Thoughts of rebecca

H4ZE · 02-07-2014, 10:26 AM

This piece is supposed to be the thought thst Rebecca sedwick had before she killed herself. I knew her personally, we lived in the same area. I dont know exactly what she was thinking but I tried my best. Hope you like it

Thoughts of rebecca:
I've been bullied most of my life,being called a whore and a slut
They tell me I should kill my self,I've had more than enough
I've switched schools,it still happens no matter where I'm at
Why am I treated like this? I don't deserve it,is my appearance bad?
They tell me I'm ugly and i'm starting to believe its true
Do you know how hard it is when no one believes in you?
Suicide seems nice,my only relief is pain
God never helps,even when I scream his name
From what I've seen, there really is no way to escape
Home isn't safe,on the internet they hate and they hate
I'm hatin my face,what can I do to finally look pretty
I pile on the make up but I still feel like I look shitty
After the things they've told me the pain ensued
I need out,I can't keep going there's no makin do
I can't take it! Suicides the only way out!
No one cares,do you hear the things that they shout?
I hate life! Death is a much better option than torture
I need an escape,there could be nothing more worse
I need to leave this hell,so I walk till I find my jumping spot
Only tellin one friend,even he can't stop me from jumping off
Just to ready my self I text him "I can't take it,I'm jumping"
Then I leap to my death,after I'm dead maybe they'll love me

Aesthetic · 02-09-2014, 02:58 PM

I know the feeling right before they are gone is hard; your stuck between trying to helping them doing all in your power to not give up and just accepting that it's their choice. I have been on the phone doing my best convincing friends to put the gun down, or rather the knife. Thankfully nobody has ever killed themselves on my watch, including myself. But the moment when they hang up, you can only pray. I enjoyed your song for the sole fact that it's 100%, based on a true story. And was said how you meant it. None of that fake metaphor lyrical shit, just a true story. Not sprinkles on the cake.

It takes about 6 months to get over death. I pray you can do it in half that time.

My first track, Alice; I feel can relate to your lyrics. You should check it out, very pleasant to space out too as well. http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=51757

Exis · 02-10-2014, 08:22 AM

True story, great emotion...your content and how you word it needs work though, flow is choppy... Multies are off...and it's incredibly simple which is fine but if it's this basic you have to have sumthin' that saves it...content, imagery, wordplay, meta's...tbh apart from the emotion I found this extremely bland and borin' which is a shame considerin' the subject manner.

Stay upwards.

Just Write · 02-10-2014, 11:26 AM

First six lines were dope then, like exis said the flow fell off. With this being a close to home piece though i don't think that really matters too much. Just wondering if you were the one she texted. Deaths hard, just went through it myself. Stay up man

H4ZE · 02-10-2014, 08:55 PM

Thanks for the feed guys I really appreciate it.
And @Just Write no I wasnt the guy she texted she texted some.other guy she met over the internet or something. I found that out while reading about her death. Me and her werent to close but we were friends. I moved and we didnt talk much anymore, then I saw in the news that she killed her self.
But anyways, thanks for all of the feed guys.

Natural · 02-11-2014, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by H4ZE

This piece is supposed to be the thought thst Rebecca sedwick had before she killed herself. I knew her personally, we lived in the same area. I dont know exactly what she was thinking but I tried my best. Hope you like it

Thoughts of rebecca:
I've been bullied most of my life,being called a whore and a slut
They tell me I should kill my self,I've had more than enough
GREAT OPENER. You need a space between every "," in this
drop though.

I've switched schools,it still happens no matter where I'm at
Why am I treated like this? I don't deserve it,is my appearance bad?
I thought this was nice, "progressive".

They tell me I'm ugly and i'm starting to believe its true
Do you know how hard it is when no one believes in you?
Nice job connecting the reader here, especially for those
of whom can relate to being bullied...

Suicide seems nice,my only relief is pain
God never helps,even when I scream his name
Good you capture desperation here.

From what I've seen, there really is no way to escape
Home isn't safe,on the internet they hate and they hate
Good idea...bad execution. This could be reworded.

I'm hatin my face,what can I do to finally look pretty
I pile on the make up but I still feel like I look shitty
I feel like this is a step backward, because you already
touched basis on her being insecure about her looks.
In order to progress in the story you must move on, try not to
repeat yourself. If you absolutely must repeat or revisit
a previously touched topic or concept/thought be much more
creative/original when doing it.

