Perhaps...

[Certain]

While I still think you're strongest when telling a story, you've improved your mechanics a lot with these short pieces in Open Mic. (I hope to see you in the Art of Writing League's third season, which will kick off in February.)

The good here is that your rhyming has improved, but it still isn't perfect. Your syllables are a little off sometimes, with a few lines that are too long and a few rhymes where the rhymed syllables are slightly off.

I think your metaphors are a bit too mixed and incomplete to really make an effective statement. Also, you twice used incorrect subject/verb agreements that threw me off ("beasts that feeds" and "hearts that bleeds"). There were some good ideas here, though, and if you narrowed your focus a little bit and developed them, you'd have a more fulfilling verse. The ending was good.