you ruined it by leaking too much information. What I do think is that these verses in general struggle with feeling concrete in their images when you're hiding so much. That became a big factor here because Vividlyvague did such a good job of both having his own end-of-verse twist and also keeping me more engaged throughout his verse. Your verse was a sturdy showcase for wordplay and metaphor and creativity, while Vividlyvague offered an emotion gamut through his detailed storytelling. Had the lyricism in your verse been a bit more complex and had you avoided a few bumpy clichés, you still might h ave pulled this out because your verse was strong. But I think Vividlyvague connected more with me and with the topic while executing his end-of-verse twist with even more of a surprise factor, for better or worse. This was an excellent battle. I could have seen it going either way. But it has to end. Vote: Vividlyvague __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.