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#1 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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The leaves are brown now.
The smoke twists from chimneys and lips. Our feet crunch across sidewalks, embracing how dimly they're lit. We know these streets, spinning and flipped. The broken seams of parochial dreams driven to shit. Jessica Hardy's home. Crimson, her kiss. We envision its bliss. We move in silence, our jaws tight with simpering grins. We know these streets, the left turn onto Braddock Lane, and how if you pass the Rays' fence, their Doberman Tazz will play. Mr. Ray — he asked for "Wayne" — would laugh and wave, but we know these streets, and he's sad most days since Gloria passed away. There's no one here now. Newspapers on the lawns. There's no one on these streets except us pacing through our yawns. We ruled these alleys, and dead ends, from bicycle pegs. Manhunt. GameBoy Advancing from curbs, with a tally of lifes left, wailing excuses like life vests to hurl in the wind. When it rained, we commuted through droplets, and for the world we bought that if you stopped then you got wet. Contacts have split, been lost or decayed. I'm playing my numbers. It's raining page to the cover. How many half-lives still tune into listen? Neighbors refinish for funeral sit-ins. We're all due to revisit. Whose funeral is it? We've grown into strangers playing lawyer, or doctor, and then resume after Christmas. Is it a boy or a daughter? Dated her once. Boy met a girl, left his moves in his pocket. Cold comes and uncurls like the showers, or potholes on Cottage. You don't have to stay for much longer. Mr. Kinnon's washing Chris's toys in the carport. We must be shitty adults, Playing pretend is an indoors affair, clinking empty glasses and again when we let them fill up. Who are we, on these empty aves, to admit we indulge? No one mastered the pattern of sympathy, just counted along from flash of the bulb. Pity's a fashionable fault. I'd rather get lost in the attic, unpacking the vault of pennies and cars, Oxfords, spiderwebbed silky black scarves, to spin stories that shop through the shelves in old bedrooms of friends. Every street sign on Elm has been taken by horror fanatics, or was it the collarless vandals? Incorrigible bastards broken by the same streets we know so well. Bringing in pictures of My Dog Skip for show and tell. Pedal-pushers. Peddle-pushers. We spoke in Braille, feeling out the situation. Eloping failed. You can't leave. We don't know the highways like the back alleys. Time waits for no last rally. Buzzer-beaters uncompleted leave us hunting Jesus through these byways, pitch-black valleys. There's something in the air. It's Jeremy Martin smoking in his parent's garage. Another careless facade. Another street we've walked barefoot to god.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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#2 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,709
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599682 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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gj
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#3 |
Mic Check
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i actually read this. so congrats. middle verse was by far the best. first was a good opener. 3rd was a little weak imo and didn't really wrap things up good enough. excellent vocab and imagery. good story telling. pretty relate-able to alot of peeps i would think. just basically showing the mundaneness of life ( i made that word up for u certain), how comfortable we all get, and bored. and how familiar we all get with our neighbors and the community etc. the more i think about it the more i actually like this, it was really well done. its not something i would ever say is like woaaaah crazy dope but it was a good solid collabro and showed some maturity. i liked it
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My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete. |
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#4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 3,228
Champed - NWL Season 2
- Art of Writing League (5x)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- AOWL Season 6
- AOWL Season 10
Rep Power: 3853347 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Reserving my spot for comment
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VETWORK
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#5 |
WOW
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,591
Battle Record: 29-25
Champed - Writing Challenge League I
Rep Power: 82779338 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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I have to give props to that first verse. very sick. good shit fellas
you guys kept the same vibe throughout and meshed well. I enjoyed
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A.bove T.he R.est
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#6 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
Battle Record: 1-1
Rep Power: 51788022 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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Upping
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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#7 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 160
Rep Power: 2208351 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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I like it.
I read it as if the first verse was from the perspective of children, the second verse adults, and the third elderly. I don't know if that's accurate, but it works. Very nice piece. 9/10
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Soundcloud.com/TheDirtySerpent |
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#8 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899406 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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The last bump.
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