When I inhaled ashes.

[Aesthetic]

http://bestdrumtrainer.com/tt/#20_2_2_0_0_F
I awoke this morning and found my hands were trembling.
With flashing dreams I have trouble remembering.
Dim lights and moving sights, replace the night.
Submarines and political magazines crowd the ocean floor.
Littered with glitter coated morals broken and splintered.
Fur coats and dresses, presses the souls ink.
A space where the gods drink.
Perfume covered halls and contraceptive dolls, preventing women to think.
Guns are tarnished and tattered clothes are garnished as fashion.
A utopia with a passion.
I felt it was off because the cloth felt rampid.
A sudden prefix of desire enclosed my fire.
Like encumbering demons, with sense of dire.
I look blankly at the next human I speak.
"Is it bleak to ask what your doing."
She took time to answer carefully.
And laughed with distaste.
"Your cruel and unnerving, im living and paced."
But what was odd is when she talked it was misplaced.
I feel a sudden urge to tell her she's wrong but she wasn't.
Simple as that, they cant worry about nothing.
I see her off as I return to the surface.
Giving hugs like stokes to a furnace.
But really praying that her life isn't worthless.
I awaken and here I am, no real distraught.
Only a quickened pace of thought.
My hands find solitude in the image I have seen.
A rapture filled with intelligence and powered by kerosene.
Peace it seems can only last until pieces create the scene.
Because nothing will ever be perfect, not until humans feen.
Peculiar to me that lavish lives mean something.
No poverty, no bourgeois.
No tyrant to cause an itch.
A perfect life with a dream of being rich.



(http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rampid) I lol'd

[Vulgar]

I'm gonna break this jawn down. @Aesthetic

I awoke this morning and found my hands were trembling.
With flashing dreams I have trouble remembering.
^I liked this opening.
Dim lights and moving sights, replace the night.
^not sure why they 'replace' the night. Do you mean 'inhabit' or 'characterize'?Submarines and political magazines crowd the ocean floor.
^What kind of submarines? Are they sunken?
Littered with glitter coated morals broken and splintered.
^I didn't like how you didn't rhyme with ocean floor... threw it off for me.
Fur coats and dresses, presses the souls ink.
A space where the gods drink.
^A space where the gods drink is a great concept.
Perfume covered halls and contraceptive dolls, preventing women to think.
^Preventing women from thinking* would be correct English. You could've actually used 'contraceptive dolls' as the rhyming word for the previous line. It would've had a good ring to it if you made it a multi, i.e. contraceptive dolls, smog of Senegal
Guns are tarnished and tattered clothes are garnished as fashion.
A utopia with a passion.
I felt it was off because the cloth felt rampid.
^This third line is one of the worst I've read in a long time.
A sudden prefix of desire enclosed my fire.
Like encumbering demons, with sense of dire.
^second line doesn't make sense. If you can't make it work, simply change the rhyme in the first line.
I look blankly at the next human I speak.
"Is it bleak to ask what your doing."
^No one talks like this.
She took time to answer carefully.
And laughed with distaste.
"Your cruel and unnerving, im living and paced."
^Living and paced doesn't make sense..
But what was odd is when she talked it was misplaced.
^how?
I feel a sudden urge to tell her she's wrong but she wasn't.
Simple as that, they cant worry about nothing.
^ehh
I see her off as I return to the surface.
Giving hugs like stokes to a furnace.
^Nah
But really praying that her life isn't worthless.
I awaken and here I am, no real distraught.
Only a quickened pace of thought.
^Third line is good.
My hands find solitude in the image I have seen.
^I've seen* sounds more natural.
A rapture filled with intelligence and powered by kerosene.
Peace it seems can only last until pieces create the scene.
Because nothing will ever be perfect, not until humans feen.
^fiend*?
Peculiar to me that lavish lives mean something.
No poverty, no bourgeois.
No tyrant to cause an itch.
A perfect life with a dream of being rich.
^Last line wasn't cutting it for me.

If you really are 17, you're good for your age. Work on conveying your point clearly and not biting off more than you can chew. There were some really good one-liners in here but they were shrouded by very mediocre construction. Read and revise more.

Keep doing you

[Aesthetic]

Originally Posted by Vulgar

I'm gonna break this jawn down. @Aesthetic



If you really are 17, you're good for your age. Work on conveying your point clearly and not biting off more than you can chew. There were some really good one-liners in here but they were shrouded by very mediocre construction. Read and revise more.

Keep doing you

Thanks man that was wonderful I appreciate it, very thorough and well thought. Though I will answer your questions im not sure you will respond to. Nonetheless.

not sure why they 'replace' the night. Do you mean 'inhabit' or 'characterize'?

The darkness in the picture, the fog if you will represents the night (in the ocean of course) so I mean inhabit to a degree.

What kind of submarines? Are they sunken?

Some of which are.

^This third line is one of the worst I've read in a long time.

Im not sure you caught this. Im in a utopia of fashion and patriarch's; they have everything they want, except the fact of my situation is that none of it is appealing to me, the cloth's texture and feeling was rather.. unappealing . Im curious as to why its the worst u have read in a long time.

^No one talks like this.

You aren't very good at romanticizing I presume.

^Living and paced doesn't make sense..

Living with pace. Not jumping into things?

^how?

She's not me.

^fiend*?

feen* as in slang for feening.

^Last line wasn't cutting it for me.

Boldy enough said, perhaps u could tell me in particular what needs improvement as I find the last line to be the most important.

Overall this was very much appreciated I thank you yet again for taking the time to give me critique that's well thought. Let me know if u need a breakdown yourself.

But for reference this piece takes place in a dream so most logical assumptions were based on metaphorical intuition like that of a dream. Did my best to correlate the 2 at least.

[PancakeBrah]

Lol @ feeding someone's feed on your piece.

[Aesthetic]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

Lol @ feeding someone's feed on your piece.

Your extremely weird and spiteful. Fucking piglet

he asked questions, I answered

[PancakeBrah]

I'll feed this honestly tomorrow in this post.

No, I get answering questions. But you literally were explaining your verse as a response. That should never happen; verse should explain itself.

[Dope girl]

This was choppy verse, work on some flows, multies, Punchlines, & Complexity, Remeber keep those in mind.

[Aesthetic]

Originally Posted by El Pancake

I'll feed this honestly tomorrow in this post.

No, I get answering questions. But you literally were explaining your verse as a response. That should never happen; verse should explain itself.

Your right, I take it too far sometimes. The verse explaining itself was well fucking put, is actually pretty solid advice 1 way or another. Lookin forward to the peep

[Cereal_Killa]

Massive respect, my friend..

Crazy lines, structure is tight and with this piece the broke rhythm "more than works"


Giving hugs like stokes to a furnace.
But really praying that her life isn't worthless.

That was my fav line.. dude off the chain

here you capture the retrieval of more than just courage..

Thank you for that piece

[Hush]

Originally Posted by QueenHoney

This was choppy verse, work on some flows, multies, Punchlines, & Complexity, Remeber keep those in mind.