ROUND TWO: (3)Vulgar vs. (14)Split Eight - (VULGAR WINS 6-3)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@Vulgar @Split Eight

Verse Deadline: 1/24/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/27/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic
"The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half."
-Feodor Dostoevski

Good luck to both.

[Vulgar]

Clear Conscience, Full Moon


By happenstance, a hapless hand of the mob moved weight
Nobody really knew the kind of money Mahmoud made...
He was destined to crash in the end, like a monsoon's fate

He'd sit up and watch cartoons late, reviewing his clientele
Cutting coke, puffing smoke, paying dues to the Higher Twelve
to get a spot on those ivory seats, reserved like a Kaiser's retreat
The cycle repeats when guilt calls
(He hears a wind turbine grinding while he's trying to sleep)
He'd ride in his company Jeep, transporting drugs instead of carpooling
No wife, no kids, just an alliance to a dark union
Chinese takeout boxes - you know how stakeout cops get
kill a man, earn a stripe, there's always breakout options
Lakehouse auctions - he bought a yacht & the people were glaring
Started poor, now a carnivore spending evenings in Paris
His loyalties lied with the Nostra... an inconceivable marriage
The league of the lair-less, no true home, trees or a terrace
and turning over any new leaf was an errand... torch it.
Life's course was bleaker than morbid. Indeed, it's apparent
Offshore banks safeguarded the most regal of karats
but at the end of the journey,
it's all worthless if the Ocean of Self between it is barren.

Was it too late for reflection? Healing? Unleash the baited tongue
An old man now, his day would come, Corrupt Civilization's Hated Son
Fame and guns became baseless, since being alive was simply a miracle
Solitude was his gin and juice, he'd drink it at intervals
From his bank account he relinquished miniscule... if anything at all.

They say bad karma has a way
of tracking old customers out of the crevices
so when assessing risks
keep in mind roulette exists

In the twilit dockyard, the fog caressed at his face
His chauffeur offered him a ride back to his mansion,
A mansion with view to die for, a deck on the bay
He replied, "No thanks, I think I'll walk the rest of the way."

[Split]

The surgeon thought the park was a shrine.
Among the stones and organic designs
he plodded alone, stopping to groan
while unwinding his gait. He let moonlighting taint
his ever-hard gaze, procedural focus.
Paused to whittle away at the bestial closeness
of those who remained in the wake
of humanity's smoldering opus. Fauna,
and flora, microcosmic diaspora through
the alleys and aves.
University streets.
The walks and relapses of actions that
gradually crept between sleep
and cramming for classes... packed into boxes,
habits and doctrines, that dragged at his feet-
but it was certainly sweet: grasping the document
that encaptured his knowledge. Valedictory speech,
thrown off some caps (he hadn't been that since 2003).
His study of science developed into a studying science.
In the lib, ostensibly silent with
his felt-tip outlining terms and asides,
traipsed back with a wealth of words on rewind.
Home was a house he had left. Passages walked
til he found a thought to follow again.
Like shouts in his head. Mantras mounted like death
and surrounded the bed among baubles, and pens,
water bottles and academic doctoral texts he had read.
The only company he kept was colleagues,
and all these... friends... he met all of three times a year.
So it was folly, he feared, that he pledged his life
to the art of surviving, and felt so far from alive
unless he reclined by the pond... a forgotten city of man
drawn in, silenced in sand, encroached by a miniature
ocean of a nihilist god.

[zygote]

Vulgar, a bit of the tragic anti-hero in the main character, with the fatal character flaw being greed. Enjoyed how the ending tied back into the title/heading. Clear conscience for an elderly man during the twilight/full moon of his life. The character’s sense of regret was captured through the simple dialogue at the end. No frills language contrasting with the earlier excess of his youth. Reverse pacing was good too, how it started off quite hectic and slowed down, kind of keeping pace with the life cycle.

Split eight, that ending was great, powerful language and phrasing. The ocean of a nihilist god, gives some connection with an uncaring and endless universe. The character who dedicated his life to try and assist in some small understanding of parts of the universe, only to realize it does not ultimately matter, the taking solace in a small pleasure was a great human touch too. I really loved this writing and overall theme. This is actually a very difficult vote, partly want to abstain, partly want to coin flip. My favorite contest in a long time stretching back to probably season 1. Would HOF if it was a collaborative effort. Both had similar approaches too, just different characters, two spiritually linked individuals kind of thing who took different paths and were born in different conditions. Going to edge to Vulgar because I liked the added element of the character flaw, but it’s just really really marginal. Voting for Vulgar.

