Week 4 - Objective (2-0) vs. Just Write (2-0) - JUST WRITE WINS 6-0

[Frank]

topic: water

Just Write
When it all started, I was just another face in the crowd
Unknown.. but In that state I was complacent and proud
Lived on the outskirts of town..
..over the hill, down around the edge of the valley
In an old broken down house facing the market's shittiest alleys
Life's decisions were simple, my family would sell a few trinkets for bucks
Ma & pa would hustle for grub just to feed us kids every month,
^Valley , Market, Trinkets, Pa, Grub - All key words that capture a simple vibe.
Don't get me wrong,
me and my sister grew up happy in our own little world
I was pa's proudest achievement. she was ma's little girl, growing into a pearl
This was before the world of systems, before the time of money and fame
Before societies tradition conditioned us to live corruptly in vain
Just candle lit dinners, a small table with no room for visitor's plate's
Pa worked hard every winter preparing the fields, by digging the planes
^this line is harsh stark in contrast to the "water" topic. it is brash - "planes" - it is arrid - I am thirsty...

Me and my sister tried to help them out as much as we possibly could
She'd be scrubbing the dishes after dinner while I was out choppin up wood
^scrubbing the dishes - very rough usage of water, which than is quickly soaked up by the dense pine smell of wood chopping.
Me n' sis often traveled to town, mainly to pick up different supplies
Anything to make life easier on the family and help the work diminish in size
^''diminish'' didn't fit from a vocab stand point. was too sophisticated for the setting you had imprinted in my mind.
We used to love to ride the horses up the hill, for water and back
^water is finally introduced - as a desolate trickle in a gritty land.
But that day my pa said we couldn't take em cause he had an order to pack
^Right after introducing water you pack it on up. Shut off the valves so to speak.
I bet he never thought that we'd be victims of such a horrible act
Or his son would be tortured while his daughter went through a horrific attack
All I remember was the men in the mask, them grabbin at her tits and her ass
^raunchy.
Still picture it cleary, when I close my eyes I get the most vivid of flashbacks
It makes me sick til I can't stand, excuse me for my moment of silence.............
..... but I still can't understand how someone could be so prone & open to violence
There was no calling the cops, only my emotional sirens
As I lay their screaming til no more tears could seep through my eyelids.
^the water is welling.
The men who attacked us weren't just out for the money it seemed
They wanted to feel the thrill of a kill and the apealing rush that it brings
^"appealing" didn't fit. a revengeful rush would've kept the story in it's box. sometimes adding certain words distract from the content and it's a overly analytical precise but it bugged me.
They busted my cheek, fucked up my teeth, broke all four of my crowns
^tough go around there buddy. you were just crying but you sucked it up.
They threw me to the bottom just in time for me to see my sister tumbling down
As she lay on the ground I could see her life slippin away
there wasn't a thing I could do or a prayer to pray to help with the pain
I Didnt even try to help her..i'll always have to look back with this inner guilt
.....and now you know the real story of the hill, Jack, and his sister Jill.
^cool liil creativity on your behalf of the ole jack and jill story.

the rhyme schemes was kind of sketchy and somewhat dry but the emotion I could tell came from a different time in your life. either that or you just really went for the guts and glory and put yourself into the story of the couple who fetches the pale of water. aside from a few misplaced words, this was straight. decent read.

objective
Personalities is similar to water; hard to break with force,
and with careful evaluation you'll discover its course.
During a storm you better believe it shows its true face,
the crushing waves will put any sinking boat in place.

The taste I'm most familiar with is water from my sink,
^this was a profound line imo.
I don't need to buy expensive liquids to have a drink.
^aha.
If I'm stranded in a desert I wouldn't mind a helping hand,
because when it comes down to it; life is already planned.
^this reminds me of the horse lead to water, but you cannot make it drink, only pull it's reigns to the source.
As rivers fill our country-sides with life and unique beauty,
the cities grow to fulfill their needs as they share the same duty.
^i like this contrast idea of rivers filling the country sides, while cities try to fullfill their side of the plan.
You don't know where its traveled or if it's given people poundings,
but you can always trust on water to cope with its surroundings.
^"be water" - bruce lee
On a larger scale you could say that we slowly die if we don't share,
it gets deeper with Africa and the personality-concept up in there.
^this line really stirred the puddle and erased the validation the piece deserved.
It all comes together; during summer, spring, winter and fall,
^nah. it all fell apart...
if you look closer on what we got; the ocean makes up for us all.
^we are the world ending blemished by the ill fated choice of words, just a few lines before.

you told a story of water from a somewhat philosphical lenses but the line about Africa quickly veered this piece in totally different direction and ultimately blew it for you. i was going to give you the W but couldn't ignore the blunder.



mvgt just write