After the things they've told me the pain ensued
I need out,I can't keep going there's no makin do
Good.

I can't take it! Suicides the only way out!
No one cares,do you hear the things that they shout?
No, I cannot hear it...thank God
Good bar though.

I hate life! Death is a much better option than torture
I need an escape,there could be nothing more worse
HORRIBLE bar. Than torture/more worse or
Torture/worse does not rhyme.

I need to leave this hell,so I walk till I find my jumping spot
Only tellin one friend,even he can't stop me from jumping off
Solid bar
Just to ready my self I text him "I can't take it,I'm jumping"
Then I leap to my death,after I'm dead maybe they'll love me
Good closer.
FAR FAR better than superdad

H4ZE · 02-11-2014, 08:17 AM

Hah. Thanks for the feed man I really appreciate you all taking your time to give me feed.

02-07-2014, 10:26 AM	#1
H4ZE Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: Florida Posts: 77 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 0	Thoughts of rebecca This piece is supposed to be the thought thst Rebecca sedwick had before she killed herself. I knew her personally, we lived in the same area. I dont know exactly what she was thinking but I tried my best. Hope you like it Thoughts of rebecca: I've been bullied most of my life,being called a whore and a slut They tell me I should kill my self,I've had more than enough I've switched schools,it still happens no matter where I'm at Why am I treated like this? I don't deserve it,is my appearance bad? They tell me I'm ugly and i'm starting to believe its true Do you know how hard it is when no one believes in you? Suicide seems nice,my only relief is pain God never helps,even when I scream his name From what I've seen, there really is no way to escape Home isn't safe,on the internet they hate and they hate I'm hatin my face,what can I do to finally look pretty I pile on the make up but I still feel like I look shitty After the things they've told me the pain ensued I need out,I can't keep going there's no makin do I can't take it! Suicides the only way out! No one cares,do you hear the things that they shout? I hate life! Death is a much better option than torture I need an escape,there could be nothing more worse I need to leave this hell,so I walk till I find my jumping spot Only tellin one friend,even he can't stop me from jumping off Just to ready my self I text him "I can't take it,I'm jumping" Then I leap to my death,after I'm dead maybe they'll love me

02-10-2014, 11:26 AM	#4
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997614	First six lines were dope then, like exis said the flow fell off. With this being a close to home piece though i don't think that really matters too much. Just wondering if you were the one she texted. Deaths hard, just went through it myself. Stay up man __________________

02-09-2014, 02:58 PM	#2
Aesthetic Pimp Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: N/W Posts: 1,069 Battle Record: 1-12 Rep Power: 0	I know the feeling right before they are gone is hard; your stuck between trying to helping them doing all in your power to not give up and just accepting that it's their choice. I have been on the phone doing my best convincing friends to put the gun down, or rather the knife. Thankfully nobody has ever killed themselves on my watch, including myself. But the moment when they hang up, you can only pray. I enjoyed your song for the sole fact that it's 100%, based on a true story. And was said how you meant it. None of that fake metaphor lyrical shit, just a true story. Not sprinkles on the cake. It takes about 6 months to get over death. I pray you can do it in half that time. My first track, Alice; I feel can relate to your lyrics. You should check it out, very pleasant to space out too as well. http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=51757

02-10-2014, 08:22 AM	#3
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	True story, great emotion...your content and how you word it needs work though, flow is choppy... Multies are off...and it's incredibly simple which is fine but if it's this basic you have to have sumthin' that saves it...content, imagery, wordplay, meta's...tbh apart from the emotion I found this extremely bland and borin' which is a shame considerin' the subject manner. Stay upwards.

02-10-2014, 08:55 PM	#5
H4ZE Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: Florida Posts: 77 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 0	Thanks for the feed guys I really appreciate it. And @Just Write no I wasnt the guy she texted she texted some.other guy she met over the internet or something. I found that out while reading about her death. Me and her werent to close but we were friends. I moved and we didnt talk much anymore, then I saw in the news that she killed her self. But anyways, thanks for all of the feed guys.

02-11-2014, 08:17 AM	#7
H4ZE Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: Florida Posts: 77 Battle Record: 1-2 Rep Power: 0	Hah. Thanks for the feed man I really appreciate you all taking your time to give me feed.