ROUND ONE: (4)Frank vs. (R)Nigma - (NIGMA WINS 5-4)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@Frank @Nigma

Topic


Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Nigma]

I was spawned inside a nasty cunt with balls the size of apricots
Was a toddler when my father died, been gone since I was half a month
Raised myself on God’s advice with solemn psalms and black chalk
In my teen years I was always high, chopped ganja, lines, a scarred past
I’d get OC free from doctors for so long they made their mark last
But in deep I know the only thing that coke increased, my bar tabs
The drips it leaves behind combined with no sleep equals garbage
Still I’d grown a seasoned toker, I was smoking trees like tarzan
A broken breed of art came with older days of bowls and haze
I’d write to drain my soul of pain, I’d pull it through my swollen veins
When thrown on pages, load the net and post it till the poets praise it
Only way to go on sanely, penning parts while heavy hearted
And set on the target I’m deadly, a marksmen
Draining the fluid while emptying cartridges
Mugged and then cradled it, fed to my arms
A dissection of morales so dark and decayed
This a part of me, barred in the start of my day
In my heart it remains such a party of flavors
What seems hardly a taste has me partly awake
And my arms and feet shaking, heartbeat is racing
In a harlequin state till I sever this bondage
I'm the same as you pretend to be, but energies darker
I contain it, but it’s besting me, my senses are sharpened
Since the days are fading, never seen, my heads in the coffin
Already dead but part of me is setting out onward
Because pain grows exponentially when exits an option

[Frank]

Jade typed craiglist.org into the search engine.
Her purse sitting next to the keyboard
She was redirected. She hit insert.
The screen reflected. Her face all done up;
An absurd expression of nervous tension - A nervous wreck
She typed her password
S* – E* –X* – I* 74*
Fingers slender and scarred, she stroked the keys turning letters to stars
Her inbox overflowing with messages; she checked them off
With X’s
And then she sent them all a yes with hearts
Ready to part with her virginity for a financial suitor
Rumors flew round’ the school “Jades triangle been through the Bermuda…”
Her mother threw her out of the house.
Said goodbye to an intruder.
Jade puked her guts out sliming the petunias.
Staring hours on end into the shrine of her computer.
Price on her peculiars,
She’s a bonafied loser,
She’s a dime, would you do her?
Hit reply and pursue her
3.7 million – sold! To this guy from St. Lucia

***

He states his name in a bumbling stupor - Cooper… Sullivan Cooper.
He chuckles unraveling a rubber-banded bundle of loot like some scuffling schmoozer.
Sliding airport security each hundreds, tucked – into their shirts in a cunning maneuver
16 year old Girl smuggled from Cuba. Taxi waiting. Another hundred. “Keep the meter running”
“Hey Sucia!” Cooper says to Jesús with befuddling humor
The muffler rumbles under her seat vibrates with a subtle pummeling
“Sucia! Hold your head down!” While Shadow engulfs them from a tunnel
A trooper flashes the sirens which appeared triumphantly bluer
He knocks on the glass and asks Jesús – “Who’s this couple of boozers..?”
Jesús says “This is Mr. And Ms. Cooper…… Honeymooners.”
....This motherfucker was smoother than a babies-bottom nuzzled in hooters...
“Oh yeah…….? The speed limits 35. And you were doing double” -
A couple of scooters, kids whizzing by ruffled his feathers, rustling; the bustle of bloopers
Cooper leaned for his wallet. The cop juggled his deuce-deuce and fumbled his nuker

He had one shot to wooer; screw her, her body; supple; nuder
He palmed a jugful of her beautiful bosom; she grabs his junk and unbuckles the abuser
Cooper guzzles lustful repugnant mumbling lewder
A tubful of cum inside a back seat of a taxi while the jungle croons -
A cougar snuggled in a putrid bubble puzzled and neutered
Huddled next to the wrongdoer - snuffling with her seducer - struggling, shrewder
Reluctant to move, under a tonnage of spew - the lungful of roosters
The hum of a cruiser, the scent of fungal and tuna - the prenuptial future
Cooper tattoos her in a puddle as the police man stumbles to regroup…
Through a funnel she’s cuter - 40 years his junior; lips suckle and hoover
The hustle pursuer - disgruntled inducer asks the girl how she feels –
Crumbled she muzzles “Super” as his stubble harpooners
The officer muscles Cooper, while they’re tussling - Jade pumps the ruger
Into her accuser

