Week 10 - patrown (3-3) vs. Adonis (3-5) - PATROWN WINS 5-3

Nigma · 12-03-2013, 02:14 AM

Adonis, I enjoyed the general tone of the piece and was left with the picture of a smokey landscape, cracked soil, ravaged by dragons. Felt like you could have broadened some concepts out to further develop the verse, your top speed momentum seemed a biiiit low in this. 'Restricted by the shackles he polished' line is one that sticks out, in that it could have reworded to make a bit more sense. Still had some top notch imagery and consistent flow to make it read nicely

patrown, your character description was on point here. Did a good job getting into the characters head and propose a believable train of thought.

"patiently waiting for a white knight to placate her needs
her twighlight sihoulette playing pictionary
outlining the worlds flaws in her silent script that varied
between quiet praise and fear of violent days our minds display"

Thought that section was nice, worlds flaws line one of the better in the verse.

Felt as though Patrown had more substance to his verse. He put more thought into what he wanted to write about before he started the verse and took concepts to a broader scope, diving deeper then Adonis this week

+1 Patrown

12-03-2013, 02:14 AM	#11
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,723 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595813	Adonis, I enjoyed the general tone of the piece and was left with the picture of a smokey landscape, cracked soil, ravaged by dragons. Felt like you could have broadened some concepts out to further develop the verse, your top speed momentum seemed a biiiit low in this. 'Restricted by the shackles he polished' line is one that sticks out, in that it could have reworded to make a bit more sense. Still had some top notch imagery and consistent flow to make it read nicely patrown, your character description was on point here. Did a good job getting into the characters head and propose a believable train of thought. "patiently waiting for a white knight to placate her needs her twighlight sihoulette playing pictionary outlining the worlds flaws in her silent script that varied between quiet praise and fear of violent days our minds display" Thought that section was nice, worlds flaws line one of the better in the verse. Felt as though Patrown had more substance to his verse. He put more thought into what he wanted to write about before he started the verse and took concepts to a broader scope, diving deeper then Adonis this week +1 Patrown __________________