October review magazine

[zygote]

October review for www.netcees.co Open Mic section.

Greetings all members, this is a short effort to highlight and review some of the uploads for October. Uploads were chosen for the short review by just a random cross section along with some individually picked uploads. The format is; Username: “Title” URL - date

Cross section of uploads for October:

beegee: “Bourne Identity - Chapter 1” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21971 - 10-01-2013

“he was born on a cold day, a Kansas City winter
Jackie gave birth to a planetary sinner
the snow storm above must have heightened the change
started off the young god with ice in his veins”

Short review: Pretty good upload, read it if you like to read a story in rhyming format with some description of action sequence etc.

BWHAHA: “If you add -uini to my favorite murder weapon it becomes an italian dish. Machetteuini~!” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=22746 - 10-04-2013
“Interplanetary takeover. This is phase transitory : Snake Cobra
Magnify the absent void. But I’m asking more; for you to stay covert.
A thousand flames. No alibi. Fragmentary blaze smolders
I face statutory rape charges, for just acting strange, I make noises.”

Short review: Really fun one to read, the narration goes all over the place and it moves in very unexpected directions from one thought to the next with some excellent rhyming. Read if you enjoy playing ‘pingpong in the garden, in the fifth floor of your parliament.’

PancakeBrah: “Nikole.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=22973 - 10-04-2013

“Your attention wanes. The last three of these I spelled in vain,
left unresponsive towards your weathervane.
Tepid, ensconced in my own predicate nonsense,
I sift through your 'Okay' and 'K' menagerie posits,
perched and so lofted,
to find a glimmer of chance. I'm Godless.”

Short review: Short upload with some interesting parts and use of language, the comments also contain a good discussion with an analytical review by user Darth Yoda and Pancakebrah.

Certain: “The superstar is broken.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23057 – 10-05-2013

“This is how easily the shooting star falls from the skies:
He stood tall in the lights, with fame, wealth, glory all in his sights.
Then, in a ball on his side, swallowing pride,
Derrick Rose, Chicago's favorite son, down and calling for ice.”

Short review: It makes use of a good device, the short lines in quotes that are like an interview section. These short sections break up the rhyming parts which are like a neutral observer just describing the events of the story (emphasised by the “This is the…” repetition). This upload has an interesting journalist-subject feel to the narration. Recommend it for both the story and the different writing devices on display.

Mr. J: “Deep In My Cellar” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23554 - 10-07-2013

“I seize eyes from the tiger, take lies from the liar
set their ice in the fire..fan that, advice from the wiser
of men...of mice time is of the dire, the likes of a tire
formed to a bike and it's rider, roll the dice you acquire
once I add the clock, and the other device to the wires
it's on you...give your wine to the diner“

Short review: Contained some good points in the comments, the rhyming was strong but in some parts the ambiguous content did not work perhaps because the individual phrases were not strongly/interestingly worded enough? To give it such a critique would be unfair, it was pretty decent. Although, comparing it to his more recent uploads, Mr. J has improved a lot since this upload.

oats: “Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=23814 - 10-08-2013
“Dear Eric,

you don't know me yet, but I know you very well
in fact, I know you better than I'd ever care to tell
like those vests you'd wear to Sunday School, such an arid smell
or when you cut your head trying to step on a carousel”

Short review: The rhyme scheme alone in the first paragraph is worthy of further inspection. E.g, notice the “cumbersome careless self” part its last line. Good concept piece writing to a younger self some nice emotions presented and also symbolic language (review the peach tree and the rosary beads parts near the end of it).

E-Thugs inc.: “real niggaz cyhper 7” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=24070 - 10-09-2013
“Tonio aka lil Crip in dis bish

Tonio out dat compton nigga
310 no baller blocking nigga
bend over I stick my cock in nigga
slang crack and I aint stopping nigga”

Short review: Discussion of homosexuality and aggression. Pretty entertaining to read actually.

Vividlyvague: “Sole Searching” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=24889 - 10-12-2013
“...there's an itch in there...

its been bitchin at him--and mentioning his wishes is when it flares.
"The Witching Mare" was his bar of choice, mostly cuz of the strippers where,
Open mic was a plus, but a digit dropped is a bitch impaired.
Pretending to be obliv to barbiturates in the sinning air
Was enough to get him off... to the stage to serenade women fair.”

Short review: Very long upload, it is a big story with a complete plot and detailed character arch, especially recommended if you like that kind of submission. There was also an unorthodox rhyme technique in it, it was ending the rhyme halfway through a sentence (see line 2 of the above quote).