Trouble Shooter

[uh-oh]

NIGMA, from the beginning this was a tutorial in forced rhymes. its better to not even try to rhyme more than one syllable than to force me to mispronounce words to make it seem like more than one syllable rhymes, also the 4th line diverts the scheme down a different path. i dont know you but that isnt good mechanics BRO. smoking trees like tarzan lol cmonson. why wouldnt you say hitting? tarzan hit trees swinging from vines. he never smoked/lit them on fire.

but yo as i read more, its almost like when i force the lines to rhyme im taking on an accent, which leads me to believe you are british or something so i won't hold the forced stuff against you since it probably rhymes with you inflection. ok after reading it i thought it was cool. its a druggy who's a writer who helps his insanity out by writing and stuff its cool i dig the angle. you had good flow in places and know how to rhyme i think alot of it is just your accent like i said earlier. WASNT WOWED but this was cool.

FRANK

took me a few lines but the flow was on pretty solid. you lost me again tho with the police and i feel you shouldve dropped the scheme instead of sloppily trying to hold onto it. now in the last little piece you are keeping it going tho.

yea this sucked man

i didnt like it you tried holding onto a scheme and just sucked. you did it to the point where i dont even know what happened. were they fucking in front of the cop? it started out with a girl selling her virginity, she gets there and they get pulled over, and then a cop drops his "nuker" then they're fucking and somehow towards the end the cop is there again and someone gets shot at the end after a bunch of made up words to keep the scheme going.

i didnt like nigmas verse very much, but i dont like franks at all. you tried to hard if you wouldve kept it simple you couldve easily won this in my opinion. the second half felt rough and forced and seeing as you posted last night i think its a safe assumption to make that you rushed this. so props for posting

sorry if i came off like an ass in this vote but im just trying to keep it 100 with how i perceived them

vote-nigma

[Wise Wiggles]

Yo this is my take on this. Nigma hit us with a crash course on being "strung out" so to speak. Flowed very well, fluent for me. Felt that half a month line. Deep. Used the pic as sort of a literal meaning for his piece. It was cool. The drip line was clever. And also true lol. It was a very quant approach. I enjoyed. Buuuuutt with that said. I thoroughly got a huge kick out of Franks little mini escapade in to world of virgin whoredom. I for one thought keeping the same scheme was impressive and entertaining to see what he came up with next. The baby bottom line was hilarious. Also the ad she puts up had me rofl'ing.! Iunno man I'm in hard spot cuz I liked both verses I think I just gotta give it to Frank for probably one of the most creative and energetic verses of the round. Good battles fellas. Gotta go with what feels right tho.

[Split]

Frank.


Your story was outshined by your atrocious scheme. I think I've mentioned before that sometimes it works wonderfully to your advantage (Red Glare superman boy verse) and sometimes it effs you in the avy with a slimy AIDS dick. Get tested.

Nuker. Abuser. Nuder. Stubble harpooner (actually lol'd that was a good one)

Your story is also a little wtf. Girl sells herself to man in St. Lucia. Gets called dirty like its her name. Selling her virgjnity for cash but actually is selling herself into slavery for drugs?

But actually was apparently was a cop? She pumps a Ruger into him after she sucked him off/ as the cops arrest him??? Wtf.

This not only invalidates all the empathy i felt for her, but also like... ruins the story.

"Trouble shooter" IMO is a weak, weak connection to the topic... doesn't really embody it, just a passing connection that is forced in at the end

It was a shitty topic. But still. You're a better writer than this



Enigma.


Kinda cool take how you are siphoning the life out of yourself into the computer screen. not horrible for the "Netcees Truu Life Story" category of verses. The mechanics and rhymes were meh. I didn't empathize super hard with your character, lol weed addict. 1st world problems.

Also a lot of forced figurative language. Black chalk. K. Started off like a shitty flex. Yea.



Verdict.


Both of you guys are infinitely better than these verses. No show verse vs. No show verse. It was like all the adults fed their children shots before the 4th grade play, and then we ask Broadway to come review it on THAT night.

