Week 1: Clockwerk vs. WZA \\ Clockwerk wins 10-3

[PancakeBrah]

WZA -

I really disliked the explaining of your point/message before the verse itself. Seems like putting the carriage in front of the horse. Makes the actual reading of the verse a little academic.

Opened fine enough. I didn't like the use of the semi-colon after propaganda; it didn't really make much sense to use in that spot. 'So' defeats its purpose. "We're being slaves" is a really weird way to put that thought. "We're being enslaved" or "We're slaves" makes a lot more sense. I liked the little fortune 500 wordplay. You needed an 'a' or 'the' before 'deluge'.

"there's evidence aplenty,yet our heads are empty,
feel free to correct me.., but that's all in the strategy,"

What?

Trial use antidotes was cool. A 'pin in infinite matter' sounded cool even if I'm not sure what you mean. The ending was sloppy.

Overall this left me a bit wanting. The rhymes and schemes were pretty basic throughout and you kind of shot yourself in the foot approach-wise by stating your intent plainly at the beginning.

Clockwerk -

Opening two lines were solid. Same as the next two. Sets the scene, albeit with nothing grounbreaking rhyme or description wise. The purest waters wording seemed forced just to couch a rhyme in. 'Seat' should be 'sit', probably. 'Make believe palace' is really dry wording. From there on to the end it's all about the same, critique wise.

Overall this story seemed a little rushed and uneven. I could have done without the introduction of the detective; the point of your story is this guy's torment in regards to wanting to fuck his sister so ending on that note kind of shifts away from the point at the end. I felt the 'reveal' of Fiona being his sister was a bit rushed and maybe the wrong route to go as the verse is constructed currently.


This was just okay. I think WZA bit off more than he could chew and while Clockwerk left a lot to be desired as well his verse was a bit more polished and concise through and through.

v/clockwerk