[oats]

Vulgar: The first three lines were a subtle, but great way to build intrigue. It reminded me of the opening scene in Jurassic Park, where the worker gets eaten by the velociraptor. It gives just enough of a glimpse into the unfolding story to give me a distinct feeling moving forward without giving much information up at all. Very crafty, had to highlight that. The end also made use of that subtlety to great effect. To walk off into the fog, very vivid picture to end on. Does death await at his mansion? Or has he truly changed from the drug-running version of himself that got him to where he is now? Roulette exists, but some people do win. The deli***y of your wording was masterful, you kept me at arm's length the whole way while pointing me to details to help me piece the character together. That being said, the story on its face was fairly basic. I was expecting a greater peak into some greater question or insight, but the story seemed to exist only in a microcosm of itself. Nothing wrong with that, just seemed like there was room for more. It was a strong verse all the way through though.


Split: This was like a water brush image. The man of science, after dedicating his life towards understanding life, ends up to a place that he already knew; there's nothing to understand, it just happens and then it stops. And now that he's at his stop, he realizes how lonely it was. No meaningful connections, just accomplishments, and while proud, it was fleeting. This was an excellent character sketch. As with Vulgar's piece, there is almost nothing to critique here.

Vote: This is close as fuck, and I'm having a hard time finding a way to distinguish one from the other. But there's very little. Ultimately, I've gone back and forth on this one, and the only deciding factor is that I had a slight preference for the rhythm in Vulgar's piece. Honestly, this is a coin toss for me, I've re-read both multiple times, still not feeling certain about it. But I gotta vote, and I give the slightest edge to Vulgar. Excellent battle on both parts.

[Lars]

Split: I loved the style, the shorter bar format has always been one of my favourites, I loved that this came full-circle almost in both pieces, Split had quite a punchliney style to his drop that I could also appreciate a lot. 'University Streets' was a dope little idea summed up perfectly in two lines. Thrown off some caps made me laugh, again, there's some subtle humour there to contrast the serious subject matter at hand.

So it was folly, he feared, that he pledged his life
to the art of surviving, and felt so far from alive

That was a dope couplet. All in all a solid verse. Good job.

Vulg: This started off dope, loved the imagery and character development at the beginning, l I felt you could have done so much more to develop him further and flesh it out though. It was a sketch, very brief, felt like you were pressed for time this week and had to get it down quick. I felt a bit like I got sold a Sopranos style ending here with it fading to black and me not really knowing what happened to Tony, you know? I fucking hateeeeeedddddddddddddddd that shit when it happened. I dunno. I've got Vulg with the better story per se, just it felt short and clipped at the ending which was an anti climax for me, Split's was short but sweet with an intellectual bow tied to the end andlittle honey sweets along the way like a Hansel and Gretel trail. Unfortunately for Vulgar, I'm fat. I'm going against the grain here and giving this to Split.

[NYCSPITZ]

Vulgar: Your wording and command of language was on display as usual. I thought it was a cool way to build intrigue, intimating that mahmoud is probably balling but also preceding it by mentioning that he's a hapless hand of the mob. At first i didn't like it but I found a way to make the wording work. I thought a lot of the details seemed to be injected randomly, and didn't add to the story i.e. wind turbine, his retreat to france. Is it a mob that launders money through a wind energy company or something? Kind of vague imo, and unless he lives in France it's hard to believe he just flies into Paris sometimes to chill, maybe you meant that he lived there though, it's unclear. other than that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, some parts were masterfully worded such as:

Offshore banks safeguarded the most regal of karats
but at the end of the journey,
it's all worthless if the Ocean of Self between it is barren.

very very dope weaving of imagery and metaphor here. I thought it was a good way to end, just vague and profound enough to bring up plenty of questions and cause the reader to think on the topic. What I personally took from this is the archetypal pattern of male creative energy, he'd rather walk on his own two feet than get a ride just like he used his creative energy and masculine bursts to create his luxurious lifestyle. You interweave this with the idea that maybe it wasn't all worth it after all while painting your character with a resigned attitude of acceptance. I thought it created a pretty cool an unique character. I will note that I think the economy of language here was great, lots less filler than some of your other works. All in all, good but not your best.

