Utopian Society

Certain · 09-20-2013, 12:50 AM

This was very Pollyannaish and simplified in both content and writing. It felt a little too much like something Will Smith would write. The hook didn't work for me, either, because if you were to record this, a sung hook would make a lot more sense. There were a lot of lines that need polish, if they were going to work at all. That's especially true because when your rhyme scheme is as generally simple as this was, you really need to hit your syllable counts properly. I've read a few things by you, and I know you're better than this shows.

09-20-2013, 12:50 AM	#9
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This was very Pollyannaish and simplified in both content and writing. It felt a little too much like something Will Smith would write. The hook didn't work for me, either, because if you were to record this, a sung hook would make a lot more sense. There were a lot of lines that need polish, if they were going to work at all. That's especially true because when your rhyme scheme is as generally simple as this was, you really need to hit your syllable counts properly. I've read a few things by you, and I know you're better than this shows. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.