Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

[oats]

for Bob Dylan

Dear Eric,

you don't know me yet, but I know you very well
in fact, I know you better than I'd ever care to tell
like those vests you'd wear to Sunday School, such an arid smell
or when you cut your head trying to step on a carousel
the way you made your parents swell with anger, oh you were troublesome!
the youngest son, with 3 brothers, it's a wonder their marriage held
your cumbersome careless self, if only I knew what to say to you
but I'm older and I don't know how...it's all over now, Baby Blue

by all accounts known, you were a truly wild tike
but you've made it to a lot of places...for someone who couldn't ride a bike
I know - you weren't taught, plus it wasn't your style
at least that's what you would say with an uncomfortable smile
you always loved your denial, mixed in with some truth
like when your mom had the peach tree that glistened with one fruit?
you took a bite before it ripened - tossed it in the gutter
which clogged, so all your brothers were lined up to see who might snitch
you had to lie quick, even if it was generic
so you pulled a sly trick and blamed your "friend Eric"
not the smoothest maneuver, but it proved you wouldn't cry for help;
when the pressure was on you always knew to look inside yourself
only the sky could shelf your potential, nothing else would be able to
but those rolling clouds can hold it down...it's all over now, Baby Blue

I bet you're recognizing that these moments are slowing
so don't let 'em go, because you know where they're going
hold them as close to you as the Pope holds to his rosary
then maybe you'll avoid the disappointment you'll grow to be
the heartbreaks and mistakes, feeling smothered from the skies
now ashamed of the name that claimed you by the color of your eyes
the scars that you carry, partially buried, the heavy grief you shoulder
whatever keeps your soul on the road that's unpaved for you

With Grateful Inspiration,
the future Baby Blue

PS, it's never really over

[oats]

I'll post a new verse soon, promise. till then...


@Certain, just giving you a reminder

[NYCSPITZ]

ERIC STILTON......................

[Mr. J]

Quite the piece you have here Oats I hardly see you post
the OM welcomes you as for this the transitioning is nice
the flow is fluent and there is this raw feel to this that is...
how should I say...fresh compared to what has become of this place
very nice work..cannot quote because this should be observed as a whole

[Geno]

Your a legend imeyes

[Zen]

Honestly, this is dope as fuck. It felt like a genuine letter you were writing someone with good dialogue and yet you somehow managed to maintain the flow perfectly. That is not an easy thing to do. Props on that. Also the content of this felt very somber and heartfelt which is a nice change to the om which is usually VERY different from this lol. Definitely a quality piece. Can't believe I didn't read this sooner tbh. Keep dropping man.

[Darth Yoda]

good

[Certain]

Hi, oats. I didn't think this was your best piece. Writing a letter to your past self is a pretty standard trope, and the self-resentment kind of overpowered the content. I liked the granular memories, but they seemed to be without too much purpose in terms of a driving theme. I guess that's what I would say about this verse: If you had the chance to talk to your past self, this is what you'd tell him? God, there's so many things I'd want to go back in time to tell myself, and they would be so much more constructive than holding on to the memories.

With that said, your writing obviously is good because you're a good writer. Writers at your level don't tend to slip, so the judgments on a verse tend to be based on what was different about this one compared to others. Here, you seemed to play it a bit safe with your lyricism and word choice, not really doing much aside from letting the content speak for itself. That can be the best approach when the content merits it. I'm not sure that was the case here.

The second stanza probably was where I had the biggest issue with the negativity of the content. You just seemed to be attacking yourself. I understand the frustration with actions of the past, for sure, and it was somewhat relatable. But it also made me kind of hate the narrator.

You're one of the two or three best writers on this site, which is why I'm harsh.

Also, I prefered the Them version of "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue."

[NYCSPITZ]

just read this!!!! gonna comment like vowahahyodaboy!!!!!! so sad!!!! good oat is sad oats!!! cool concept bro :-) tell more about the existential abyss looking u in the face now kthnxbai

[oats]

Impressive @NYCSPITZ
@Certain appreciate the critique, I def was wading in the shallows on this one.

[Bodey]

simply raw

the concept alone is just beyond creative, it was almost like a therapeutic exercise for yourself, to self-examine and reflect. also impressively honest, though the tone of the piece is inbetween self-daunting and self-loathing. a melancholy feel to it, if you will. which i think many of us as writers can relate to for sure..

this was a very interesting read. almost makes me wanna write a letter to myself, though i doubt i'd get the lines as precise as you did. good work

[CopyPat]

didn't do it for me homeslice lol.. but i probly didn't get it.. stop being so serious!

[Celph Taut]

LOL.... my lord, oats... you're fucking dope. Incredible piece, here. The story-telling, pacing, choice of words, structure and fluidity - all around masterful. I was grimacing to myself at how well this was done. Enjoyed the rhyme scheme thoroughly and looking forward to what else you have in store. Keep it up!

[Just Write]

I read this a few times actually, don't know why I haven't fed it yet, thought I did. Weird. Anyways dude fucking nice drop, everything I've read from you has to be the most effortless verses I've read on here as in flow. Not only that but the descriptiveness with the stoeytelling capability makes you honestly one of my favorite writers to read on here along with gen and deadman. Again was really impressed with this nan. Good shit. Peace