I'm gonna vote NIGMA because I enjoyed his use of language more.

[big baby]

I really dislike this storytelling with content only being based on the chronological timepiece of events transpiring as they go on, rather than exercising a caution to remain open minded and touch of most elements you can, which is to entertain the reader, connect puzzles, and make a link so real that your mind can recreate it without the hassle of some dismissive text. Frank started with a narrative piece, I've read three pieces from Frank and they follow the same template, not to say, it isn't good, because obviously he has won things with this style, and it is energizing in some way, but I feel like a repetitive author churning out the same works. Not his mechanics, which are serrated down, nor the way he structures a stanza, just the way he goes about things, in the AOWL, frank used a odd way of approaching, but I felt his skillset needed more sharpening to approach such a vast topic he was recreating. He talked of grandiose tasks through a psychological behavior, and some other hoolahoo. It was cool, but I feel he underestimated his ability to perform what he was thinking, rather than what he's allowed to create with his creativity. This was the opposite here, where he played to his strength, and let his own work speak for itself, in itself. This reminded me of Wise Ways when he's being weird with his vocabulary, and though playfully playing with schematics, he transfers a monotone subject matter (which I hope he snaps out of) and this completely turned me off, and showed almost a sense of laziness, to which i'm almost embarrassed to describe as something lesser, everything up , and after this point was good, but this was just ridiculous in it's wording, the way it set-up following lines, and the overall image you had, and not to mention the weird relation to the picture. You filtered off topic, and started talking about a altercation at a traffic stop, which was tied into the rest of the story, decently, at best.

"A trooper flashes the sirens which appeared triumphantly bluer
He knocks on the glass and asks Jesús – “Who’s this couple of boozers..?”
Jesús says “This is Mr. And Ms. Cooper…… Honeymooners.”
....This motherfucker was smoother than a babies-bottom nuzzled in hooters...
“Oh yeah…….? The speed limits 35. And you were doing double” -
A couple of scooters, kids whizzing by ruffled his feathers, rustling; the bustle of bloopers
Cooper leaned for his wallet. The cop juggled his deuce-deuce and fumbled his nuker "

bustle of bloopers, nuzzled in hooters. Fumbled his nuker.

Was this supposed to be comedy? It was horrible wording, and you know it.



That's what it reminded me of. The topic was linear in fashion, but it sort of drifted off into the denizens. I've no idea what the hell. The scheme was odd. And I just read other voters commentary, right now, and I see splits commentary has the same exact ideology as I do, which I'm glad because I've no idea. Stubble harpooner, is this referring to the fact of the stubble digging into her skin during coitus? Or....if that's the case, you can word this so much better. Or maybe you can't..- That's the thing. This hurt you horribly, and your mechanics suffered intensely here. I mean it - intensely. I think it's sort of odd. I've never really been impressed then so easily unimpressed in one fell swoop, reading a piece. You mechanics proved to be an irreversible tangent that ended up being detrimental due to your overall lack of depth.


Nigma, easy calm verse. Struddled off topic for a bit, but regained ground with a few lined up overall schemes. The wording wasn't as crisp as I'd like it to be, but it seemed like a pretty quick scripted verse, the storyline was edgy, original, yet fuzzy. The mechanics were the same, and nothing ever impressed me solely from you. The way you wound together conduit to get the wattage going on in your text was cool, and I appreciate your actual showing. For the task at hand, you provided an insight on a manner, and a cliche picture that actually probably ended up being one of the weakest battles for the first round (imo) fortunately enough, you sort of broke through an invisible barrier holding back both opponents this match, but still were bothered by the initial impact of the state of confusion this entire thread left me in, but a very humble and worrysome vote cast headed your way. Your story wasnt as thought out as franks, though franks was thought out almost too much, and stretched way too far, and if either of you went to a director and presented this as a screenplay I think they'd probably reject both because it was so off the wall, I feel almost drunk reading this. I'm maybe exaggerating, nigma's verse wasn't as dizzy as his opponents, but I chose you for one of the best writings in 2013, so I know your true worth. Thanks for the battle guys. I enjoyed it,

[PancakeBrah]

