WK1: c.d.m. (0-0) VS. dead man (0-0) [DEAD MAN WINS, 9-0.]

Coup · 02-15-2013, 01:17 PM

dead man -

first things that stand out for me is your flow and scheme, top notch. read very smooth with some nice turns of the tongue. Heavy imagery driven with a lot of inner rhetoric of a person thinking...not too much anchored in a clear driven narrative due to the onslaught of imagery devices and metaphor...pic representation was there but you have to pay attention to see it...I like how you used it though to tie in the mural on the steps (beach) to the accent to better things to hope for (steps). which tie the heavy imagery and flow you used well enough. Could have sustained the flow in a different story driven away outside the reliance on such bold imagery rethoric...kinda saturated the piece in ratio to length. Great drop though.

cdm--

first things I noticed was that your lines were stretched with high syllable counts, while you did manage to make them flow pretty well taken how long they were. Now not a bad thing, but in some passages the length hurt the flow and confused the pacing of this. Which brings me to another point, you tossed us into a situation without much of an introduction or a short few lines emerging us into the plot...we just jumped in. Center your readers first so to speak. Antonio’s revelations and how he changed, and what happened to him in time, was interesting and I picked that up...though I'm not sure your delivery did much justice to this deep topic.

I like the wisdom of the lines you gave us, each with some philosophic struggle with valuable lessons within them...made for a positive tone. I liked that. This read really well, despite the line stretches.

v-dead

02-15-2013, 01:17 PM	#1
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	dead man - first things that stand out for me is your flow and scheme, top notch. read very smooth with some nice turns of the tongue. Heavy imagery driven with a lot of inner rhetoric of a person thinking...not too much anchored in a clear driven narrative due to the onslaught of imagery devices and metaphor...pic representation was there but you have to pay attention to see it...I like how you used it though to tie in the mural on the steps (beach) to the accent to better things to hope for (steps). which tie the heavy imagery and flow you used well enough. Could have sustained the flow in a different story driven away outside the reliance on such bold imagery rethoric...kinda saturated the piece in ratio to length. Great drop though. cdm-- first things I noticed was that your lines were stretched with high syllable counts, while you did manage to make them flow pretty well taken how long they were. Now not a bad thing, but in some passages the length hurt the flow and confused the pacing of this. Which brings me to another point, you tossed us into a situation without much of an introduction or a short few lines emerging us into the plot...we just jumped in. Center your readers first so to speak. Antonio’s revelations and how he changed, and what happened to him in time, was interesting and I picked that up...though I'm not sure your delivery did much justice to this deep topic. I like the wisdom of the lines you gave us, each with some philosophic struggle with valuable lessons within them...made for a positive tone. I liked that. This read really well, despite the line stretches. v-dead