Week 1 - patrown vs Atheist - patrown wins 8-0

e11even · 09-29-2013, 01:34 AM

Athiest: I'm glad you showed, despite missing the minimum. That takes
some cojones imo. Thank you for participating with us.

I liked where you were going, even though I'm not really a fan of work this
literal. This display was more on an audio level than a poetic/textcee verse
level, but I still found gold in the mine:

Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion
Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans

Pieces of bars were dope, but overall this didn't get to the good part. I would
love to see more work from you in the upcoming weeks. Thanks again for
showig in light of your circumstances.

Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous
->As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters<-

I think this needs to be reworded. You're presenting two contrasting
arguments in this statement. Would have been a good line otherwise.
Hopefully you'll have more time to work with later on...

---------------

Patrown: Straight off, you had an unfair advantage,
but its obviously not your bad. I think your verse was pretty
good, more metaphorically sound, and more colorful overall...

those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret,
skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh.

Not as abstract as I'd like, but that first line was an awesome setup. I love the multiple meanings I saw in it...

our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth,
a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst.
leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt,
in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs,
cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth

The first two lines were powerfully worded, and the rest was solid. I enjoyed reading certain parts of this piece. Keep pushing the envelope with content and approach and I'm sure you'll produce your best works.

by our own creations that had patiently slept.
until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests.

I needed more of this to develop. There was only a glimpse into the precursors of the conflict. This sounded like a major plot point.

OVERALL this was a cool battle. By default, Patrown had the scales tipped. IMO, Athiest, you may have been able to do more with less. You fell short in the bars you did have. I think there was more potential even in what you had written. Great job guys, in any case. My vote would have to go to @Patrown

09-29-2013, 01:34 AM	#3
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	Athiest: I'm glad you showed, despite missing the minimum. That takes some cojones imo. Thank you for participating with us. I liked where you were going, even though I'm not really a fan of work this literal. This display was more on an audio level than a poetic/textcee verse level, but I still found gold in the mine: Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans Pieces of bars were dope, but overall this didn't get to the good part. I would love to see more work from you in the upcoming weeks. Thanks again for showig in light of your circumstances. Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous ->As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters<- I think this needs to be reworded. You're presenting two contrasting arguments in this statement. Would have been a good line otherwise. Hopefully you'll have more time to work with later on... --------------- Patrown: Straight off, you had an unfair advantage, but its obviously not your bad. I think your verse was pretty good, more metaphorically sound, and more colorful overall... those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret, skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh. Not as abstract as I'd like, but that first line was an awesome setup. I love the multiple meanings I saw in it... our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth, a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst. leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt, in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs, cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth The first two lines were powerfully worded, and the rest was solid. I enjoyed reading certain parts of this piece. Keep pushing the envelope with content and approach and I'm sure you'll produce your best works. by our own creations that had patiently slept. until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests. I needed more of this to develop. There was only a glimpse into the precursors of the conflict. This sounded like a major plot point. OVERALL this was a cool battle. By default, Patrown had the scales tipped. IMO, Athiest, you may have been able to do more with less. You fell short in the bars you did have. I think there was more potential even in what you had written. Great job guys, in any case. My vote would have to go to @Patrown __________________ Ahem. Last edited by e11even; 09-29-2013 at 01:38 AM.