The beauty of it all

[Inno]

Soft pillow creases between the cracked streets
The alley's sway inside the feathers whim
Safety amongst the vagrants and the thieves
Serenity blessed by the concrete jungles schism
Roof tops fight against the glare of its realism
Fantasy lost- neverland is just across the bend
Each day we fight against the system
To no end

Between the dirt grains we find diamond feet
Along the borders of the outcast we fit slim
A coast of paradise belonging to dead streams
We beach ourselves along the shores axiom
We’ll cut ourselves finding sanity in the requiem
Bathing in filth cleansing in a truth soaked trend
We die daily and fight through the system
To no end

Garbage filled roads, winds filled of trash heap
Cracked walls and a ruined window prism
The scorched landscapes where willows peeked
Once along this land that is now a prison
Outside of its dreams…trying to keep hopes wisdom
And no one here lie’s…we just play pretend
We make believe we are fine in the system
To no end

Generations here...families grow in inches
The little we have we will die to defend
We intend to make it good outside the system
Transcending past the end.

[Inno]

Bumper

[e11even]

I dig. Good Luck in the league, homeboy.

BTW, check me out.

[Inno]

Can I get one more

[Zen]

Once along this land that is now a prison
Outside of its dreams…trying to keep hopes wisdom
And no one here lie’s…we just play pretend
We make believe we are fine in the system
To no end
^^True shit here.

I liked this. You brought that poetic style that I like to see from you and performed it well for the most part. If I have one complaint it would be the a/b rhyme scheme of this. It fucked up reading it because I'm used to reading a/a, but as a poem this is beautiful and well done. Props @Innovator.

[Inno]

Originally Posted by Zenland

Once along this land that is now a prison
Outside of its dreams…trying to keep hopes wisdom
And no one here lie’s…we just play pretend
We make believe we are fine in the system
To no end
^^True shit here.

I liked this. You brought that poetic style that I like to see from you and performed it well for the most part. If I have one complaint it would be the a/b rhyme scheme of this. It fucked up reading it because I'm used to reading a/a, but as a poem this is beautiful and well done. Props @Innovator.

@Zenland

Will rtf.

But yo the scheme is like that becuase its a specific type of poem I cant remember which one. It was for a league...which by the way was up against @Vulgar.

Thank man preciate the time taken...send me a link to anything you've posted and ill feed it like Seymore! !!

[Phanes]

I love this. Very descriptive. And you used words properly, which is rare from what I've read on this site so far. Keep living brotha

[Angkor]

etween the dirt grains we find diamond feet
Along the borders of the outcast we fit slim
A coast of paradise belonging to dead streams
We beach ourselves along the shores axiom
We’ll cut ourselves finding sanity in the requiem
Bathing in filth cleansing in a truth soaked trend
We die daily and fight through the system
To no end

My dude FAT still got it. really feeling the ideas and rapid-fire imagery. good shit, dawgie.

[Split]

your style is a cross between poetry, topicals, and prose. it always makes it hard to vote on in league battles, because it isnt always technically/ mechanically killer. but in terms of quality of writing, no doubt you are a very skilled writer.

the last stanza was killer. 'families grow in inches'. sometimes your writing sounds cliche, like "bathing in filth, cleaning a truth-soaked trend" sounds like a overdramatic contradiction just for the hell of it. Whoever thought of the idea of the cliche was the biggest faggot ever, though.

Good shit man. Very detailed/ acute description that shows you work with words well... maybe my advice would be to remove some of the ambiguity from your figurative language. just nitpicking

keep keyin

[Inno]

@Split Eight

Thank you sir I will return the favor shortly.

[Mr. J]

The technical aspects of this piece add some flavor
making it a fun read and interesting as well
its always nice to read a style that is different
good job my dude Ill look forward to work in the leagur

[Scripter]

This was very interesting, I liked how you built up through each part. You had a very nice elegant starting verse, this did a great job of setting the mood, and allowing you to build suspense gradually.

"Soft pillow creases between the cracked streets
The alley's sway inside the feathers whim
Safety amongst the vagrants and the thieves"

Here is my favorite part
It beings to build drama and changes the feeling of the piece, you did a great job at this.

"Between the dirt grains we find diamond feet
Along the borders of the outcast we fit slim
A coast of paradise belonging to dead streams
We beach ourselves along the shores axiom
We’ll cut ourselves finding sanity in the requiem
Bathing in filth cleansing in a truth soaked trend
We die daily and fight through the system
To no end"

Finally you begin to reveal the full picture. This really helped to build up your piece, excellent descriptions.

"Garbage filled roads, winds filled of trash heap
Cracked walls and a ruined window prism
The scorched landscapes where willows peeked"

I liked your final verse as well because it showed the willingness to keep going through the toughest of times.

"Generations here...families grow in inches
The little we have we will die to defend
We intend to make it good outside the system
Transcending past the end."

Overall I would say your piece is very well worded and your ability to set the mood is outstanding. Great piece!

[Vulgar]

@Innovator

I remember this being the piece that felled the mighty banana hammock him/herself, (weird right?) The language you use is sensory and delicate, almost exclusively de leche but blended with a healthy realism to give it real world cred.

Rubric of Understanding: The ballad (if I remember correctly) was about overcoming a system where dirty tactics are employed against the people to oppress them, and a solution is to see "'between" the glaring imperfections in order to pierce its base and transcend its toxicity. The texture I would say was a moist archaic, mostly due to your wording.

Enjoyment/Degree of Wonder: I thought you did a good job giving this a mysterious trait but also explaining it well. The writing was slightly muddled, as in the diction wasn't as sharp as it needed to be in some instances but you hit the theme in a unique way, which is why you walked away with the victory.

Originality: Our system as a prison is played out-ish. Your chosen direction was a reroute of a different kind so that wasn't an issue. When poets start regurgitating 'poetic points' that others have done, it can be very noticeable. Wasn't the case here; I just noticed prison and system so they became glued together for some reason in my mind.

Between the dirt grains we find diamond feet
^Brilliant line..

[Eŋg]

Erik Wimp was not mighty without potassium.

[beegee]

Generations here...families grow in inches
The little we have we will die to defend
We intend to make it good outside the system
Transcending past the end.

good ending.
def a cool piece.
would love to hear it.