Week 5 - PancakeBrah (1-1) vs. breathless (1-2) - PANCAKEBRAH WINS 7-0

[Split]

Originally Posted by breathless

If the end is the beginning,
and the beginning is the end,
then I was dead before I ever breathed.
Now I gotta live this all again.
>wat?

I've been stuck in limbo, trapped in purgatory,
had some opportunities... had... stupid me.

When I shut the window, the pain latched permanently,
but, winds of change can break glass, personally.
I can't squeeze my way free of this frame of mind. No one's blame but mine.
Stacks of shattered, stained clean slates combine, stabilized.
It's a race to find the wasted time I keep takin' to save face and unwind
>....wat?

I had to watch this clock tick from analog to digital,
but I thought quick, and often, tried to plan it all traditional.
Shocked that I lost potential yet still amped up to get it through
my head, like a cannonball that hits the truth, but missed it too,
I ended up in this present rut, standin on my principles.
>...............wat????

Handin' off these ritual actions was miniscule
compared to the fact I'm the last character in this parable.

I've shared my half, relapsed, stared into the terrible,
but where I'm at now is passed bein' barely even bearable.
> what
I don't care about miracles, wouldn't dare to rely on clerical
errors, I need concrete proof to see what's fair to most.
Screw smellin' the roses, I'd rather eat the marigolds.
>what the

Been in the dog house, tryin' to get my thoughts out the fog clouds,
brought down to earth, caught ground and burned,
livin' the big city life in a small town concerned.
If this is the shit we find when false doubts converge,
then I'm sick of what's been minimized and crossed out to purge.

> i dont get it

If the end was the beginning,
and the beginning was the end,
then I am dead before I ever breathe.
Now I'm gonna live this all again.

okay. the main thing your story lacks is any concrete details in anything. you have a lot of description directed at the meaning/nature of your punishment in purgatory, but zero information about the Actual punishment in purgatory.

like, metaphors and figurative language are completely ineffective when theyre painted on a blank canvas... theyre supposed to frame things in relative terms/ make complex ideas relatable. here you just complicate a whole lot of vague. if that makes sense.

i think concrete details or specifics intermingled with your metaphorical language would really make things better. you employ a wide range of devices though, which is certainly a strong suit.


rhymes were okay. maybe not in a style i found aesthetic but they werent severely lacking. small town converged verse had the best rhymes.


i think you're halfway between writing a descriptive topical about condemnation and writing a story topical about condemnation, and it would serve you really well to pick a side.


i didnt dislike it, but it frustrated me because it seemed like this verse was merely describing another verse FILLED with detail and shit that described the topic... and what you wrote didnt quite adequately describe it


sorry to bea. negative nancy



Pancake


thought you murdered this verse. the characterization was meticulous, the plot advancement was clear, the flow was nicely metered. You did something cool with the topic, and it was moderately clever. cant quote specifics and dont want to quote entire verse, only one or two spots in the verse i had notes and they were technicalities.

V/Pancake.