Nigma-

First three lines were fucking great. Very matter of fact, strong opening, good writer's voice. Lost lost steam on the 'scarred past' line. Also did not think your fifth line was too good, but your sixth was. I liked this

"The drips it leaves behind combined with no sleep equals garbage
Still I’d grown a seasoned toker"

but I didn't like this "I was smoking trees like tarzan". You had this assonance thing going with the section I liked and lost it with the tarzan. The next two lines were good, though. The next line was a self contained rhyme, but the comma between pages and load the net doesn't make that sentence work. I still liked the content. Middle got a little cliche. "I'm the same as you pretend to be, but energies darker" is were it picked back up. Cool line. "Already dead but part of me is setting out onward
Because pain grows exponentially when exits an option" ending was cool, your penultimate line was better than the ender.

Overall, you have a penchant for leaving out a word after a comma thinking the comma will disguise it but it doesn't. My opinion. As for an overarching theme I think you went a pretty standard route but your writing was interesting. This was a content and technically based verse as opposed to a conceptual verse. Seems you wrote more about addiction/drugs in general than tangentially closed in on the picture as you went on. I don't think the main take-away from the verse is the topic but you definitely related to it. The middle lost me a bit, in terms of interest. Started and ended well. Nothing that blew me away, but sturdy enough.

Frank-

This was below you. The rhymes and flow were really strong throughout, and that's all you had. You barely related to the topic and the storyline was secondary to the mechanics of your verse. I read your verse multiple times just to get a bead on it but in my mind it's still just a menagerie of 'ooters'. You sacrificed content for your obsession with keeping a scheme and you shot yourself in the foot. Your strengths, characterization and environment creation, were there but they were lessened by your more-than-usual-even-for-you reliance on the rhyme. Weird piece from you.

Nigma's verse wasn't perfect but he was coherent and adherent to the topic. Frank tried too hard for his own good, losing sight of coherency for his own preconceptions of topical writing.

v/Nigma.

[Mr. J]

This was a nice battle I am unfamiliar with Nigma tbh
but he delivered a stellar verse especially for how short it was
the vibe coming from the piece shined through the pic
and the flow had its bumps but then again who doesn't when writing quickly
regardless I felt he dropped an interesting verse to a different topic

Franky what can I say about your ability to write that hasn't been said
you do impress when the time is right and you bring a different flow each time
sometimes playing it safe or going off on a tangent
delivering quite the show this starter though
I feel like once you find your stride it all falls into place
you seem to bring a flawless aspect at a moment notice
the. it just molds together better than one would expect
I am intrigued to see what else you can do...

sorry I have to make this quick
but I feel Frank just delivered a better verse
Nigma knew what he wAs doing but didn't finish the execution
great battle regardless

[Certain]

Nigma: This was awkward. I mean, the first line kind of was supposed to be, but really as a whole this verse was jarring. There were a lot of clunky rhymes, whether they were forced with bad diction or the syllable counts were off or the slant was too strong. That's a bad first step with a style so heavily devoted to rhyme. You seemed like you started to write this without much of a plan for the structure and content because the transition into netceeing was abrupt and didn't really add up from the earlier stuff. The dramatic flow shift in the middle of the verse sort of came out of nowhere. The best way I can describe the experience of reading this verse is "uncomfortable," which simply isn't representative of your better writing. The entire conceit of the verse was mired in cliché, which is strange because you often have very original content.

Frank: On one hand, it's pretty amazing you stretched that rhyme out for that long. I mean, if the words didn't matter outside of the rhyming context, this verse would have been unbelievable. The flow was slippery as hell, and the use of that one rhyme in that many instances is something not many people could pull off while still telling some semblance of a story. But so many of the rhymes were so forced that this was just a really awkward verse. There were flashes that seemed like Kool G Rap in text form, but we have higher standards for diction because there's nothing but words on the screen. The framework for the story was actually pretty cool. The first stanza worked. The second stanza is where the rhymes started to overpower, and by the third it came across as being more about the rhymes than anything else. They really cut into the character and plot development here in a way that's uncharacteristic for you. Still, I found myself enjoying your verse, even if largely for the cadence, more than Nigma's.

Vote: Frank

These might be the worst verses I've read by either of you. You're both legitimate threats to win this thing, so I hope whoever comes out of this scrapheap alive puts more time and effort into future verses.

