RUSH

e11even · 09-20-2013, 07:37 PM

the annoyance of mornings- coffee and kids.
the polos of boring, professional bid...
farewell to this pillow, this comforter's skin,
Hello to this lunchbox, its zippered-up grin.
Dismembered, the scripts, floating like blimps on my mental...
Easy to dispel, opposite to get into.
Grasping couplets and loose notions, i use lotion,
Black's ash a poison to this manly-ish potion.
commanding the troops in formation to chew,
cheerios swim in the lake of its skim til they prune.

impending impatience.

same pants this day...
leather belt that causes droops with the loops in play.
fuck. I look goof. great.
the tune of the troops at bay- moved to a soothed version of the mood that stayed.

back downstairs :/

food prepared... she has nuisanced hair...
i'm confused... the glare
she used left me a mute, she dared...
my face contorted, she mused. I spared.
She hands me aerosol to use to undo the snares.
styled. worn with an imbued hue and flair.

she's happy :)

salute to the lieutenant, organized n patient,
Though my vibe n mind are vacant
she sees I inside n tries communication.
Success in the moment,
too little time ta try to capitalize n we know it.

its 6:15 am.

Time to make a day of this morning.
Rhythms in-stanza parle across the inside of my forehead
as the troops assemble for boarding.
Grieves of daily grief are equipped to be tied.
This a bondage of daily labor, and the rush it implies... to which there's a mourning.

Life is lost time, death a cumulation of such.
To work I go. Wash, rinse repeat. But rush...

e11even · 10-17-2013, 01:38 AM

...

CopyPat · 10-17-2013, 03:33 PM

interesting. ur def original so far on the few things ive read, keep that up.. ur not getting alot of feeds probly cause nobody still really knows u yet. if anything i would say hold back a LITTLE on posting tooooo much material.. if ur posting 5 6 new threads per week as well as littering the cyphers with tons a stuff every day then ppl will just not give a fuck anymore and get bored with seeing u. try holding on to ur shit. u obviously write TONS and always have rhymes and ideas going through ur head. yeah get them down but don't post every single fuckin thing.....u know what i mean???? spread ur shit out a little..also its good for developing ur thoughts a little more, expanding on these ideas u have.. make them better, make them whole. i think u got potential. u just need to slow down a little, have rough drafts.. edit... take ur time dude. use the cypher to just fuck around but when u make a new thread make it count dude.

the verse was like i said interesting, u have some raw talent. almost poetic kinda style.. this had good imagery. nothing wrong with it.. just seemed a bit rushed, and could be better

e11even · 10-17-2013, 04:04 PM

Word. Thanks. This is like my second om piece that was never fed so I bumped. I don't post pieces eeverday but I am admittedly guilty of diving face first in the cyphers lol. Appreciate your advice.

Celph Taut · 10-17-2013, 06:44 PM

Cool mix of poetry-esque lyricism and modern writing. The structure isn't bad. The pacing is a little jumpy and makes it a little hard at times to follow the story, but overall it has a nice sense of creativity and depth. Enjoyed it for that aspect. Keep it up, Vividly!

09-20-2013, 07:37 PM	#1
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	RUSH the annoyance of mornings- coffee and kids. the polos of boring, professional bid... farewell to this pillow, this comforter's skin, Hello to this lunchbox, its zippered-up grin. Dismembered, the scripts, floating like blimps on my mental... Easy to dispel, opposite to get into. Grasping couplets and loose notions, i use lotion, Black's ash a poison to this manly-ish potion. commanding the troops in formation to chew, cheerios swim in the lake of its skim til they prune. impending impatience. same pants this day... leather belt that causes droops with the loops in play. fuck. I look goof. great. the tune of the troops at bay- moved to a soothed version of the mood that stayed. back downstairs :/ food prepared... she has nuisanced hair... i'm confused... the glare she used left me a mute, she dared... my face contorted, she mused. I spared. She hands me aerosol to use to undo the snares. styled. worn with an imbued hue and flair. she's happy :) salute to the lieutenant, organized n patient, Though my vibe n mind are vacant she sees I inside n tries communication. Success in the moment, too little time ta try to capitalize n we know it. its 6:15 am. Time to make a day of this morning. Rhythms in-stanza parle across the inside of my forehead as the troops assemble for boarding. Grieves of daily grief are equipped to be tied. This a bondage of daily labor, and the rush it implies... to which there's a mourning. Life is lost time, death a cumulation of such. To work I go. Wash, rinse repeat. But rush... __________________ Ahem. Last edited by e11even; 09-20-2013 at 07:39 PM.

10-17-2013, 01:38 AM	#2
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	... __________________ Ahem.

10-17-2013, 03:33 PM	#3
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	interesting. ur def original so far on the few things ive read, keep that up.. ur not getting alot of feeds probly cause nobody still really knows u yet. if anything i would say hold back a LITTLE on posting tooooo much material.. if ur posting 5 6 new threads per week as well as littering the cyphers with tons a stuff every day then ppl will just not give a fuck anymore and get bored with seeing u. try holding on to ur shit. u obviously write TONS and always have rhymes and ideas going through ur head. yeah get them down but don't post every single fuckin thing.....u know what i mean???? spread ur shit out a little..also its good for developing ur thoughts a little more, expanding on these ideas u have.. make them better, make them whole. i think u got potential. u just need to slow down a little, have rough drafts.. edit... take ur time dude. use the cypher to just fuck around but when u make a new thread make it count dude. the verse was like i said interesting, u have some raw talent. almost poetic kinda style.. this had good imagery. nothing wrong with it.. just seemed a bit rushed, and could be better __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

10-17-2013, 04:04 PM	#4
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Word. Thanks. This is like my second om piece that was never fed so I bumped. I don't post pieces eeverday but I am admittedly guilty of diving face first in the cyphers lol. Appreciate your advice. __________________ Ahem.

10-17-2013, 06:44 PM	#5
Celph Taut hey. Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 30 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 37	Cool mix of poetry-esque lyricism and modern writing. The structure isn't bad. The pacing is a little jumpy and makes it a little hard at times to follow the story, but overall it has a nice sense of creativity and depth. Enjoyed it for that aspect. Keep it up, Vividly!