Week 10 - Diode (4-0) vs. ThisIsDam (3-0) - DIODE WINS 5-4

Certain · 12-03-2013, 02:35 AM

ThisisDAM: This verse was a bit of a departure from your previous verses, mostly in the length of lines and focus on rhymes. You still had plenty of rhymes, but they weren't at the heart of your verse and weren't as essential in moving the piece forward. In that way, this was a major step up. And those rhymes were mostly good, though at times they felt a little too syncopated and predictable, especially since so man of your lines were full sentences, meaning there was sort of a pause between them that messed up the continuity of the cadence. Plus you cut off rhymes after one couplet or, in a few instances, three lines. As far as the content, you spent a lot of time developing your main character and never really brought her home as an actual person. So she's ridiculously gorgeous and also pure of heart and talented artistically. That's not a real person, but that's the person you were describing for about 10 to 12 lines here. You made a turn for the better when you started to discuss her resentment for her disease. You did more telling than showing and could have built the verse more anecdotally, but when you hit your stride, the storytelling definitely improved. The ending was saccharine and predictable, especially since you telegraphed it with a line earlier in the verse. Developing the male character and how and why they connected in a more specific way would have allowed for more depth, as that part was thin. This verse was OK. It grew on me with every read, once I got past the rough start. Not much happened, and the character development was pretty basic. The cancer treatment aspect was a nice twist on the most obvious take on this topic, writing about someone who can't speak.

Diode: This was the best verse you've written for this league. Maybe that's simply you shaking off rust or maybe it's the simplicity of your approach here. I thought you hit this topic on the head. Writing a short verse simply felt right, even if you did it for lack of time, and your content worked well with that brevity. You used your writer's voice and a few poetic devices to hammer home the awkwardness of the scenario. You left a lot unsaid in your verse, which again is kind of the point of this topic. Your rhymes are still simple, something that will become an issue as we head to the playoffs and even was an issue here because ThisisDAM is a good rhymer. You generally make up for your simplistic rhymes with good cadence, though the second line through me. The rest of the verse handled it well. The repetition/variation worked really well with the "nobody" line but not nearly as well on the "this deep" line, in part because you presented them one after another and in part because "this deep" doesn't mean as much as "nobody," at least in the context of this verse. I try to encapsulate every topic with my verse, to write something where even the structure reflects the topic, but most others don't follow that and instead try to write the best verse possible while hitting the topic. It was nice to see someone else define their verse by the topic. I really liked this.

Vote: Diode

12-03-2013, 02:35 AM	#11
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	ThisisDAM: This verse was a bit of a departure from your previous verses, mostly in the length of lines and focus on rhymes. You still had plenty of rhymes, but they weren't at the heart of your verse and weren't as essential in moving the piece forward. In that way, this was a major step up. And those rhymes were mostly good, though at times they felt a little too syncopated and predictable, especially since so man of your lines were full sentences, meaning there was sort of a pause between them that messed up the continuity of the cadence. Plus you cut off rhymes after one couplet or, in a few instances, three lines. As far as the content, you spent a lot of time developing your main character and never really brought her home as an actual person. So she's ridiculously gorgeous and also pure of heart and talented artistically. That's not a real person, but that's the person you were describing for about 10 to 12 lines here. You made a turn for the better when you started to discuss her resentment for her disease. You did more telling than showing and could have built the verse more anecdotally, but when you hit your stride, the storytelling definitely improved. The ending was saccharine and predictable, especially since you telegraphed it with a line earlier in the verse. Developing the male character and how and why they connected in a more specific way would have allowed for more depth, as that part was thin. This verse was OK. It grew on me with every read, once I got past the rough start. Not much happened, and the character development was pretty basic. The cancer treatment aspect was a nice twist on the most obvious take on this topic, writing about someone who can't speak. Diode: This was the best verse you've written for this league. Maybe that's simply you shaking off rust or maybe it's the simplicity of your approach here. I thought you hit this topic on the head. Writing a short verse simply felt right, even if you did it for lack of time, and your content worked well with that brevity. You used your writer's voice and a few poetic devices to hammer home the awkwardness of the scenario. You left a lot unsaid in your verse, which again is kind of the point of this topic. Your rhymes are still simple, something that will become an issue as we head to the playoffs and even was an issue here because ThisisDAM is a good rhymer. You generally make up for your simplistic rhymes with good cadence, though the second line through me. The rest of the verse handled it well. The repetition/variation worked really well with the "nobody" line but not nearly as well on the "this deep" line, in part because you presented them one after another and in part because "this deep" doesn't mean as much as "nobody," at least in the context of this verse. I try to encapsulate every topic with my verse, to write something where even the structure reflects the topic, but most others don't follow that and instead try to write the best verse possible while hitting the topic. It was nice to see someone else define their verse by the topic. I really liked this. Vote: Diode __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.