postcard from Indiana

Certain · 11-15-2013, 02:23 AM

The disconnect between your phrases is really hit or miss for me. But this was almost entirely hits. I was able to connect pretty much everything in some way. The images in the beginning were beautiful. I had to think about some of them for a bit. "Winterette" isn't a word. But you made it work in context because you'd given me the image of a cold November day so clearly. This verse might have been more affective in two months. Anyway, Toward the end, you gave up your style a little and went for more directness with mixed results. The "darker spills" line was masterful, while the "perspective"/"bitch" couplet felt out of place and clumsily worded. The ending redeemed it, though. The last line was one of the best in the verse. This is you at your best.

11-15-2013, 02:23 AM	#6
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	The disconnect between your phrases is really hit or miss for me. But this was almost entirely hits. I was able to connect pretty much everything in some way. The images in the beginning were beautiful. I had to think about some of them for a bit. "Winterette" isn't a word. But you made it work in context because you'd given me the image of a cold November day so clearly. This verse might have been more affective in two months. Anyway, Toward the end, you gave up your style a little and went for more directness with mixed results. The "darker spills" line was masterful, while the "perspective"/"bitch" couplet felt out of place and clumsily worded. The ending redeemed it, though. The last line was one of the best in the verse. This is you at your best. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.