Week 1 - patrown vs Atheist - patrown wins 8-0

Adonis · 09-28-2013, 11:32 PM

Pat - those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret, skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh. blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death, here I see the world ending and you explaining in depth just a snippet of the gore that ensues...[b]unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,[ /B] But then here...here you truly brought the gore as you explained picture in a deeper concept, we don't see the pain these men have infilcted, instead we get the visor. Godamn you took a way different route than initially read. The taxes and ashes were good details but its almost as you spun in the "man's" direction although I did like the "mother (earth) drowns her young" visual. More end of days shit mixed with gov cause. All in all a solid read with decent flow.

Phone might die... editing

Kuj - cut short, final line of verse read to what should really be into... Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans, A trio of crewman,bound together in a world of debris & decay, Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way I see the end of the world here, unfortunetly your opponent did the same take and I feel slightly better. That and... "paving the way" was nice metaphor, however either "mankind 'were' the masters" meant they 'were' and no longer or you meant we are I.e we're in either case the tense of the narrative flipped which is a neative.

V/pat for a more complete, conceptually sound verse with better overall execution as far as readability goes.

09-28-2013, 11:32 PM	#9
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	Pat - those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret, skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh. blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death, here I see the world ending and you explaining in depth just a snippet of the gore that ensues...[b]unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,[ /B] But then here...here you truly brought the gore as you explained picture in a deeper concept, we don't see the pain these men have infilcted, instead we get the visor. Godamn you took a way different route than initially read. The taxes and ashes were good details but its almost as you spun in the "man's" direction although I did like the "mother (earth) drowns her young" visual. More end of days shit mixed with gov cause. All in all a solid read with decent flow. Phone might die... editing Kuj - cut short, final line of verse read to what should really be into... Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans, A trio of crewman,bound together in a world of debris & decay, Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way I see the end of the world here, unfortunetly your opponent did the same take and I feel slightly better. That and... "paving the way" was nice metaphor, however either "mankind 'were' the masters" meant they 'were' and no longer or you meant we are I.e we're in either case the tense of the narrative flipped which is a neative. V/pat for a more complete, conceptually sound verse with better overall execution as far as readability goes. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 09-28-2013 at 11:40 PM.