-THE WINTER TOPICAL SECOND ROUND MAGAZINE-

[PancakeBrah]

A HIPSTER’S GUIDE TO PREDICTING THE SUPERBOWL
Not that I care.

As a hipster it’s my job to have an opinion on everything, whether I know what I’m talking about or not. And that opinion must be diametrically opposed to the general consensus UNLESS having the same opinion as the general consensus is MORE ironic than disagreeing and I’m agreeing but for a different, more smarter, reason. My initial reaction is to dislike the SuperBowl completely and instead write a blog post about the over-commercialization and capitalism that’s taken over America, symbolized by the most watched televised event of the year. That was the proto-Hipster route to take. Instead I will watch, only I’ll be studying what each snap means in regards to the current political climate and race relations within our mid-tier superpower of a country. Prior to that I must pick a side because, again, hipster. It’s critical that I’m correct; if I’m not I won’t speak about it again and will think about my mistake while listening to Animal Collective for the following three weeks. This is to help my fellow hipsters, if any, pick the right side. We’ll be ignoring stats and likelihoods of winning; the stat hipsters are a bit stale. Instead we will pick the team most aligned with our hipster ideals.

Seattle Seahawks
On the surface, Seattle is the obvious pick. Seattle, and the Pacific Northwest, is the Mecca for our personality type. This is due to being tucked away and ignored by the East Coast and California. This imbued inferiority instills the PNW with a natural inferiority complex which lends itself perfectly to the hipster persona. It’s not a clear cut choice, though, as we will soon see.

The City of Seattle: POSITIVES: See Exhibit A. Known for coffee. Purposefully weird. Constant rain creates the perfect mood for listening to The Smiths. Large underground music scene. The 12th Man idea agrees with our socialist principles. The space needle is the most hipster building this side of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Fish markets are the most hipster of food markets. CONS: Everyone knows it’s a hipster city now, which is uncool. Macklemore. Cost of living is rising, and money is the death of love.

EXHIBIT A:


Russell Wilson: PROS: 3rd round pick, every completion he throws is a strike against Big Draft. Of ambiguous racial composition. Is short; defies the stereotype of the ‘traditional’ quarterback. Went to multiple colleges. Does charity work with a slight humblebrag. CONS: Does interviews and smiles. Has a white girlfriend and white people are inherently ‘the man’. Played baseball.

Marshawn Lynch: PROS: Eats skittles after touchdowns. CONS: He is the exact opposite human being of a hipster.

Pete Carrol: PROS: Looks like Owen Wilson who is cool with the hipsters. Coaches an NFL team like it’s college; calls it a program. Good troll tactics. Has beef with Jim Harbaugh who looks like he would not understand the hipster. CONS: Shows emotion. Way too happy all the time. Looks like he enjoys listening to Billy Joel.

Richard Sherman: PROS: See Exhibit B. Ultimate troll; trolls align closely with hipsters. Late round draft pick (see Russell Wilson). Takes illegal drugs without regard to the rules against them. Went to Stanford. Dreadlocks. CONS: Made a beats by dre headphone commercial. Commercials are evil by nature. Used the ‘umadbro’ saying six months after it was passé.

EXHIBIT B:


OVERALL HIPSTER RATING: 7.6/10
-Strong City, QB, and CB hipstering.
-Head Coach and star RB strong anti-hipstering.

Denver Broncos
The underdog. The non-Pacific Northwest City with clean cut Peyton Manning against Seattle? On paper it looks like a blowout. But let’s take a closer look…

The City of Denver: PROS: LEGALIZED MARIJUANA. Naturally beautiful city, nature is God’s (if he existed) most hipster thing. Legalized marijuana. Snowy mountains are perfect for a weekend away in the Winnebago listening to Bon Iver. NEUTRAL: Makes a lot of beer but not Pabst Blue Ribbon. Also responsible for Coors. CONS: Very white (see Russell Wilson). Intrinsically less hipster by location than Seattle.

Peyton Manning: PROS: Peyton with an ‘a’ is kind of a hipster name. Expected to lose when it matters. Trolled Tom Brady. CONS: The white version of Marshawn Lynch in terms of being hipster. Try hard tendencies. Makes tons of commercials. Older brothers are by nature not hipster. OLD.

Demaryius Thomas: PROS: Second best wide receiver from Georgia Tech; being second best is very hipster. CONS: Athletic.

Wes Welker: PROS: See Exhibit A. White wide receiver is the most hipster thing in the NFL next to black punter. Very short for his position, the underdog. Used passive aggressive speech to make fun of Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. Often has a beard, but not unkempt enough for true hipster status. Defected from New England, the anti-hipster NFL team. CONS: White. Tries too hard.

EXHIBIT A:


John Fox: PROS: N/A CONS: Everything.

Von Miller: PROS: MAXIMUM HIPSTER. See Exhibit B. Name is Von. Wears dark brimmed glasses simply for aesthetic purposes. Went to Texas A&M which is by nature hipster due to Texas’s existence. Rampant use of illegal drugs. Is great when he tries but something always makes him not play. Stuck in the shadow of J.J. Watt (white). CONS: None.

Exhibit B:


OVERALL HIPSTER RATING: 7.8/10
-VON MILLER
-Strong City and white WR hipstering.
-QB, Coach, and black WR strong anti-hipstering

There it is, folks. Everything you need to know about the Super Bowl and the answer to which pick is more hipster. Denver is the winner, so we will be going with the Seattle Seahawks. Get your skinny jeans and over-inflated sense of worth ready, Seattle, you’re going to title town!