Lyfza Gamble: “Master Of Arts” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=24920 - 10-13-2013

“I take charge on my mystical quest with every syllable said it's hard to picture it's visual depth...
Faced with lifes difficult test it is correct I'm vividly blessed although u might think I'm possessed...
considered a threat, with a chiselled defense I compose biblical text...
With a physical sense, that's capable of tearing thru ur mitchell an ness...”

Short review: Enjoyed the rhyme style the spacing is good and the parts where the rhymes double up are effective, but the content can perhaps have some room for refinement. It can be improved with better connections within each line. E.g., the 3rd line had a good set-up “considered a threat, with a chiselled defense” but the follow up didn’t logically flow (perhaps a stronger connection between the ‘chiselled’ part an ‘biblical text’ like ten commandments is what you were going for, but it wasn’t clear). It would be more entertaining if the logical connections between different phrases were clearer.


Genocide: “Zenland & Geno: How the Fuck you Sleep at Night?!?” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25307 - 10-14-2013

“Zenland..
I'm often portrayed as the sane Buddhist,
But somewhere along the way I changed and became ruthless,”
&
“Geno..
Every steps a leap in time, efforvescent demons rise
Epileptic ciezures climb, feast ur eyes, recollection leaves your mind”

Short review: First type of this upload during the random cross section. This kind of writing is always good, it is the braggadocio style, they are like character/persona pieces, the point is to write a lot of “I” “my” “me” statements etc and do it in an interesting way. Both contributors did a good job during this collaborative effort.

Badi Alii: “simply put” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25391 - 10-15-2013

“your mediocrity is blossoming more raunchily than awesome weed
my philosophy's like Socrates... no answers for this bald inbreed
i'm droppin these hypnotically and never fallin off the beat
it dawns on me i got 'em pondering as if they hit super sonic chronic leaf
but oh, I'M the delirious one since birth
though YOU see material funds as worth”

Short review: The first parts quoted were the highlights, the other exaggerated parts were good too but not the stand out sections of this particular upload. There are some humorous lines contained within it.

Just Write: “reality check” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25474 - 10-15-2013
“Ive laid here often, wondering if I deserve a grave or a coffin,
All the mistakes that I've made, how I've been betrayin my conscience,
Disgracing the prophets who said i'd be a good father & husband.
Instead I've wandered away, a hypocrite passing on judgement.”

Short review: The most autobiographical upload to come across so far, I always enjoy some writing that has reflective and self-referential qualities. It is interesting to think how much is accurate and how much is exaggeration, I think there is always an element of truth. One of the best uploads for this month, highly recommended especially if you like writing with a reflective tone.

Darth Yoda: “The Clockwork Orgy.” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25679 - 10-16-2013

“This is direct connotation. Or is it? I’ll resurrect Thomas Paine when, he wrote Common Sense. Who’s the best on vocation? Home-schooled but on vacation. I’m old-school. I’m Sinatra’s face. Frankly, you're not the same. Couldn’t erect a pretense that I’m creating, through the unrealness to allocate this. Look in-between the correlation, I’ll skeet on your mommas face. Indeed the sea of semen in blotchy places. You could see I plopped it on a certain locked location. If you connect the dots, you’ll allot a constellation.”

Short review: Perhaps it was the best rhymed presentation for this month’s uploads so far, the rhyming was the same and the assonance was the same throughout the whole submission which was quite long considering the format of full paragraphs vs line-breaks. Recommend this one for the atypical phrases and the good rhyming.

Clutter Buck: "Marie" http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=25887 - 10-17-2013

“...Marie’s eyes of amethyst lit up the room,
as our lithe protagonist served visitors food.
Her Clinique perfume desperately clung to the fabric
of each stitch her intrusive bosom was wrapped in.
She took her a napkin and folded the fixtures back
in the function room happening for local Sophisticrats.”

Short review: It had a strong sense of realism to the descriptions, and the story itself was excellent as well. Recommending this upload highly, it’s possibly my overall favorite to come across so far during this review process.

Mizz Millionaire: “Diss #1” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=26104 - 10-17-2013

“Who wants beef? Because I don't eat beef,
My flows are the sickest,
My bars are glory,
When I'm done spitting everyone gets born again.
Two rappers stop writing shit,
like you are writing love laities to your girlfriend.”

Short review: Short upload, nothing wrong with it really, just a short insult to hypothetical opponent. Didn’t understand the word ‘laities’ internet search says it means “lay people distinct from clergy.”

