Week 8 - Vulgar (3-2) vs. Mr. J (5-2) - VULGAR WINS 6-3

Certain · 11-16-2013, 11:07 PM

Vulgar: On my third read, I put on "Warszawa," an instrumental classic by David Bowie, and rapped it aloud to that. That actually really worked. I've written a lot of these types of verses in the past but, to be honest, always viewed them as a little bit of a copout. You get the chance to quickly develop three unique characters, and because you're a great writer, that development comes easy. Then you tie them together and make a point so that it all seems like three stories but in fact is none. But it works because it's such a great way to showcase character sketches. That's why I liked writing them and why I like reading them. I particularly thought the second stanza was strong. I do with you had drawn more pertinent parallels or non-parallels to further unify the three sketches. Also, this is more stripped down than your normal writing, and when I got to the epilogue segment I was hoping you'd flip gears and hit us with a complex, pointed diatribe about this version of a cold world. But I can't hold my expectations for your writing style against you, and what you wrote worked. The rhymes were occasionally clumsy and a bit too infrequent. In a lot of ways, this verse felt like a reaction to last week's loss, a sort of total about-face as a reaction voters who didn't really grasp your very good verse then. If so, I understand the temptation but don't think you have to move this far in the other direction.

Mr. J: I liked this concept quite a bit. But I think just as with last week, you forced yourself to be overly vague thanks to the reveal-style ending. This verse was a bit more tightly structured than last week's, with less rambling. But there still wasn't enough foreshadowing. And while I didn't guess what it would be, this verse clearly hinged on a twist the entire time I read it the first time, which is a sign that the twist is too important to the verse. It's sort of a problem with the style itself, though you definitely executed it best against me. A more head-on approach to the same verse about the Native American plight would have appealed to me much more, and even with this approach, you could have addressed specific issues more with indirect phrasing or double-entendres. Your lines this week are longer than I've ever seen from you, and that sort of cut into the smoothness that I expect. It's a big step up from last week, but ultimately I didn't get the same sort of attachment to your verse as I had to Vulgar's.

Vote: Vulgar

11-16-2013, 11:07 PM	#7
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Vulgar: On my third read, I put on "Warszawa," an instrumental classic by David Bowie, and rapped it aloud to that. That actually really worked. I've written a lot of these types of verses in the past but, to be honest, always viewed them as a little bit of a copout. You get the chance to quickly develop three unique characters, and because you're a great writer, that development comes easy. Then you tie them together and make a point so that it all seems like three stories but in fact is none. But it works because it's such a great way to showcase character sketches. That's why I liked writing them and why I like reading them. I particularly thought the second stanza was strong. I do with you had drawn more pertinent parallels or non-parallels to further unify the three sketches. Also, this is more stripped down than your normal writing, and when I got to the epilogue segment I was hoping you'd flip gears and hit us with a complex, pointed diatribe about this version of a cold world. But I can't hold my expectations for your writing style against you, and what you wrote worked. The rhymes were occasionally clumsy and a bit too infrequent. In a lot of ways, this verse felt like a reaction to last week's loss, a sort of total about-face as a reaction voters who didn't really grasp your very good verse then. If so, I understand the temptation but don't think you have to move this far in the other direction. Mr. J: I liked this concept quite a bit. But I think just as with last week, you forced yourself to be overly vague thanks to the reveal-style ending. This verse was a bit more tightly structured than last week's, with less rambling. But there still wasn't enough foreshadowing. And while I didn't guess what it would be, this verse clearly hinged on a twist the entire time I read it the first time, which is a sign that the twist is too important to the verse. It's sort of a problem with the style itself, though you definitely executed it best against me. A more head-on approach to the same verse about the Native American plight would have appealed to me much more, and even with this approach, you could have addressed specific issues more with indirect phrasing or double-entendres. Your lines this week are longer than I've ever seen from you, and that sort of cut into the smoothness that I expect. It's a big step up from last week, but ultimately I didn't get the same sort of attachment to your verse as I had to Vulgar's. Vote: Vulgar Last edited by Certain; 11-17-2013 at 01:21 AM.