[CopyPat]

jeez another close one. Nigma, when i read uf first 2 lines i was like ohhhh shit this is gonna be sick. cause u ALWAYS have crazy schemes and multis. and then it just got jumbled and forced as fuck, i was really surprised by that. it had some good parts, it clearly wasn't your best work. my main feeling right now is suprise and shock. im stunned that it feels like u barely tried on this, especially up against someone as good as frank. even the length of ur verse was surprising. usually you have these huuuuge pieces, and u always write to pics so yeah this was well under my expectations of what u were going to bring to the table. ur last line was a good ender, and there were some others sprinkled throughout.

Frank. first paragraph was awesome. really took a cool approach to the topic, girl addicted to her online computer persona. nig kindof had the same idea but urs was more original i feel, and also had better imagery. great opener. middle paragraph was ok. still kept the story going, some of the rhymes were forced to keep the scheme, which didn't seem to make sense compared to the first which was so fluid and unique.
3rd paragraph u really fell off the rails. holding the scheme that long was completely unnecessary. i understand the wanting to use the trouble shooter at the end, as that related to computer issues as well etc. but you could have reused that scheme at the very end to make it work instead of forcing the piss out of it for 2/5 of the verse. also the story took a weird turn like i didn't really know what was going on. u made it seem like the cop fumbled his gun for like an hour so dude could rape her hahahaha. the very end where she ends up killing him tied it up at least though.

THis is a tough one again. strange actually. 2 strong writers that faltered. if you both faced "underdogs" here, instead of eachother, you could have easily both been out. luckily for u guys one will go through on a sub par performance, the exact opposite of what im sure we all thought shit one will be out and they will both be awesome.

Frank your last paragraph almost single-handedly lost this battle for u. it almost would have been better without it. of course u needed an ending but it was just weird to see u do what u did with it. Nig, to be honest felt like u wrote this in 5 mins bro. all things being equal i have to give the edge to Frankenstein because i feel like he put more effort in his piece as a whole, and had a slightly better idea to begin with. the execution of both wasn't great on this one, but frank did a bit more with it.. like i said almost too much, but certainly did more than nigma. close one.

VOTE: Neck Bolts

[Certain]

Votes? @Pancake's initial statement was the next vote would win.

[Witty]

This is going to be a short one, forgive me.

Nigma - This was a cool verse, not your best but it was a nice read, my main problem is some of the forced rhymes, there were a couple of instances when I just couldn't find the rhyme at all, the line ending with garbage being the main one. That was really the only disappointment in your piece, after that it picked up tho and I really like the run you went on from there to the end of the verse, you wrote it well I have to agree that I have seen you write a lot better in the past. The saving grace of your piece was the narrative, it was easy to follow and well crafted. Cool read, not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I have seen you do better so I believe it is beneath your normal standard.

Frank - I think you rushed this verse, that is really the only explanation I have because it started of so well, but as I got further in to the piece the story started to make less and less sense. Was he having sex with the girl while the cop was there? I just don't really understand what was happening in the last paragraph.... I followed it from the first up until the second but the third just lost me completely. You wrote it well and the rhyming was impressive, and I guess I can see the connection to the topic, tho vague...but the way you ended just didn't make sense, and that's why I think you may have rushed the piece, you can definitely do better.

Voting for Nigma

[Nigma]

We always seem to have back and forth battles, very close one. Coulda gone either way

[Mike Wrecka]

Quicki e tablet vote sorry


Nigma good verse. Felt short iono why. Good flow. Didn't like how it connected to topic



Frank. Sick flow. Better angle on the topic. Interesting story.



I got frank

[Nigma]

NO FUCK OFF IT WAS NEXT VOTE WINS YOUR 7 WORD BREAKDOWN IS NOT WELCOME HERE

[Certain]

I'm going to let @Pancake decide, but to my understanding, this should be over as Nigma's victory.

[Mike Wrecka]

Originally Posted by Nigma

NO FUCK OFF IT WAS NEXT VOTE WINS YOUR 7 WORD BREAKDOWN IS NOT WELCOME HERE

I really don't care but you lost

[Nigma]

Originally Posted by Mike Wrecka

I really don't care but you lost

You'll eat those words