Split Eight: The man who has elevated most topically in recent memory, it's great to see the progress. I've seen a lot of topical pieces throwing around fauna and flora around for some reason lately, I think cake and black just dropped OMs with those words so maybe they influenced you a little here. Loved the laconic style and feel it was dope. Don't know how you can be ostensibly silent in a library, unless you're referring to his inner turmoil (which u prob r 99%) because you paint the picture of a quiet, methodical, focused wonder student who eventually comes to terms with the meaninglessness of life. Dunno ostensibly didn't really work for me there and kinda threw me off a bit. The rest, however, produced a clear characterization and you ended beautifully. The great achievement here is that you produce a man who is on the side of science but the sketch is profoundly spiritual. He's either atheist or taking a more Star Wars view of the force - there's a god but free will allows you to make anything of your life, there's no clear morality to existence except what u make of it. I don't know I've read both 2x already, not sure. I'm with oats it's close. Both are convincing character sketches with complex undertones interlaced with the major theme. I've switched between both several times in my mind, but I'm a man and I must come to a definitive conclusion. Going with my gut here and giving vulgar the slight edge. Thanks for the battle guys, really the toughest vote I've made in recent memory to be real.

[Nigma]

With an open topic like this and the creative mind of writers I was excited to see where both of you would take this. Was not let down.

Vulgar writing on a reminiscent mobster.. Yes please. Split Nine, I haven't haven't read anything from you so long that I really didn't want to expect, however from the growth you've undergone it's clear that you are no longer the Sharp Eight I've forgetten anyways. I feel you implemented actual fragments of your past in this, the schooling parts felt like you were pulling events from the past rather then making them up. Iunno though, I have to leave for work like 5 mins ago and am sitting here at a loss of who to vote for. As far as relation to the topic neither really ran away with it, two stellar verses, I guess I related more with Vulgars verse, with the character confliction, and with the character he created overall. This is just a rushed rambled vote and you both deserve something more well thought out so sry, but yeah, yeah. Yeah.

+1 Vulgar

[Eŋg]

erik - well it's rare i see you put your ostensible obscurity on the backseat. your work became instantly more accessible. this was a streamline, almost rationed, Vulgar:

Chinese takeout boxes - you know how stakeout cops get
kill a man, earn a stripe, there's always breakout options
Lakehouse auctions - he bought a yacht & the people were glaring

dope. i loved the parenthetical expression, before it, in part because it reminded me of me. sorry? i think i would take pedantic issue with some of the wording, mainly in the last stanza but fuck all that. a very good verse, its character development was something of a whirlwind. left a lasting impression. the intro set up an intrigue, in the main meat of the verse you did a lot to tell your story, to tell of us the character. a bit too quickly? with your ability i would have expected more of a nuanced progression. maybe. definitely some interesting rhetoric embedded in the latter half of the verse. i feel you wrapped it up a bit haphazardly. but i liked it. i liked the overall moral, the nod homeward to the topic, and title. solidus.

splitty - you utilized enjambment in a slightly perplexing way. as in, normally i can see why it's used. i know why i use it. sometimes with you i wasn't sure. seemed almost arbitrary. may have missed something (ok i re-read it and basically your rhyme placement is not obvious. that's pretty cool bro). has a similar feeling about your comment in parenthesis. i felt this piece sort of outlined the futile, hollowness, to an auto-didactic life. kind of hopeless, really. and to that end -- you forged a convincingly solid piece here. the language was at times wispy, other times poised, colouring a larger conceptual cohesion. the exposition here was your strength. i think. i didn't have this that close on first reading. subsequently i have it at a virtual tie. yours took more than a few looks to appreciate.

i have this feeling neither came with a fully concerted effort. but both still put down quality verses. weird. ok so i forgot that i hadn't voted on this. uhm. i give split the edge for a slightly more interesting piece but the edge was no thicker than a single atom. could have swayed either way on a whim.

[Pent uP]

Vulg -- This was a more focused verse from you. Not in terms of your focus but the meat of the verse was more direct than I've seen you lately. Took me by surprise really. Some fantastic imagery across the verse, I liked the break out options couplet a lot. The most powerful aspect of this verse was how subtle you made the connection between his beginning and end. In the beginning he had nothing and in the end he had everything but was so bent on being a hidden figure he lived like he had nothing. He had a mansion and chauffeur and money but the house was just an empty box to him - no wife nothing to come home to. The car got him places but he didnt even like to use it - walks home. He has all the money but is frugal. The underlying message of all for naught with your attention to detail was stellar.

