Some Lines I Wrote

Foxx · 03-07-2013, 12:48 AM

Ahem

My voice makes you kids excited like it's Christmas,
Ya bitch, too, kid, i'm on her motherfucking wish list.

I don't judge others, but others are quick to hate,
When they suck dick so much they make Freddie Mercury look straight.

Stab you with a sharpened crucifix,
That's called a mercy killing.
Except the blood doesn't turn to wine when it starts spilling.

I'd baptize you, dunk your head down, and hold it for a minute,
So you could meet God quicker when you finally stopped kicking.

Respect is demanded, that's my personal commandment,
Can't stand it, cause i'm fly and you fake as fuck, and now i've landed.

I've only just begun, some people say it's time to clock out,
Well, sit down and shut the fuck up, you're in time out.

I allow you to diss me, cause revenge is sweet,
You won't be biting the curb, you'll be eating the concrete.

Concrete rhymes, and disses so sadistic,
You'll think Lucifer had gone and left your God missing.

Fox is an animal,
I'm rabid, foaming at the mouth,
Leave you bitches scared,
Like you're afraid to leave the house.

I'm not just scary, I'm a reflection of Stephen King's writings,
I'm already Shining, leave you in Misery, bitch, try me.

Dropping shit dope like a personal ritual,
People judging my flow, like they're stereotypical.

Fox is cold, wipe your nose, fuck up your sinuses,
Bow down to Fox's group like we're your fucking highnesses.

Zen · 03-07-2013, 12:53 PM

Ok I'm gonna give you some critique. First off decent piece Foxx. You seem like you've got the basics down but this piece to me seemed like a freestyle not something you actually wrote. I saw you did audio is that what this is?
But in some parts the flow is a little fucked. For example the freddie mercury line. The first line of the bar is much shorter than the next bar which makes it seem longwinded and in turn fucks up the flow. You can fix that by using inner rhymes in the lines to help the flow move along better. Also try to incorporate some multis into your piece.

By no means think of me as an expert and telling you your piece is bad. I think it could work for audio but it doesn't make for an exciting read to me. I hope you use some of the advice I gave you and keep postin man

Foxx · 03-07-2013, 09:55 PM

I wrote it to a beat haha, and the beat kinda holds up there.
But thanks man, appreciate the feedback.

03-07-2013, 12:48 AM	#1
Foxx Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 3 Rep Power: 38	Some Lines I Wrote Ahem My voice makes you kids excited like it's Christmas, Ya bitch, too, kid, i'm on her motherfucking wish list. I don't judge others, but others are quick to hate, When they suck dick so much they make Freddie Mercury look straight. Stab you with a sharpened crucifix, That's called a mercy killing. Except the blood doesn't turn to wine when it starts spilling. I'd baptize you, dunk your head down, and hold it for a minute, So you could meet God quicker when you finally stopped kicking. Respect is demanded, that's my personal commandment, Can't stand it, cause i'm fly and you fake as fuck, and now i've landed. I've only just begun, some people say it's time to clock out, Well, sit down and shut the fuck up, you're in time out. I allow you to diss me, cause revenge is sweet, You won't be biting the curb, you'll be eating the concrete. Concrete rhymes, and disses so sadistic, You'll think Lucifer had gone and left your God missing. Fox is an animal, I'm rabid, foaming at the mouth, Leave you bitches scared, Like you're afraid to leave the house. I'm not just scary, I'm a reflection of Stephen King's writings, I'm already Shining, leave you in Misery, bitch, try me. Dropping shit dope like a personal ritual, People judging my flow, like they're stereotypical. Fox is cold, wipe your nose, fuck up your sinuses, Bow down to Fox's group like we're your fucking highnesses.

03-07-2013, 12:53 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Ok I'm gonna give you some critique. First off decent piece Foxx. You seem like you've got the basics down but this piece to me seemed like a freestyle not something you actually wrote. I saw you did audio is that what this is? But in some parts the flow is a little fucked. For example the freddie mercury line. The first line of the bar is much shorter than the next bar which makes it seem longwinded and in turn fucks up the flow. You can fix that by using inner rhymes in the lines to help the flow move along better. Also try to incorporate some multis into your piece. By no means think of me as an expert and telling you your piece is bad. I think it could work for audio but it doesn't make for an exciting read to me. I hope you use some of the advice I gave you and keep postin man

03-07-2013, 09:55 PM	#3
Foxx Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 3 Rep Power: 38	I wrote it to a beat haha, and the beat kinda holds up there. But thanks man, appreciate the feedback.