ROUND TWO: (7)Lars vs. (10)Certain - (LARS WINS 7-1)

dead man · 01-28-2014, 12:41 AM

lars - really enraptured by your verse from the jump because of how clearly you opened. it was easy to follow and you set a great, consistent pace of sequence from line 1. alpha and bet seemed overly obvious in terms of how you could utilize their characters and i wished that more of your central body of work in this focused around them specifically AS characters but i also realized the need to fully flesh out your concept of language evolution. you think you could have better incorporated alpha and bet into this discourse on language development before the time came for one to murder the other, but your point was well received anyway. i think this verse demonstrated your well-oiled and masterful skill set. you have been topical writing for a long time, developed your own voice as an adaptive function of different 'eras' of competitive writing as language develops as new challenges arise. your hunger for victory is the contemporary metaphor for the primordial hunt.

certain - ok. i think you had what was potentially the more intriguing direction. that is, i was more engrossed in your story than i was with baron's because of its unpredictability in contrast. this was a stark advantage you earned yourself from the beginning. it reminded me of voldemort in his weakest form. when he relied on a mortal's body to harness his energy until he could escape into his 'true' form. he also had the same opinion on the average human as your character did, if i recall correctly.

what bugged me most is the lack of 1. context, which could have been overlooked if not for the lack of 2. cohesiveness within the scene. it moved way quicker than i was processing it and i could not fully appreciate the scene for this reason. it was honestly as though you could have fit the entire span of action this verse encompassed in a single stanza and used the rest of your lines to more efficiently detail the situation in which these two characters found themselves together.

this is not to disparage the writing which was phenomenal in spots. i especially enjoyed the electrical stove / infected and mauve image. which was unexpected and visceral all in one.

overall though i really found certain's approach more interesting in contrast to lars' textbook sort of interpretation - there were too many other areas in which lars excelled to not grant him the vote. v/ LARS

thanks guys.

1

01-28-2014, 12:41 AM	#10
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	lars - really enraptured by your verse from the jump because of how clearly you opened. it was easy to follow and you set a great, consistent pace of sequence from line 1. alpha and bet seemed overly obvious in terms of how you could utilize their characters and i wished that more of your central body of work in this focused around them specifically AS characters but i also realized the need to fully flesh out your concept of language evolution. you think you could have better incorporated alpha and bet into this discourse on language development before the time came for one to murder the other, but your point was well received anyway. i think this verse demonstrated your well-oiled and masterful skill set. you have been topical writing for a long time, developed your own voice as an adaptive function of different 'eras' of competitive writing as language develops as new challenges arise. your hunger for victory is the contemporary metaphor for the primordial hunt. certain - ok. i think you had what was potentially the more intriguing direction. that is, i was more engrossed in your story than i was with baron's because of its unpredictability in contrast. this was a stark advantage you earned yourself from the beginning. it reminded me of voldemort in his weakest form. when he relied on a mortal's body to harness his energy until he could escape into his 'true' form. he also had the same opinion on the average human as your character did, if i recall correctly. what bugged me most is the lack of 1. context, which could have been overlooked if not for the lack of 2. cohesiveness within the scene. it moved way quicker than i was processing it and i could not fully appreciate the scene for this reason. it was honestly as though you could have fit the entire span of action this verse encompassed in a single stanza and used the rest of your lines to more efficiently detail the situation in which these two characters found themselves together. this is not to disparage the writing which was phenomenal in spots. i especially enjoyed the electrical stove / infected and mauve image. which was unexpected and visceral all in one. overall though i really found certain's approach more interesting in contrast to lars' textbook sort of interpretation - there were too many other areas in which lars excelled to not grant him the vote. v/ LARS thanks guys. 1 __________________ Zack Wicks for president