SEMIS: (1)dead man vs. (R)Nigma - (DEAD MAN WINS 6-1)

Vulgar · 02-19-2014, 11:46 AM

Black - I wasn't as fond of this one as I usually am of your work. It wasn't as... all enveloping as is custom.

you read Kerouac at 12. Richard Brautigan next
Vonnegut texts at home. a Honda full of Chomsky cassettes
^This part stood out to me because you said 'Vonnegut texts' - didn't like the way you worded that, it read forced to me. Why not just books by Vonnegut? I'm guilty of weird references so I can't talk myself but during a topical verse I'm a little nitpicky towards jagged instances of wording.

The rhyming and pacing was done very well. Maybe a bit on the safe side. You might find this to be a strange comment but I find you try more on your open mics than your topical battle verses. Greater pressure is placed on epic quality in your OM drops vs. in your topicals, the tone tends to be more leisurely and places less emphasis on flashier, riskier conceptual undertakings. It was solid.

Nigmatic - This one was an athletic body. It did, however, lack flexible muscle fibers. The coordination was all off for me. On the plus side, I thought the rhyming in the beginning was really tight. Your rhyme schemes remind me of Beast1333 - I'm sure you've heard of him before, check him out on Youtube. I think you need to work on organization of the subject matter. Lay it all out...but show us the way. Let us see the torches and "project" the main idea more.

Vote - dead man

02-19-2014, 11:46 AM	#15
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Black - I wasn't as fond of this one as I usually am of your work. It wasn't as... all enveloping as is custom. you read Kerouac at 12. Richard Brautigan next Vonnegut texts at home. a Honda full of Chomsky cassettes ^This part stood out to me because you said 'Vonnegut texts' - didn't like the way you worded that, it read forced to me. Why not just books by Vonnegut? I'm guilty of weird references so I can't talk myself but during a topical verse I'm a little nitpicky towards jagged instances of wording. The rhyming and pacing was done very well. Maybe a bit on the safe side. You might find this to be a strange comment but I find you try more on your open mics than your topical battle verses. Greater pressure is placed on epic quality in your OM drops vs. in your topicals, the tone tends to be more leisurely and places less emphasis on flashier, riskier conceptual undertakings. It was solid. Nigmatic - This one was an athletic body. It did, however, lack flexible muscle fibers. The coordination was all off for me. On the plus side, I thought the rhyming in the beginning was really tight. Your rhyme schemes remind me of Beast1333 - I'm sure you've heard of him before, check him out on Youtube. I think you need to work on organization of the subject matter. Lay it all out...but show us the way. Let us see the torches and "project" the main idea more. Vote - dead man