Playoffs Round 2: No. 4 Mr. J vs. No. 5 PancakeBrah - PANCAKEBRAH WINS 7-(-4)

Vulgar · 12-21-2013, 11:29 PM

Typing this on the keyboard I hate so it will be brief:

Pancake - Good work, Giorgio. Nice writing throughout and also strong rhyme schemes. The storyline never really had me. You dress a lot of your concepts in emperor's clothes hoping for a grand payout. I think if you write less muscle-y, it might be more effective.

He meets Ava in a bar, of course. She’s wearing Gothika chic and pockets of lint.
Little tassles, lockets and trinkets. Soft in the cheek, she moves like a walking of winks,
^These lines were wack.

and Ibiza, only to know their every marketable feature. His margins aligned,
a cognizant leader with a slight temper and dulled spark in his eyes.
^These lines were excellent. See the difference? Less detail, more meaningfulness.

I would've ended the verse at "You're fired" because I don't really care about closure and I'm a merciless specimen. Yours was alright. Wasn't too giddy about the cinematic nebulae expose before the closing dialogue.

J - I didn't really get this and thought you were much too neutral. The verse glazed over as one expository grouping without a tangible point, IMO. I like your rhyming and style but it didn't cut it for me this time.

Vote Cake

12-21-2013, 11:29 PM	#10
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	Typing this on the keyboard I hate so it will be brief: Pancake - Good work, Giorgio. Nice writing throughout and also strong rhyme schemes. The storyline never really had me. You dress a lot of your concepts in emperor's clothes hoping for a grand payout. I think if you write less muscle-y, it might be more effective. He meets Ava in a bar, of course. She’s wearing Gothika chic and pockets of lint. Little tassles, lockets and trinkets. Soft in the cheek, she moves like a walking of winks, ^These lines were wack. and Ibiza, only to know their every marketable feature. His margins aligned, a cognizant leader with a slight temper and dulled spark in his eyes. ^These lines were excellent. See the difference? Less detail, more meaningfulness. I would've ended the verse at "You're fired" because I don't really care about closure and I'm a merciless specimen. Yours was alright. Wasn't too giddy about the cinematic nebulae expose before the closing dialogue. J - I didn't really get this and thought you were much too neutral. The verse glazed over as one expository grouping without a tangible point, IMO. I like your rhyming and style but it didn't cut it for me this time. Vote Cake