No Show verse

[Just Write]

got no showed, i'll leave either feedback or vote on whatever you like if I can get some feed on this

topic: Obstacles are what you see when you take your eye off the goal. - Vince Lombardi



Shawn had it easy, always at the head of his class
A logical student who was also gifted in math
Just give him a task and watch him quickly complete it
The kid was a genius with a promising path
A captain and standout in every sport that he played
Scholarships lined up from duke, to his home town of P.A.
Voted best looking in school, though wasn't one to flaunt it
When it came to women he could have whichever he wanted
It was common for Shawn when he went out of his way
If a friend needed help he'd volunteer his time for the day
Everybody loved him, and this was equally shown
But Shawn had a secret, see there was evil at home
At 5 Shawn was adopted, along with four other kids
Locked in their rooms at night, they had a camera above em
The Clark's didn't love them, they were just in it to win
paycheck on the 1st and trips to the bank, cashin em in.


Constantly beaten he had to find some type of excuses
That's why Shawn joined the football team, to hide all the bruises
Being told that he's incompetent, awkward and useless
Only made him stronger and smarter, and he wanted to prove it
It Gave him a push needed to be a mathematical genius
In fact as a sophomore he wrote a collegian caliber thesis
Astounding with speeches, they say he had a golden tongue
They didn't know it came from hours in the mirror trying to hold himself up
He was never shown no love, and didn't know how to be treated
So when a woman approached him he either hid or retreated
He felt simply defeated with yet a sense of progression
He learned to adapt and move about in many different directions
He learned an obstacle is only an obstacle it you continue to let it
Grow into a hopeless notion til' it's over, forget it.
Look past all the skeptics, Smile! It's all part of the show
Cause If you take your eyes off the goal, you know you'll regret.

[StarFaggot]

Not bad, will leave adequate feed later.

[Zen]

This piece is what I mean about you tugging at people's emotions with each one of your pieces lol. At first glance I thought this was gonna be a happy story with the teenage football captain who was a fucking genius at the same time, but then this shit got dark REAL QUICK. The kid had a fucked up life and the lines you used to describe that life were the most powerful like they had cameras on him, played football to hide the bruises but the most powerful one was the line about lying to himself in the mirror. Great piece of work here and it was a damn shame it was no showed. Stay active in the league man.

Feed here would be appreciated.
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21408 @Just Write

[e11even]

Direct, but deep. You can never read a book by its cover, your beginning setup and your
character of choice being no exception. Well written, very progressive in flow, concept
and and character development. Beautiful ugly pieces make the best written works imo;
whether it be songs, poems, or spoken word. Awesome shit. Hope you show up next week.

[patrown]

Very believable. I related to Shawn almost immediately. I'd be surprised if this was fiction, honestly. The story just feels real to me. Excellent writing.
I can't poke any holes in this one. you worked the math throwback in flawlessly, too. nice drop JW.

favorite bars..
It Gave him a push needed to be a mathematical genius
In fact as a sophomore he wrote a collegian caliber thesis
Astounding with speeches, they say he had a golden tongue
They didn't know it came from hours in the mirror trying to hold himself up

[Adonis]

Haven't forgot, tonight I will get to this.

[beegee]

damn I feel like your story telling style is very similar to mine.
loved this piece
sucks it was a no show.
would def collab on some shit with ya.

t Gave him a push needed to be a mathematical genius
In fact as a sophomore he wrote a collegian caliber thesis
Astounding with speeches,

love me some multi's

[Adonis]

Ok, so the flow was butter... mostly. There were some simple errors which shined me off like "obstacle it you continue".. I know its a typo but when I read it its like I'm proof reading for errors for you because you did not. The other error was word choice, but that's not big because we have different slang and or ways of speech. Again, just over 3/4's flow was liquid. As for the story, I guess borded the line of unoriginal but they way you incorporate flow and cadence makes it breatheable and fun. I def thought for a sec the parents adoted athletes for money tho.

I've read better from you for sure, but don't hate this verse. In my case its hard to read and or write a linear story or narrative because I swear I've read them all. But like I said, your style is unique to me because its reads literally like you talking, whicch I love about youu.

Overall, well paced story that had very little I could hate. Above was me just nitpicking for sake of it.