Wise Ways: “In waves..” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=26704 - 10-20-2013

“I plant myself in my grave. Every night is my slave.
Depraved. Stolen. Rolling at raves. In waves. Is this staged?
Holding a flame. Scolding in shame. Folding my brain.
Molten in rain. Unspillable bubbler. I'm feeling I love her.
Killing the cover. Chilling. Discolored. A pillion have- uhh, you're
Ill as a sun burn. Ready to plagiarize some Raveneye's,
Which are delaying light. I'm waaaaay too high
So God cares? You're wrong to think it
Those cross-hairs belong to Jesus
Gross, arm chairs? I wanna eat it”

Short review: If you are familiar with this style of upload by Wise Ways you will enjoy this further submission. There are some humorous lines, a kind of dark humour that is always good. It is light hearted, it even seems a bit self-aware almost (E.g., the “Can never bury a corpse in silence.” part) Recommending this one for the writing voice.

Frank: “"Mommy, I'm okay,” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=26770 - 10-21-2013

“"SANDY HOOK"
Seagulls swarmed sandra as she threw bread in the air - without a care in the world.
the hyper birds swirled above her head in a beautiful frenzy that spun her dizzy into an embarrassing url
her parents observe from chairs in the turf:
Swearing a blur;
Prepared to go get her;
Pale, with concern”

Short review: The formatting was changed in this short review, but visit the hyperlink to read it with its original formatting, it contributes a lot to the overall upload. Frank is a high concept writer, it is nice to see the different kind of submissions he creates. The rhyming is always good and there are usually some great stylistic choices to create a deliberate visual or literary effect.

Mike Wrecka: “The Famicon Brothers” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=27045 - 10-22-2013

“there was a plumber and his brother, working extra slow,
having a bummer of a summer in New Mexico,
other workers had gone home, they were next to go,
finally they could head east and have some pizza, cooked by professionals,
then one day while on a call, to fix a leak,
they met a woman from Georgia, that seemed out of their reach,
but she was friendly and said lets meet again to speak,
so one of the brothers convinced the other, to stay a few more weeks,”

Short review: Good storyline and enjoyable straightforward way of description and presentation, the vocabulary is concise and fitting for each section. This direct style is usually the way that I also try to write in for stories in a rhyming format. The story was about a video-game if you are familiar with this pop-culture you will probably find this upload even more interesting.


dead man: “SKULLKID (deadman/split8) - Emeritus I” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21513 – 10-24-2013

“Are you living, breathing, and acceptably conscious?
Please blink in your beady, TV scheduled responses.
We've been tied to our bretheren by 3D ventricle vomit,
but to succeed to our fullest, is to peel off the centripetal clauses”
&
“someday you'll find a receipt. and wonder
how much time a person buys in his sleep, for under
twenty six dollars and a sigh of relief
just wait. capitalism says you'll die in a week
the thunder bellows. walls separate, enlightenment leaks
cracking spiderwebs like rainforest, islanded beach”

Short review: There were subtle differences in style between the two contributors but both approached the same subject matter. There are also 3 good reviews in the comments that are interesting to read and give valid points for the upload. Recommending this upload too.

CopyPat: “Don't hate me cause i Beauty Flow” http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=27630 - 10-24-2013

“i never punctuate properly, forever understate. probably better run away, copy be yellin "andale!!" all of these texters dumb and they always be gettin stuck, they ain't got the speed. catchin up to stay on to me, best of luck.. i change constantly. exit brah, you ain't on the scene, i am the stud, you ain't hardly steed.”

Short review: Very good rhyming, the submission was a bit short, the above quote is approx. 50% of the overall upload. Recommended if you enjoy good multiple rhyme strings and a light/fun subject matter.

Ending comment/Overall review.

There are still some days left in October, and I thought about reviewing September instead, but this way also works as well. Only 20 were reviewed because that is a good number to stop at. The www.netcees.co opening mic section has been active lately, also feedback for individuals has been strong, and there are varied amounts of new members and older members uploading. Everything is nice, and the online community is good.

[Certain]

Thanks, ZYG. I liked the review of Mizz Millionaire's use of "laities."

[Zen]

Dope zy. Much appreciated and the om needs more of this tbh.

[Split]

thanks ZYG, great read. definitely agree with the OM's status there at the end, as well as Tonio's big break

[Geno]

Zygote da gawd for this. Thanks bro

[Wise Wiggles]

Dope. Appreciate it.

[Frank]

good shit, kid

[e11even]

Wow. This would be ill every month. I feel inspired to write more. Good Job.

[Zombie]

Very good ZYG. I want to contribute one of these months.