the October country

Split · 01-29-2014, 06:05 AM

Cool.

A lot better, in some ways, than the last piece of yours I voted on. The rhyme placement was more natural. Some slick metaphors, outside of the mothers lol. You did a fantastic job of developing thoughts according to your narrator's intuition in response to the mother's dialogue... advanced form of characterization that builds a character's personality from the inside out.

Another strength was the theme that perhaps our eventual belief that our parents do not know what is best for us, is a function of their no longer shielding us from the harsh realities and sublime unfairness of the independent, adult world.

Great interpretation of the topic. Idk if you are shaking off rust, or just hitting a groove, but each drop from the past few weeks has been an improvement over the last.

One suggestion/ negative- you should use commas more, or vary your sentence structure a bit. I thought the first couple sentences of the second 1/2 of your verse were most fluid, and I think it's because the hyphens and short line lengths bring in a natural emphasis on stressed/unstressed syllables in an aesthetic way

01-29-2014, 06:05 AM	#10
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	Cool. A lot better, in some ways, than the last piece of yours I voted on. The rhyme placement was more natural. Some slick metaphors, outside of the mothers lol. You did a fantastic job of developing thoughts according to your narrator's intuition in response to the mother's dialogue... advanced form of characterization that builds a character's personality from the inside out. Another strength was the theme that perhaps our eventual belief that our parents do not know what is best for us, is a function of their no longer shielding us from the harsh realities and sublime unfairness of the independent, adult world. Great interpretation of the topic. Idk if you are shaking off rust, or just hitting a groove, but each drop from the past few weeks has been an improvement over the last. One suggestion/ negative- you should use commas more, or vary your sentence structure a bit. I thought the first couple sentences of the second 1/2 of your verse were most fluid, and I think it's because the hyphens and short line lengths bring in a natural emphasis on stressed/unstressed syllables in an aesthetic way __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com