Split -- I had a hard time finding your flow at the end, but I liked the ending a lot. The picture I'm left with was full circle but that's both good and bad in this case. I felt like a lot of this verse hinged on your basic concept and you overused the crutch causing the verse to have a redundant feel even though it moved. I found the imagery to make the piece stagnant while the characterization moved this piece. Dont get me wrong - it was well worded I just didnt like the pacing. What you did with the characterization was great - it came full circle and the science of studying line was a dope flip.

Overall - I liked this battle a bit, what ended up deciding this battle for me is that Split's verse felt more stagnant than Vulgars. There was more depth behind Vulgars verse and thats why I

vote- Vulg

[Certain]

Vulgar: This story reminded me of something that would have fit well on Liquid Swords. The whole theme of solitude and greed and how they are intertwined was nice. What did he do it all for? For that walk by himself on a foggy night? Your images were deliberately non-specific, which allowed for broader brushstrokes. There were a few too many clichés, though, like the evenings in Paris, which didn't really seem like something this character would care for. Also, monsoons don't crash, tsunamis do. The rhymes were strong but occasionally a little forced. I prefer your more abstract writing style, but this worked to create a character, and I liked the ending.

Split Eight: This was a very direct combination of your surroundings and the topic. I never fully dug into it. I think your style works better for telling a loose story than simply developing a character, and I'm not a big fan of straightforward character sketches anyway. Here, the poetic phrasing never felt fully comfortable and engaged. And I didn't think the ending completely landed, particularly because exposition has never been your strong point, so you end on this weird note that never felt completely related to the story. I also struggled to capture a solid cadence here, though the rhymes were fine. This verse was OK, but you've been much better than this recently.

Vote: Vulgar

[dead man]

vulgarity - it is noted how you toned down your more erratic stream of consciousness for this round in favor of a more focused topical approach. you are clearly able to thrive in any method you choose, and this was no different. karma and conscience as a centerpiece here for an elderly man of shadow. you spend your entire life cashing in on the misfortune of others, there are bound to be internal conflicts that hollywood has both glossed over and glorified in classic and contemporary anti-hero cinema. your concept is golden and your writing is great as always. you have personality and charming charisma in your rhyming. its very vintage vulgar at this point. i think you could have used more weapons that we all know exist in your arsenal to create a fuller, more experiential photograph of this man and his life of crime, but it seemed as though your intention was that of a glimpse through the keyhole. it felt like a summary, which is not necessarily a complaint, but at this stage of competition, it is a risky maneuver for an audience that expects a very developed level of work especially from a competitor of your calibre. i am sold on your overall execution but a tad disappointed with the pace and scope of the character you have dubbed Mahmoud.

split 8ths - still, i am convinced you are the up and coming. already one of my favorites to read and this work was packed with lines that exemplified what i enjoy in your writing.

His study of science developed into a studying science.

i will be mulling this over for a while.

Home was a house he had left. Passages walked
til he found a thought to follow again.
Like shouts in his head. Mantras mounted like death

sharp.

you are forging your own voice and have the ability to compress so much into such tiny slice of language. it is a mark of one who creatively writes effectively. spectacular insight into the academics' search beyond academia. there is only so much to be learned from scholarly articles. many famous academics stress the importance of introspection over observation for tho exact reason. an entire field of philosophical thought revolves around the problem of natural science for similar reasoning. but i am getting ahead of myself.

you paint a great picture here. word choice was image heavy and unexpected. it felt very dancakish in spots but i think we all influence eachother enough here in our little oasis to justify those overlaps.

i think your turning point came here:

So it was folly, he feared, that he pledged his life
to the art of surviving, and felt so far from alive

from the viewpoint of a surgeon in the midst of an existential crisis of sorts, this was conceptually superb. and i mean that.. i would venture so far as to say, from my perspective, this couplet alone secured your victory.

this was another match in which there is OBVIOUSLY no clear cut winner or loser. simply individual preference among voters and countless other variables which determine the outcome. this battle could swing either way depending on the time of day in which it is experienced. however, at this very moment, i could not forgive myself for voting against what is (in my opinion) one of split's strongest verses ever submitted.

v/ SPLIT

thanks to you both. and good luck.




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