postcard from Indiana

[Split]

italicized.
between the coughs, and cigarettes,
we stretched connected dots of Christmas specks.
leaking frost, gossamer breath in the somber winterette.
introspectrum. grays, mostly. coffee grounds, kettle, pot,
blink and frame it. stalling for the shot. shadows payroll,
headlit halo traces. lay-low crawling angels.
bawling bangles, bursts of jingles, pop-up page of glossy narratives,
commercials (insert single), costly trait and fatal flaw inheritance.
not like the irreverence of my only coffee table.
with the faded oak. grain exposed, pocked up crown. dropping angles.
except unloading, i could tell it's stain's just blotchy now.
with the darker spills, you are supposed to dab.
things to learn with age. termed "appreciation".
I've got an "effed" perspective. set me straight.
turn the phrase away, bitch. it's getting late.
slow draining drinks. you cracked all the eggs,
And I made an eggnog, in which to sink. even in my Saturday best,
slippers, sagging sweats and bunching dress socks,
my business-arranging grin left a awful lot unsaid.

[Fig]

I really liked this. But I'm stoned. And I can't say the things I wish to say until I am in the state of mind to say them!

I'll be back fucker

[dead man]

nice.

i remember recently reading somebody pair us up as similar or parallel writers I'm not sure which. i think this short verse may both capture the spirit of that comparison and debunk it all at once. i believe our thought pattern may be similar when deciding how to write. how to describe. how to make abstract concepts concrete in a visceral way. minimalistic and sharp is how i can best define your mannerisms. but at the same time you have the ability to take a single thought - ie., a stain on a coffee table - and give it life through the dasein of that table. the spirit of it is not in it's surface but in it's grain. it's imperfections and it's relative experiences that we attach to it. you opened up with really seasonal visuality. gloomy and gray. mood is like color or vice versa but there's a reason we attach the two so closely. i liked your use of language, how you loosely tie together your image with your subject and let the reader sort of guide themselves through your construct. this was a freeze frame, a picture of remorse with an after-burn that comes with acceptance and adaptation. move on.


thanks split



1

[Objective]

Well, how the fuck do you give feed after someone like @dead man drops some fucking in-depth quality feed like that? Either way, I co-sign with what he said.

commercials (insert single), costly trait and fatal flaw inheritance.
^Also got to add that I thought this shit was creative, I enjoyed the way you added the (insert single), creative way of approaching the subject in a verse.

[BWHAHA]

Originally Posted by dead man

nice.

i remember recently reading somebody pair us up as similar or parallel writers I'm not sure which.

@Darth Yoda

I liked this. it was intricate. but that's just the word i'd use to describe you, though it doesnt appeal to the average reader at first, this isn't perse for the average reader. You did your thing here, I wish I could delve deeper.

[Certain]

The disconnect between your phrases is really hit or miss for me. But this was almost entirely hits. I was able to connect pretty much everything in some way. The images in the beginning were beautiful. I had to think about some of them for a bit. "Winterette" isn't a word. But you made it work in context because you'd given me the image of a cold November day so clearly. This verse might have been more affective in two months. Anyway, Toward the end, you gave up your style a little and went for more directness with mixed results. The "darker spills" line was masterful, while the "perspective"/"bitch" couplet felt out of place and clumsily worded. The ending redeemed it, though. The last line was one of the best in the verse. This is you at your best.