How many lines till you understand who I am?

namix · 02-16-2013, 10:07 AM

This was an easy, and dope, read! I liked the story, the flow of the plot - and the revealing at the end. I would even say that you should drop the "who i am is revealed at the end" preface -- keep that "element" of surprise man... OR, if so inclined, you could just start your verse by saying "who am i?" and then get to it.

Great story, especially for how quickly you built it up, drew us in, and concluded it.

Good appreciation for the technical components of writing. solid flow throughout.

and GREAT allusion throughout. appreciated the references to the topic at hand - some more subtle and some more obvious than others --- which is IMPORTANT. some people fall down by going too subtle and never connecting with a broad audience, some people pendulum swing and go too obvious never really appealing to the depth of an audience --- but you had enough of both to bring them in, and even allow a reader to potentially 'see something new' in a second read.

Even liked how you worked in "inconvenient truth" without over-defining why you used the phrase. that is the shit that makes certain readers feel like they stumbled across something special (not saying that the movie itself or something is that amazing lol, but the approach in general is what lets someone REALLY connect with a writer's work, because not everyone who gives this a quick read will pick it up -- its a good approach in general).

and how about this:
so if it seems im alright, cause im covered in ice,
it only means that you value something, other than life/

bam. that was dope. there is good depth to that line, real good depth. very poetically written - with a solid and easy breezy flow going with it.

i gotta check out more of your shit too - i liked this, and can see you have depth. I read a drop by @Rawn MacDon that made me want to get my flow on -- and your drop here made me want to compliment that flow with some deeper message told through solid 'story-telling'

nice read homeslice!

02-16-2013, 10:07 AM	#5
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246655	This was an easy, and dope, read! I liked the story, the flow of the plot - and the revealing at the end. I would even say that you should drop the "who i am is revealed at the end" preface -- keep that "element" of surprise man... OR, if so inclined, you could just start your verse by saying "who am i?" and then get to it. Great story, especially for how quickly you built it up, drew us in, and concluded it. Good appreciation for the technical components of writing. solid flow throughout. and GREAT allusion throughout. appreciated the references to the topic at hand - some more subtle and some more obvious than others --- which is IMPORTANT. some people fall down by going too subtle and never connecting with a broad audience, some people pendulum swing and go too obvious never really appealing to the depth of an audience --- but you had enough of both to bring them in, and even allow a reader to potentially 'see something new' in a second read. Even liked how you worked in "inconvenient truth" without over-defining why you used the phrase. that is the shit that makes certain readers feel like they stumbled across something special (not saying that the movie itself or something is that amazing lol, but the approach in general is what lets someone REALLY connect with a writer's work, because not everyone who gives this a quick read will pick it up -- its a good approach in general). and how about this: so if it seems im alright, cause im covered in ice, it only means that you value something, other than life/ bam. that was dope. there is good depth to that line, real good depth. very poetically written - with a solid and easy breezy flow going with it. i gotta check out more of your shit too - i liked this, and can see you have depth. I read a drop by @Rawn MacDon that made me want to get my flow on -- and your drop here made me want to compliment that flow with some deeper message told through solid 'story-telling' nice read homeslice!