The truth can hurt more than the lies...

zygote · 03-12-2013, 12:24 PM

It was a little disturbing when you stopped doing the rhyme scheme E.g., lines (void - starving - puzzle - one to next) was enjoying the consistency of the rhyme schemes but those lines for some reason you did not keep it. Was the only thing off-putting as a reader, good plot line and some nice descriptions and phrases. Only other thing didn't like was how you ended it with the "I can't" because you have a "on my face." the full stop indicates that is the natural place to pause, so perhaps the next rhyme could have been with face and "I can't" could have been the beginning of the next sentence. Good writing, welcome to the artofbattling.com

03-12-2013, 12:24 PM	#2
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 501 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737828	It was a little disturbing when you stopped doing the rhyme scheme E.g., lines (void - starving - puzzle - one to next) was enjoying the consistency of the rhyme schemes but those lines for some reason you did not keep it. Was the only thing off-putting as a reader, good plot line and some nice descriptions and phrases. Only other thing didn't like was how you ended it with the "I can't" because you have a "on my face." the full stop indicates that is the natural place to pause, so perhaps the next rhyme could have been with face and "I can't" could have been the beginning of the next sentence. Good writing, welcome to the artofbattling.com