happy birthday to me

Just Write · 01-01-2014, 02:35 PM

If i offered to pay, would you off me today?
No need for a hospital, a coffin or grave
All the options ive made, have pushed me over the edge
Now all i hope for is death and it's sweet embrace.
i can't even escape this ocean of debt
I'm prone to neglect, so no need for sorrow.
i'm here today but tomorrow who knows
My scars are old. They've carry the weight
Of all the sins ive committed, hidden & buried in shame
Ive admittedly came close to ending it all
But i got a bitch of an ex and my kid thats involved.
I guess ive began to evolve and grow as a dad
Just yet to determine any goals or a plan
So im holdin it in, every emotion i can
And hoping being another year older will mold me into a man.

@JustWrite

Exis · 01-01-2014, 10:14 PM

I liked the first line...the last few bars that ended this would be my favorite section, really felt the emotion in that closin' part.As a whole it's a good read...kept it smooth for the majority and durin' switch ups the transitions were nice with it.I don't have anything' else to say really lol, this was a tight little drop bro.

Stay upwards.

Objective · 01-01-2014, 10:14 PM

Thought the first two lines were dope as fuck, then it kinda fell off after that. The flow was choppy at times, words not really rhyming and the closing line is stretched. The ideas, and the piece itself, got potential. Just need some polishing.

When it comes to the stuff it seems like you're dealing with; I wish you the absolute best of luck with that, and I hope things get better for you.

Just Write · 01-01-2014, 10:49 PM

@Objective just trying some new schemes and shit. Thatnks for the feed, drop a link and ill be sure to rtf l. You too @Exis

Figgly Wiggly · 01-01-2014, 11:10 PM

This was dope. Focused and concise. A few cadence slips but who really gives a shit. Not me, that's who. The poignancy of the last line with respect to the title is what really made it seep in.

However
the content was tiresome. If you're going to be introspective, be creative. Make it pretty so the reader is interested. You're dope though man, underrated imo.

e11even · 01-01-2014, 11:43 PM

I can relate on more than a few levels to this shit. i liked the soul of this verse, but wasnt impressed with the presentation. Real talk pieces are my fave tho, so props regardless. Keep on keepin on bro.

01-01-2014, 02:35 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	happy birthday to me If i offered to pay, would you off me today? No need for a hospital, a coffin or grave All the options ive made, have pushed me over the edge Now all i hope for is death and it's sweet embrace. i can't even escape this ocean of debt I'm prone to neglect, so no need for sorrow. i'm here today but tomorrow who knows My scars are old. They've carry the weight Of all the sins ive committed, hidden & buried in shame Ive admittedly came close to ending it all But i got a bitch of an ex and my kid thats involved. I guess ive began to evolve and grow as a dad Just yet to determine any goals or a plan So im holdin it in, every emotion i can And hoping being another year older will mold me into a man. @JustWrite __________________

01-01-2014, 10:14 PM	#3
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	Thought the first two lines were dope as fuck, then it kinda fell off after that. The flow was choppy at times, words not really rhyming and the closing line is stretched. The ideas, and the piece itself, got potential. Just need some polishing. When it comes to the stuff it seems like you're dealing with; I wish you the absolute best of luck with that, and I hope things get better for you. __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

01-01-2014, 10:49 PM	#4
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	@Objective just trying some new schemes and shit. Thatnks for the feed, drop a link and ill be sure to rtf l. You too @Exis __________________

01-01-2014, 11:10 PM	#5
Figgly Wiggly Bam Join Date: Nov 2013 Posts: 456 Rep Power: 3636322	This was dope. Focused and concise. A few cadence slips but who really gives a shit. Not me, that's who. The poignancy of the last line with respect to the title is what really made it seep in. However the content was tiresome. If you're going to be introspective, be creative. Make it pretty so the reader is interested. You're dope though man, underrated imo. Last edited by Figgly Wiggly; 01-01-2014 at 11:47 PM. Reason: gay

01-01-2014, 11:43 PM	#6
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	I can relate on more than a few levels to this shit. i liked the soul of this verse, but wasnt impressed with the presentation. Real talk pieces are my fave tho, so props regardless. Keep on keepin on bro. __________________ Ahem.

01-01-2014, 10:14 PM	#2
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	I liked the first line...the last few bars that ended this would be my favorite section, really felt the emotion in that closin' part.As a whole it's a good read...kept it smooth for the majority and durin' switch ups the transitions were nice with it.I don't have anything' else to say really lol, this was a tight little drop bro. Stay upwards.