Ryan 12 vs Mordycai (topical) - RYAN WINS

[namix]

Originally Posted by Mordycai

Facad of a Nation
Ever so swiftly I get up, so slippery I misstep through a whistling head rush
Yet I remained focused as I note this moment down and went fishing for my collective trust
We set up.. awaiting the wind and what it carries, hiding amongst the space within itself
It grew silent.. so we escaped and began racing to a safer basement before we begin to melt
--)> i liked how you kicked it off, cool flow and inners through the first two lines 85% of the way man... the syllable counting in terms of where "collective trust" fell, fell out of rhythm a bit --- i liked the concept of fishing through your collective trust though

Amazing with steady pacing, no hesitation in order to lead our nation into rehabilitation
Can you see the thrills I'm facing? Graciously praying for a statement that we've made it
How about an exclamation? We'll never have enough time as long as we keep declining our duration..
..that we've been given out of appreciation for our love towards human adaptation
--)> it was interesting -- i think your 'word-per-substance' ratio could be improved a bit, e.g. "can you see the thrills im facing? graciously praying for a statement that we've made it" = a cool concept lost in a lot of words and syllables bro.... the mark of a goof writer is the concepts --- the shit that others dont think of readily, but what brings good to great is the ability to resonate as concisely as possible (which I still personally am working on -- it's a good consideration bro -- how can you be concise and connect with clarity... only helps)
We need to crack the mold of this creation instead of debating if this is a coal or gold..
..type of situation.. So we slowed our roll, and sold our roles in order to fold whats cold
Instead of inflating our egos, why don't we stand tall and go into peace mode?
Our minds and bodies steadily decreasing slow..
--)> you're winning me over with the stance, but i need the walk friend -- you have a great disposition to your angle here --- creating a modest polarity between your 'what they need to hear' points and 'ease of hearing it' points would go a long way to maximizing the impact of the message...
..like were unintentionally executing a plan to impeach our souls
I once told myself to travel down the higher roads because even progression doesn't end in miles
Its wild, in fact : it lessens..
..and when the fire scolds, expect depression winding bends like Nile flexing
--)> cool man -- you are on the verge of becoming really compelling... i feel that your attention to detail is strong, but it's fighting against you --- e.g. i like your conceptual flow, but some of it feels contrived from bar to bar -- to the point you are sacrificing how natural it sounds... the angle you are going for in your verse is strong, and the flow is solid, but based on your writing ability i believe you can be stronger in terms of the actual metaphor at times --- for example, "winding bends like the nile flexing" --- if you apply your same attention of detail to what you appear to do best (innovation of the 'angle' you are trying to convey) I am confident it will resonate....
Even The Abysmal Waters Could Hold An Idea Simply Large Enough To End This Simple Slaughter
Weaving Through Missiles and Martyrs, We Foretold Lies And Left Ourselves Crippled, Yet Smarter
Believing My Vision Is Hard, Sir.. We Must Know What's Right And Put Ambition Into Our Sons And Daughters
..To Start Breathing For A Meaning, Rather Than Seeking Out What Type Of Fucking Lifestyle To Believe In..
--)> "we foretold lies and left ourselves simple yet smarter" = ill. That is the realization of what i was alluding to in this breakdown up to this point, it's a great concept -- embedded within a strong scheme ----- then, 'believing my vision is hard, sir' is a representation of what i was alluding to as sounding "contrived" ---

even by simply re-positioning it as "I see that my vision gets harder" --- you maintain your rhyme scheme to a tee, while creating more depth versus coming off contrived by speaking to a "Sir" you had not lead the readers to believe you were necessarily speaking to....

dug the message, appreciated the attention to detail, and believe that if you "focus more on focusing less" it could do amazing things for your writers voice bro.

@Ryan 12

Originally Posted by Ryan 12

Ambition

Behold an ancient mountain with peaks of iron
It's rivers crying, clothed in clouds at the feet of Zion
A thousand pines riddle it's silent face
I walk along it's diamond base at a migrant's pace
--)> this is actually really quite dope. the idea of "ambition" --- readers should think about how this lead with "peaks of iron" and by the fourth bar ended with "base of diamonds" -- it speaks well to the irrational ambition in the world, imo -- walking right by the riches and living it for what we assume is more... i actually dug this stanza a ton.
Till the fire sinks behind it's shoulders
The night is soulless,
I lay my head against a pillow made of grime & boulders
The last words on my mind are those of -
"By noon I'll have seen the face of God like the life of Moses"
--)> this was a cool expansion on your kickoff here. I like the conceptual allusion to the body, deliberate or unintentional, from 'feet of zion, 'sinks behind it's shoulders', head against a pillow, face of God... just a cool conceptual expansion which may not jump out to the masses, but resonated with me.... true to the flow and solid metaphor.
I wasn't divinely chosen, life gave me no path of light
Only thing I was tasked to find was the madman inside
I was the only son of a measly peasant
Only thing he gave me was a greasy pendant
--)> i like how the story telling is kicking in here... started to seem a but less thought out perhaps than the other lines leading up to this, but it worked in terms of bringing the story back to the story telling... up until this point you presented the journey as something almost mystical (although alluding to the peak not being something worth the climb, in with the iron apex), so it creaed a bit of connectivity with the audience, and set expectations re: the character on this path --- so i dug it.
Composed of scratched aluminum & silver segments
Engraved with the word's "In the absence of hope, defeat is present."
I arise at a moment's haste
Idle eyes on a glowing face
Filled with a sense of becoming
--)> i like how structured you are in your "conceptual thought" --- a lost art imo... the throw back to elements, which you began with iron/gold -- and almost put into perspective fully with being composed of something in between, aluminum & silver... solid enough transitionary flow from line to line -- and thought the idea of "in absence of hope, defeat is present" is a dope concept, almost at ends with the original journey you set the foundation for, yet complimenting the fact there would be a journey in the first place (e.g. why climb from diamonds to iron unless there was hope), there is a chance i am breaking down the verse for more than it was intended for --- but that only supports solid enough writing to allow for not just 'creative liberty' of the writer, but of the reader.
Exploring awaits, adventure's demanding
I'm reminded of the words of my father's thoughts
And head back onto to path up north to the past I sought
--)> dammit for the last sentence seeming a bit lazy compared to the rest of the verse -- and it's just lazy in terms of a very very cool thought that sounded too rushed to resonate with most readers (again, imo at least).. HOWEVER... this is where the rubber meets the road, or where the road meets the rubber ---- because even if i created a romantic meaning of your verse by my own cause -- i really do dig what this was supposed to mean in terms of what it mean to me. So you head upward... back to the beginning, which is not progression in retrospect, but you will not know retrospect until you're there.... and what way to be more motivated, or 'ambitious' than your father.... i hope i did your drop justice, but i almost certainly did not do it an injustice, because i think there is more depth here than meets the eye.

vote? Ryan 12

why? crisp, concise and consistent....both had strong messages, as any topic re: ambition should, however, his ability to layer metaphor on top of metaphor made for a more consistent theme in the read in my opinion.

Solid reads fellas.